I am late thirties and my son is 6 months old and I found my pregnancy to be horrendous. My labour was quite traumatic and ended in an emergency c section. And I have found being a mother very hard thus far. I have always known I wasn’t a fan of babies, that being said I am truly obsessed with my son and love him like no other. I have only managed to get through these 6 months with substantial help from my parents. My husband is useless and is more of a hinderance than a help (that’s a whole other post). I have barely any time to myself, but tell myself that as time goes on that will change. Where I’m struggling is the thought of my child being an only. I’m well aware that many people do not get on with their siblings, that you shouldn’t have another child just for your first child, that the second child could have special needs etc. But the thought of me and my husband leaving this world and leaving my son on his own truly makes me feel sick. I would rather have not had him than have him be on his own. My siblings played a huge part in my life and continue to do so now. We aren’t particularly close to my husbands family, and cousins ok my side are significantly older. I’m also not the most sociable so would struggle to find children of a similar age for him to interact with. I don’t know if I should just suck it up and go through with having a second, but I think if I do I am somewhat writing off my life and future happiness as I am quite the introvert and like solitude and evidently won’t have that for many many years. I just can’t seem to stop feelings so guilty and awful about actively choosing to make my son an only. And I apologise if my post is insensitive as I know many are ecstatic with being a family of 3. I just don’t feel that way. I would like another but physically and mentally I just don’t think I can handle it and my gut is telling me not to. But I can’t reconcile that with the thought of my son being on his own for life, especially when we’re gone.
How do I stop feeling absolutely awful about not giving my child a sibling?P
- Thread starter missaqua
- Start date
@missaqua From the sounds of it I really don’t think you should have another.
Have you read the r/oneanddone subreddit? If not I highly recommend you check it out. So many wonderful things about being a family of 3!! Regarding your specific concerns, unless you are planning to homeschool I don’t think you should worry about your child not having peers to connect with. As soon as he is at school he’ll be surrounded by friends all day every day for the rest of his childhood! My experience of only children (I’m a teacher) is that they make lots of wonderful, close friends.
As for when you all get older, by that time your child will likely have a family of his own! A partner, maybe kids, in-laws and siblings-in-law and cousins and cousins-kids and all that. He’ll make his own family, and he won’t be left all alone in the world. He could have a huge family for all you know. Having another child that you don’t feel you could happily manage will mean you won’t be the best mother or wife you can be. It’s more important for your son’s wellbeing that his caregiver(s) are happy and have the time and energy to devote to his care. Being frazzled and worn thin and unhappy won’t do him any favours. You may of course find that you cope well with another kid, but it sounds like you are very doubtful about that fact. You matter too. You matter just as much as your kid does, and you deserve to live your best life!
Have you read the r/oneanddone subreddit? If not I highly recommend you check it out. So many wonderful things about being a family of 3!! Regarding your specific concerns, unless you are planning to homeschool I don’t think you should worry about your child not having peers to connect with. As soon as he is at school he’ll be surrounded by friends all day every day for the rest of his childhood! My experience of only children (I’m a teacher) is that they make lots of wonderful, close friends.
As for when you all get older, by that time your child will likely have a family of his own! A partner, maybe kids, in-laws and siblings-in-law and cousins and cousins-kids and all that. He’ll make his own family, and he won’t be left all alone in the world. He could have a huge family for all you know. Having another child that you don’t feel you could happily manage will mean you won’t be the best mother or wife you can be. It’s more important for your son’s wellbeing that his caregiver(s) are happy and have the time and energy to devote to his care. Being frazzled and worn thin and unhappy won’t do him any favours. You may of course find that you cope well with another kid, but it sounds like you are very doubtful about that fact. You matter too. You matter just as much as your kid does, and you deserve to live your best life!
adifferenttruth
New member
@jazzyd777 Also check out "only you: a one and done podcast" they really helped my come to terms with being one and done.
reporter94
New member
@jazzyd777 Hopping on to agree with checking out the one and done!
I am an only child that is now the mother of an only child. You can’t know what the future will hold, but making the assumption that your son will be alone 40+ years in the future seems a little silly. I have a husband, my own child, a large family with my in-laws and many wonderful, close friends that have been in my life long enough to feel like family.
The only thing I would recommend as your kiddo gets older is trying to find opportunities for socializing for your kiddo: preschool, etc if he is not in daycare. My son (8) really benefitted from being around other kids in daycare.
I am an only child that is now the mother of an only child. You can’t know what the future will hold, but making the assumption that your son will be alone 40+ years in the future seems a little silly. I have a husband, my own child, a large family with my in-laws and many wonderful, close friends that have been in my life long enough to feel like family.
