How to deal with being away from your baby

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henryjoshua

New member
I know this question might be a little different from what people usually discuss here but for me, being a granola mom also has to do with my parenting style (more gentle, intuitive, attachment oriented approach).

And with that comes, for me, a lot of anxiety around being away from my baby. My son is 9 months old and was only babysat once by my mom for not even 2 hours. It’s very difficult for me to even think about him going to daycare occasionally or being looked after by someone else. Does anyone else feel/felt that way and what did you do to make it better?
I know it’s good for him to be around other people/kids and he’s super social and not anxious at all. I feel like I’m the one with attachment issues LOL and I think reading some of your experiences would help! Thanks :)
 
@henryjoshua So I think you are gonna kind of need to just bite the bullet and do it. I also don't want to scare you but emergencies happen and it's so much easier to handle one if your kids are ok being away from you for a bit.
 
@puddintain I had a stroke when my second baby was only 8 weeks old. I’d never really been away from my then 2 yo and obviously wasn’t planning on being in the hospital / rehab for over a month when my kids were so little.

Just chiming in to say emergencies do, in fact, happen — then it becomes more of a sink or swim situation where you’re forced to be away from them. This obviously really sucked and I remember laying in my rehab bed in what felt like physical pain bc I missed my babies so much and was so devastated to be away from them. Hopefully this won’t be most people’s experience but yeah, if I would’ve had some experiences away from my toddler beforehand I think it would’ve made a difference. Even just in knowing other people could care for him.
 
@henryjoshua My daughter is 18 months and I love her to death. I also practice a gentle and attached approach, but personally I couldn’t wait to get back to work/start her daycare routine.

Even though I haven’t dealt with anxiety around separation, I think what’s most important in any circumstance is to know what your top safety priorities are. For me at this age, it’s car seat safety, food safety, water access safety. If I can ensure others are educated in these major areas (like keeping bathroom doors closed/no access to toilets, what to do when a baby chokes, what a properly situated car seat looks like) then it takes a load off my brain, and I can feel like I don’t have to be with her every waking minute. I think priorities can evolve too, so it’s important for parents to stay on top of these and communicate often.

I guess my perspective is that we can’t control everything (why would we want to, so exhausting) and there will be many many times in our lives when we’re required to loosen our grip on our kids. When we can narrow down our absolute top priorities at any given stage of development, and educate others (and our kids when their old enough), it can help lessen anxiety in the long run. Just my two cents and what I try to practice.
 
@henryjoshua I don’t have any advice unfortunately, but just wanted to offer solidarity. My baby is 6 months old and I hate to leave him longer than a few hours. I’ve left him for 2-3 hrs at a time several times to go to doctor’s appointments, see friends, or get my hair done, but it’s hard for me. We’re going to a wedding this weekend and will be gone from him for about 8 hours, including bath and bedtime, and I’m so anxious. He’ll be at our house with his loving grandma who we fully trust, but still. 😢
 
@henryjoshua I didn’t have anxiety around this, and I actually quite enjoyed regular breaks from my baby from the start. However, I don’t trust many people with my baby (now toddler) and only leave her with a handful of trusted people and strict instructions for my own parents.

What helped with childcare was using a facility with very high ratings on the state rating system. All of the carers have ECE certifications. The violations they did have were not of serious concern for me (there are a lot of rules, so all facilities will have some violations). When we toured the facility after looking at a couple of other, it was an immediate sense of calm. They prioritized the things we cared about, the babies were all happy, and it was obviously they loved the teachers. They are an open facility (although appropriately locked for security) and we can come in whenever we want. Every time I’ve come in at a weird time, I’ve never seen a phone, a screen for the under 2s, unsafe sleep, unsafe feeding, or unattended children.

If you are having anxiety about leaving your baby at all, is it possible you have PPA? I didn’t experience it personally, but being anxious to the point you don’t want to be separated for more than a couple of hours seems like it might be outside of what is typical.
 
@yazzy Thank you for taking the time to write about your experience! I do have a lil sprinkle of ppa but I see my therapist every other week and we talk a lot about this topic. But I love hearing about other mom’s stories and it really helps me to normalize this part of motherhood.
I think a lot of it stems from my own experience as a child and I’m really trying not to project it on my son… I don’t want to let the anxiety take over and make me avoid separation altogether
 
@henryjoshua Same as any other anxiety:

Walk the troubleshooting tree.

