How do you keep a healthy co parent relationship?

[4lifephotography]

I swear I feel like I’m in the twilight zone every time we have a conversation. It’s always either overly friendly or I’m dealing with their wrath.

My ex and his girlfriend within the last few months have started trying to act like I’m a friend and it’s insane to me. They both publicly posted things about me in the past as well as sent me horrendous messages ( not to mention they were having an affair under my nose while my ex and I were still together) overall I don’t like them but I’m pretty good at being civil for the most part.

However recently they both seem to want to be my friend so badly. They invited me to their baby shower and when I kindly declined my ex called me saying it hurt his girlfriends feelings and he would appreciate if I come. Am I wrong for thinking that’s so awkward and want 0 to do with it. The kids bought a present for them ( with my money) that’s normal cordial stuff right ?

They also want a double date with my boyfriend but last year he was sending threats to my boyfriend so he doesn’t think highly of him. He’s fine enough to talk kid things and small talk at pick up by my boyfriend has let me know he doesn’t want to have a relationship with them.

When I turned down the double date I got messages saying it’s not fair to the kids.

Why would they want to be my friend ? I don’t even get it.

 

[dennisbon]

@4lifephotography Omg! I’m a step in the position of having a pushy friendship forces onto me. It’s been going on for 5 years. Yours is so much worse. Really… the affair partner’s feelings are hurt? Come on!

What helped my SO was setting a lot more clear boundaries and only ever doing things explicitly for the kids. Soccer game sitting near each other? Absolutely. Not going to make the kid choose what size to run to and say hi. Just going to dinner or ice cream all together? No. We tried that since she asked in front of the kids a few times. It was a mistake. All it did was cut into SO and I’s limited free time. And the kids didn’t get anything out of it. It was their mom who wanted to hang with us and the kids were just an excuse.

Anyway, his solution was really limiting contact. We pretty much only see her at school break switch off’s, birthday parties, and sporting/school events. The rest of the switch offs happened at school or daycare. When she DOES come to pick them up, we bring the backpacks and whatnot and let the kids run out to her car all crazy. She isn’t welcomed into our home anymore. We made plans after events because she kept trying to hang out and talk our ears off while the kids played at the park after every soccer game. We declined every Thanksgiving invite 5 years in a row. We have the kids FaceTime with her from the privacy of their rooms rather than in our living room where she tried to talk and “hang” with us.

 

[4lifephotography]

@dennisbon I always think about the nerve that lady has.
First off she had came in my house while knowingly having an affair with my ex , she then told me that it’s my fault I didn’t sexually please him. She went around calling me ugly to everyone we know ( it came back to me like 5 times from different people) , she also gave me a lecture about needing to be a strong independent woman and not date because it would have negative effects on my kids ( it was more than a year after the separation ) called me a deadbeat mom online after saying no to watching the kids on her birthday ( it was their day and I was working a 12 hour night shift) and now all of a sudden she wants to be my bestie and keeps sending me friend requests on social media and gets upset when I don’t thank her often enough ? The damn neeeerrrrvvvve she has.

 

[dennisbon]

@4lifephotography O M G! Honestly this gives me controlling vibes. She doesn’t want you to be in a relationship (you’d be busier and less likely to accommodate them). She doesn’t want to be the bad guy (blamed you for the affair/split). Doesn’t want you to turn them down for trade offs in their favor (Bad mouths you online). Now she wants to be friends because A. It’s easier to guilt/pressure you into doing things for her B. It makes her look better.

 

[theshoeheaven]

@4lifephotography they’ve basically rewritten your history to make themselves feel better and justify their relationship. part of why they are inviting you ….because they consider small talk like “oh! we’re all good. she has a boyfriend now, so its all fine”.

Being cordial and discussing parenting issues is one thing….but they took it too far. you just need to cordially remind them of your boundary.

I had to set it with my ex very early on. We are co-parents, not friends. He used to want to vent to me (nope!)…I would say respectfully, “Im not your person anymore…please go vent to your gf.”

Even now he’ll try to prolong a conversation and I just dont engage. I’ll say, ok thanks see you later. He considers it “rude” (im not) but thats just bc he wants his cake and eat it too.

Just yesterday he tried to be passive aggressive about something related to money…I didnt engage and just changed the subject. Im sure he paints himself as the victim and now Im the bad guy I could care less what those two think.

For the most oart, we have a peaceful co-parenting relationship…we’re both flexible and put our kid’s well being first. Good luck

 

[katrina2017]

@4lifephotography Tin foil hat time, but I feel like they are being two-faced snakes and trying to rub their relationship in your face. They want you to see how serious their commitment is during the baby shower, and then during the double date I bet they would have been super lovey dovey and competitive with you guys. You see this a lot in relationships that started out as affairs: they want to validate their relationship so badly and “prove the haters” (aka the people they selfishly hurt) wrong by showing just how much they 100% looooove each other by doubling down hard

 

[4lifephotography]

@katrina2017 I can see that honestly. I try not to think that hard into it but my ex is so weird about it. The one time he was saying I was being over dramatic with being hurt ( when I found out) and he was like “ it’s not like I left you for some random girl , I left you for a girl I want to marry”

Which felt like an insane thing to say. As if my concern was the stability of their relationship

 

[childofgod001]

@4lifephotography You don't. Not with an ex like that. You parallel-parent and ensure communication is solely about the kids. You remove all emotion from it, and you put up hard boundaries and stick to them. Emotionally manipulative people thrive when you feed them your emotions. Keep everything business like and work on a "need to know" basis.

 

[dsweats81]

@4lifephotography Your experience is what I’m still dealing with almost 5 years in. I’ve just adapted to rolling with the punches. Sometimes it’s great…she’s accommodating, flexible and fair…other times she’s awful, narcissistic and impossible to work with.

I’m just happy overall that my son is happy with her and at her house. She’s good to him, as is her boyfriend…so I can deal with her attitude and not give it much power at all.

 

[dachinedur]

@4lifephotography It’s not uncommon for people in relationships that started as affairs to try to rewrite history in order to gain the approval from society that they’re lacking, because most people generally view affairs as unethical. If you look like you bless their relationship, they get to pretend they never did anything wrong. It’s all a way for her to absolve herself of the guilt of breaking up a family.

Absolutely no reason for you to play along with their game.

 

[geofee]

@4lifephotography I’m in a similar situation. Ignore them.

It’s all an attempt for them to feel better about how shitty they were to you and probably an attempt for them to rewrite the origins of their relationship to others.

It’s not worth the energy to be friends with people who have no character.