The only thing I would recommend as your kiddo gets older is trying to find opportunities for socializing for your kiddo: preschool, etc if he is not in daycare. My son (8) really benefitted from being around other kids in daycare.
katrina2017
New member
@reporter94 Agreed.
And for what it’s with, OP, plenty of people experience loneliness whether they’re only children or not. If you don’t think you can be the type of parent you want to be to two, then don’t have another. I’d rather be a good mom to one than a shell of a person raising multiples.
And for what it’s with, OP, plenty of people experience loneliness whether they’re only children or not. If you don’t think you can be the type of parent you want to be to two, then don’t have another. I’d rather be a good mom to one than a shell of a person raising multiples.
vyrzaharak
New member
@missaqua I (34F) am an only child. I don’t speak to my dad and my mom (who is also an only child) lives on another continent.
I am so happy with my partner and my little boy who is now 10 months old and will likely be an only child as well for the same reasons as you mentioned - I don’t think I have the mental stamina to handle raising more than one human. They are my people. I don’t miss having a sibling and while it would be amazing to have more family, I have very close friends whom I feel about as if they were my siblings. My partner has a sister and they are not very close. We do hang out together sometimes, but we are completely different people, so it’s not really that special.
Your little boy will be just fine! If he has a personality that needs human connection, he will find his circle of friends, his partner, and will be happy with them. If he has a colder, more of a “loner” personality, having a sibling may only make his life more complicated as a child and will probably not provide any benefits in adulthood.
These short months of your son’s infancy are too precious to worry about what is going to happen in decades. Your little boy has you and you will be the most important person in his life for years. He does not NEED a sibling. He will be just fine!
One last note. I am looking forward to taking care of my mom when she needs me to and I don’t view it as a burden. I want her to be close to me and while I anticipate some struggles and hard times when she will be older, I don’t think having a sibling would make it any easier. It’s possible, but since I don’t have siblings, I was growing up knowing that there’s only me she can rely on and that is fine with me!
I am so happy with my partner and my little boy who is now 10 months old and will likely be an only child as well for the same reasons as you mentioned - I don’t think I have the mental stamina to handle raising more than one human. They are my people. I don’t miss having a sibling and while it would be amazing to have more family, I have very close friends whom I feel about as if they were my siblings. My partner has a sister and they are not very close. We do hang out together sometimes, but we are completely different people, so it’s not really that special.
Your little boy will be just fine! If he has a personality that needs human connection, he will find his circle of friends, his partner, and will be happy with them. If he has a colder, more of a “loner” personality, having a sibling may only make his life more complicated as a child and will probably not provide any benefits in adulthood.
These short months of your son’s infancy are too precious to worry about what is going to happen in decades. Your little boy has you and you will be the most important person in his life for years. He does not NEED a sibling. He will be just fine!
One last note. I am looking forward to taking care of my mom when she needs me to and I don’t view it as a burden. I want her to be close to me and while I anticipate some struggles and hard times when she will be older, I don’t think having a sibling would make it any easier. It’s possible, but since I don’t have siblings, I was growing up knowing that there’s only me she can rely on and that is fine with me!
@vyrzaharak Thank you so much for sharing this perspective.
@missaqua I think about this exact thing all the time. My son is 2.5 and I know it’s morbid but I keep thinking about him being the one likely taking care of me in old age, and how much easier it would be for him to have a sibling to help. I just tell myself he’ll have his own family and friends by then, and he will create his own support bubble with or without siblings. I had a similar experience (difficult pregnancy, emergency c-section) — it stays with me, and reliving it would feel like I’m undoing all the progress of the last 2.5 years.
What weighs on me in the other direction is how unfair it would be to my son to bring another kid into a dynamic where I already struggle to give him the attention he needs. Another child in the equation means he is not “my world” anymore, and that would crush us both. It’s so hard to know either way what the right call is.
You’re not alone in feeling this way. I would encourage you to talk to some adults in your life who are only children to get some new perspectives. I follow (r/oneanddone) and it has helped me feel at ease over the last few months.
What weighs on me in the other direction is how unfair it would be to my son to bring another kid into a dynamic where I already struggle to give him the attention he needs. Another child in the equation means he is not “my world” anymore, and that would crush us both. It’s so hard to know either way what the right call is.
You’re not alone in feeling this way. I would encourage you to talk to some adults in your life who are only children to get some new perspectives. I follow (r/oneanddone) and it has helped me feel at ease over the last few months.
utookmyname
New member
@pencile Unless you have the most amazing kids who will sacrifice more than their peers, it's unlikely that two kids would do much to help you when you're old compared to one. My two siblings-in-law will not be helping with my MIL/ FIL. They're both building lives elsewhere, having their own kids.
