@henryjoshua As I approach 20 months post partum, I have to acknowledge that I had some pp anxiety that has since mellowed. I did find it hard to be away from my baby or to trust others with her. It got easier with practice. I am lucky to have people who do deserve my trust to take care of her. But also I feel something is fundamentally different about how I experience the situation and I think that's just the overall anxiety that was layered over everything but is now back to baseline. I don't regret the anxiety, I think it's an adaptation to help us keep our baby safe. It also has to be managed at a certain point. Long story short, for me exposure therapy (letting people watch her) over time helped. I still miss her though.
How to deal with being away from your baby
- Thread starter henryjoshua
- Start date
@henryjoshua Love this question and we are very similar, even with baby's age. The only person that's looked after baby while I've been out of the home is my husband. Honestly, I've just leaned into it. 9 months is still so young. I don't feel comfortable having my baby far from me until solids are his primary source of nutrition (we're breastfeeding and I'm very sensitive to making sure he gets enough milk and the comfort whenever he wants). We're starting daycare at 1 year old, and until then we're having family and then a nanny watch our baby while I work from home. That gradual approach - care by family while home, care by nanny while home, then daycare when baby is old enough by my comfort - is helping. I definitely do think I had/have a bit of PPA, but I am fine with the "sacrifices" that come with staying near my baby until he's at least 1 year old.
thanksyoueel
New member
@henryjoshua I have the impression that my toddler is a bit older (she's 19 months now), so this may not be very relevant to you. I definitely go with a gentle, highly responsive parenting style with a focus on attunement, but I also have my toddler in daycare full-time. We didn't start until 15 months though. I had 5 months of maternity leave and my husband was a stay at home dad from 5-15 months. Daycare is necessary for us financially at the moment, but I'm taking the next year off work when my second is born and I'm leaving the first in daycare then too. Because I believe it's good for her and it will give me a chance to give my second a little of the devotion and attention that I was lucky I was able to give my first during my maternity leave.
I have anxiety myself, and it's really easy to approach things from a place of fear because of that, but my life is consistently unhappy when I approach it from a place of fear. In basically all things, especially parenting, I do my best to approach things with evidence and information and do what I can to mitigate risk factors and accept the risk that remains. Child development is an area where it's pretty much impossible to isolate influencing factors, so solidly reliable evidence about childcare is limited. I've read what there is and I understand the risk factors. I chose a daycare I trust, and I focus on the factors I can control, like attunement and quality of time with my toddler rather than fretting vaguely over whether daycare is damaging her attachment.
I have anxiety myself, and it's really easy to approach things from a place of fear because of that, but my life is consistently unhappy when I approach it from a place of fear. In basically all things, especially parenting, I do my best to approach things with evidence and information and do what I can to mitigate risk factors and accept the risk that remains. Child development is an area where it's pretty much impossible to isolate influencing factors, so solidly reliable evidence about childcare is limited. I've read what there is and I understand the risk factors. I chose a daycare I trust, and I focus on the factors I can control, like attunement and quality of time with my toddler rather than fretting vaguely over whether daycare is damaging her attachment.
sunsetrose
New member
@henryjoshua I read the other day and 100% agree with this statement:
Do not let YOUR anxieties or trauma impede your child’s development and opportunities.
My girls LOVE going to see and stay with their grandparents, and I wholeheartedly believe that’s because we, as parents, have helped them foster a great relationship by lots of here and there babysitting and odd overnights.
My 2.5 yo has been in daycare between 1-3 days per week since she was 10mo and she absolutely loves ‘going to see her friends’. She adores her educators and is excited to tell me all about her day each evening when she gets home.
It’s perfectly normal for some parents to feel anxiety about someone else caring for their kids, but I also have anxiety about them getting their needles but I still do it!
Do not let YOUR anxieties or trauma impede your child’s development and opportunities.
My girls LOVE going to see and stay with their grandparents, and I wholeheartedly believe that’s because we, as parents, have helped them foster a great relationship by lots of here and there babysitting and odd overnights.
My 2.5 yo has been in daycare between 1-3 days per week since she was 10mo and she absolutely loves ‘going to see her friends’. She adores her educators and is excited to tell me all about her day each evening when she gets home.
It’s perfectly normal for some parents to feel anxiety about someone else caring for their kids, but I also have anxiety about them getting their needles but I still do it!
christfollower1993
New member
@henryjoshua You might enjoy the r/AttachmentParenting sub! My daughter is 15 months old and I still don't really feel comfortable with it for very long. I think I will feel better once she can communicate a bit better.
@henryjoshua You might want to look into the difference between attachment parenting and attachment theory. A lot of people who subscribe to the former think they’re impacting the latter, and truly that hasn’t been studied.
@henryjoshua The only thing that helped me with this was Lexapro 
@henryjoshua Perhaps helpful to remember that in the past, it truly was a village that raised kids. Sharing the work of parenting is a good thing, for you and for your kid. Learning different people, different sounds and spaces, different foods…flexibility is good. Do your due diligence but don’t fall into the home = better guilt trap that plagues so many of us. We just took our 4 year old to Mexico and left our 1 year old with gramma and grandpa for 6 days and it was fabulous for everyone. Did I miss her? Sure, but the 1:1 with our other kid was great and my husband and I both legit enjoyed our vacation way more than had we had the two of them.
henryjoshua
New member
ukdeedpoll
New member
@henryjoshua Daycare has made me such a better parent. I love my kid to death but I also like going to the bathroom and eating whenever I want and being around adults. And her transition to preschool was a breeze because she was used to sharing and following another adult's routine even though she's an only child. Being away from your child is teaching them that skill of dealing with things that are a little different and rolling with it.
There's a phrase my mom often repeated to me when my kid was an infant and it applies so often in life and parenting: "put on your own oxygen mask first." Self-care and being an independent and happy adult is one of the ways we care for our children. Be kind to yourself.
There's a phrase my mom often repeated to me when my kid was an infant and it applies so often in life and parenting: "put on your own oxygen mask first." Self-care and being an independent and happy adult is one of the ways we care for our children. Be kind to yourself.