Is the child being harmed?

Is the child in distress?

Is the situation developmentally appropriate?

Is the distress manageable?

If the child is fine and I am still in distress, why is that? (Usually unresolved family of origin stuff. Fix it.)

If the child's distress is not manageable, or situation is not appropriate, or child is being harmed, intervene and plan so that things happen differently next time.

Else, deep breaths, acknowledge feelings, small distractions, encouraging visualizations, and the usual deal for dealing with my anxious feelings.

If you are having to be away from your baby for a reason not of your making (back to work because other parent won't, inflation, lifestyle creep, return to office order etc), be prepared for big feelings of resentment.

It's a spectrum. Some kids are way more open to it than others.

By around 3 to 3 1/2, most kids begin enjoying and benefiting from interaction with other kids. 97 percent of kids by age 5. Before that it is more a matter of kid and caregiver tolerating the situation because they are tempermentally suited to it.
 
@jayk I am in therapy and have been for several years, the family trauma part is being taken care of lol! But I still think I need to start gradually getting used to him being away a little bit. Like I said I don’t want to let my own history get in the way of doing what’s best for my baby. Thanks for sharing these tips :)
 
@henryjoshua Way to go and keep up the good work!

The Absorbent Child by Maria Montessori has some very relatable material about letting go when an how a moderately granola mom is likely to feel is best.

Before 3, It's all about your kid getting to accompany you on life's journey, see the sights, sounds, faces, voices that mean the world to you, copy your interactions, bargain in the marketplace (literally or figuratively).

And spending time away from you, with trusted friends and relatives, in places you've been together and your child knows the routine can be a logical extension of that, at a time, place and pace you are comfortable with.

My kid was fine with my female relatives from a young age, loved play groups with parents in sight from about 2, and inconsolable at preschool (we tried a bit every so often) until a bit after 3. Then eager to say bye at the gate and go play with friends.

Wishing you every happiness on this new chapter if your lives!
 
@henryjoshua Maybe start with short times apart? I was super excited to get cleared for yoga after birth and went to a class as soon as I could, I know I was fortunate that my mom or husband could watch him for me so I wasn’t concerned from a nurturing perspective if that makes sense. I go into the office part time (work full time) so I’ve been apart from my son for hours but never for overnight which seems wild from a monkey brain standpoint at this point in time. But I’m sure it’ll come eventually
 
@stevemiltonson He does stay with my partner for short periods (while I do groceries for example) and while i still miss him of course I trust him fully. Same with my mom when she was with him, she loves him to bits and I don’t think he even noticed I was gone haha!
I’m thinking about starting slow with 1-2h at a time in the next couple of weeks. Thanks for taking the time to share!
 
@henryjoshua I may be in the minority, but I've never felt 'bad' about leaving my kids when they were babies. I went back to work after 12 weeks with both kids, BUT my mom was/is their primary sitter and I fully trust her. She has never made a 'parent' decision while I wasn't around and always listened to me when I told her about how recommendations changed from when I was a baby.

I am privileged. I even have a job that I can work only weekends so I can be home with my kids during the week.

My oldest is autistic so I don't trust anyone that hasn't been thoroughly vetted and background checked.

When I put him in preschool and also in public school I met with administration and did multiple tours and spoke with everyone that would be involved with my son's care and education.

I'm lucky that my son is verbal enough to tell me if he got hurt. (He's never been hurt by anyone except for getting bit once).

Honestly, I was full of anxiety when he was a baby over things I couldn't control. Like full blown meltdowns and spiraling. I went on Lexapro for a little bit. But after my second kid, I was diagnosed with ADHD and getting correctly medicated has helped a lot.
 
@henryjoshua I started with doing a meet and greet with potential sitters, asking them questions and seeing how they interact with LO. Then i paid them to watch baby at home while i was there. Then, i could see how they interacted and could have stepped in if needed. I’ve found two sitters i absolutely trust this way, and several that I just didn’t love. It’s a little like ripping off a bandaid, but it’s okay to do it slow!
 
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