How to avoid jealousy?

C

chux7

New member
Sometimes I’m just so utterly jealous of my husband. He has a wonderful 9-5 and on Fridays he’s off at noon. What makes it even better is he works from home and can take his time with lunch or finish a bit earlier if he’d like. He’s so lucky to have the job he does and it pays well, too. He’s worked hard for his career so I’m happy for him that he has this opportunity.

However, I can’t help but be so jealous some days. He doesn’t know what it’s like to entertain a baby all day. To be touched out to the max because between pumping and having a 9 month old use you as a jungle gym you’re just adverse to touch.

He gets to sit in his comfy office on a lazy boy and talk to adults. I get screamed at by a baby with a Kirkland size bag of sass while I try to start on dinner, or pee— dear god I miss peeing in peace.

I have to micromanage so many things at once. Do we have enough puree or is that what I’m working on today? What is baby having for his BLW lunch and dinner? Are we running out of fruit for him? What’s for our dinner? What are the deals on the flyer, what needs to be cleaned, when can I shower? Oh I can’t shower? That’s fine, I’m used to it. When are babies appointments? What milestones should he be hitting? When is laundry done? When should I pay electricity? If I stopped existing this house wouldn’t run and not a single mouth would be fed.

He can wake up and casually take his shower, eat his breakfast and bring his coffee into his office to start his day. Some days I’d kill for that.

I love him dearly. None of this is his fault. He’s providing for our family and I wanted to be the stay at home parent. I do love being here with my son all day but some days it’s just so damn hard.

Today is one of those days.
 
@chux7 no, see he needs to hold the baby in the morning while you eat breakfast and shower. you BOTH get free personal time to get ready for the day, that's the bare minimum.
 
@charlieb410 Yeah my husband wakes with baby and changes her diaper while I take a shower and have a short meditation. Takes me about 15-20 minutes, but I feel it's absolutely crucial for my brain - if I was in OP's shoes, I would be a crazy mess.
 
@chux7 It's great that your husband has a good job, that's fantastic.

I don't think it has anything to do with him waking up whenever he wants though... Maybe I'm missing something because it was a rant and not a complete description but does your husband not take care of the baby outside of work hours?
 
@lightning_drake I pump in the morning and by the time that’s done he’s needing to shower and eat. I’m done pumping in two months though so that’ll make it so much easier.
 
@chux7 God the pumping. Honestly - good riddance!!

I know it’s ALL a lot right now. I appreciate your vent and how hard it is. I often envied my husband at that stage for being allowed to eat his own food. My daughter ALWAYS is trying to eat my food, be on top of me while I’m eating, or knocking my food on the floor. I’ve had to leave her in a safe place while I collect myself for a few minutes because messing with my food forever makes me angry.
 
@chux7 It sounds like his job is low-stress and at least a little flexible in terms of time, if he can take a long lunch and finish at noon on Fridays. He needs to be utilizing that flexibility to trade off with you. If he has down time between meetings, for example, he needs to be coming out of his office to check in with you and watch the baby while you shower, pee, or just get a few minutes by yourself. What good is a WFH spouse if they don’t help at all?
 
@chux7 For me the key is communicating with my husband throughout the day when I'm struggling, so he can support me however he could throughout the day and/or after work. My husband also works from home and has a good amount of flexibility, so here's a few things we did that helped me stay sane:
  • I would either wake up at the same time as my husband that way there was enough time for him to watch the baby while I showered or if I wanted to sleep in, I'd put the baby on the bathroom floor and take a speed shower.
  • I would either put the baby in the little activity center thing or hand her off to my husband when I needed to use the restroom.
  • On days he was able to wrap up work early he'd get a little time to decompress then would make sure I got a break. Sometimes that meant tackling the dishes I wasn't able to get to all day, others it was enjoying a snack and watching YouTube, whatever sounded best in the moment.
  • Since I handled all the daytime meals and snacks, my husband did all or the bulk of feeding dinner and cleaning up the mess that came with it. That helped a lot for me, as the constant mess with BLW really stressed me out.
  • When possible we'd try and do lunch together so we could split responsibilities (though my husband often had meetings, so that didn't work a ton for us).
Also, if you can get any outside support from friends, ask for help! Even just someone coming over for an hour or two to engage with the baby so you can have a short break made a difference for me.

I also want to say, it got a lot easier somewhere between 1-1.5 years old. The first year was a huge struggle for me, but I can get so much more done now and we have a lot more fun.
 
@chux7 Wait why isn't he helping with baby in the morning if he's WFH? Why isn't he entertaining baby while you get dinner ready?

I understand why you are jealous this comment is not meant in that sense. It's made so you can maybe see that he can be doing these things as well before he starts work. If he takes a longer lunch, can he eat quickly so he can hold baby while you shower? There are possible ways to make this work if you both sit and work out a plan!
 
@chux7 My husband works from home. I don’t do any morning work. He takes the baby while he is on a lunch break. He stops working at 4 pm so one of us can cook dinner without the kids. I dunno. Your division of labor seems off.
 
@chux7 It could be that he needs to take over a bit more of the stressful parenting elements that you are currently leading on to balance things.
 
@chux7 It definitely sounds like he should be doing more. I'm never jealous of my husband. He also has a WFH job, and I'm so thankful because he helps out every minute he can. Sometimes, I feel a bit guilty sending him pictures of me and the kids at the park, zoo, museum, etc. especially when it's such a beautiful day and he's stuck at the computer. Yea, there are plenty of stressful moments, but overall, we have a lot more fun than he does. I find that we are all happier when we get out and do something.
 
@chux7 I loved when my husband worked from home. It sounds like his schedule is pretty lax too. I used to go for walks or quick runs to the grocery store during nap times. He'd come watch baby while I took a quick shower etc. Sounds like maybe your husband could use his breaks more efficiently (to your benefit)
 
@endtimeseconomist There’s no time really, unless I bring him with me but at nine months he’s dangerous in a seat and for the first few hours of the night (6:30/7 onwards) he wakes up every 30 mins and needs a bottle to go back to sleep.
 
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