I'm an only child and I'll be moving my parents near me when they're older to help. The only difference between my husband and I is that I won't have the peanut gallery throwing opinions out that from many miles away. I also think being an only child makes me more inclined to help in general.
Your son will be fine. You'll have a close relationship with him. The best you can do is have your finances and whatnot in order so that is easy for him to manage later. Whenever I hear comments about old age, I just think of what we have ahead with my in-laws. It's a crapshoot.
I'm an only child and I'll be moving my parents near me when they're older to help. The only difference between my husband and I is that I won't have the peanut gallery throwing opinions out that from many miles away. I also think being an only child makes me more inclined to help in general.
Your son will be fine. You'll have a close relationship with him. The best you can do is have your finances and whatnot in order so that is easy for him to manage later. Whenever I hear comments about old age, I just think of what we have ahead with my in-laws. It's a crapshoot.
@missaqua Hi there! I am an only child (29F). I have never been all alone, and when my parents die I still won’t be all alone. Even if I do end up alone in the future, being an only child has made me incredibly independent. I enjoy solitude. I will always be able to seek out more/new people if I need them. I went to daycare so got a lot of socialization there, but if you don’t plan to send your son there I think starting him in preschool when he’s of age will be plenty of socialization. Also, if you have two kids you will have double the amount of activities to take them to when they are older which typically means double the amount of social interactions for you with other parents. Just something to think about, as I, as an introvert, think that sounds like a bad time. Lol. As others have said, r/oneanddone is a great sub! Def recommend to read through it.
utookmyname
New member
@missaqua You realize that it's not that you're not giving your child a sibling, it's that you're not making your son compete for your time and love. You're a better mom to one (based on these comments, not that I know you) and your son deserves you at your best.
As an only child myself it's a rather ignorant or even offensive comment to hear that you think onlies are better off not born than living without siblings. Just because siblings were a big part of your life doesn't mean that life is horrible without them. I get that you are acknowledging the post could be insensitive but you're not helping yourself by spiraling down this tunnel. It's not even about other parents being offended about you not loving their life choices, but thinking your son will live an inferior life as an only child is truly unfortunate.
I hate to ask, but what was your plan for the time before you had your second? Kids NEED peer play at the same age. Unless you're really masochistic and going for Irish twins, you can't just isolate your son for years while waiting for his "friend" to arrive and be play-worthy (i.e. not a newborn).
Also, when they get older they will have their own friends. That's double the parents to socialize with, double the events.
Having multiple kids is great and fun for those who truly want that, but your reasons are mostly 1. You don't want to seek out playdates for your son, and 2. You think only children live inferior lives. In the face of all of the challenges you describe, those sound like horrible reasons. I would recommend therapy to work through this. Your biases are way beyond the scope of this sub.
As an only child myself it's a rather ignorant or even offensive comment to hear that you think onlies are better off not born than living without siblings. Just because siblings were a big part of your life doesn't mean that life is horrible without them. I get that you are acknowledging the post could be insensitive but you're not helping yourself by spiraling down this tunnel. It's not even about other parents being offended about you not loving their life choices, but thinking your son will live an inferior life as an only child is truly unfortunate.
I hate to ask, but what was your plan for the time before you had your second? Kids NEED peer play at the same age. Unless you're really masochistic and going for Irish twins, you can't just isolate your son for years while waiting for his "friend" to arrive and be play-worthy (i.e. not a newborn).
Also, when they get older they will have their own friends. That's double the parents to socialize with, double the events.
Having multiple kids is great and fun for those who truly want that, but your reasons are mostly 1. You don't want to seek out playdates for your son, and 2. You think only children live inferior lives. In the face of all of the challenges you describe, those sound like horrible reasons. I would recommend therapy to work through this. Your biases are way beyond the scope of this sub.
@utookmyname Very well said. 
anordinaryguy
New member
@missaqua I have an only. We were trying for 2 years to give him a sibling but discovered the only chance was through IVF. We started the process and even did a hormone cycle. The cycle failed because my body didn’t respond to the meds. And when I found out that there were no follicles growing to move forward with the process I felt... relieved. It was a powerful feeling that I could not ignore. We did some serious thinking after that and decided not to do another cycle. I’d love to give my child a sibling for his future, but in my heart I know it’s not right for me. As parents, we deserve to have happiness too. You don’t give up everything you want as soon as you have a child. It’s not selfish. I’m also an introvert and I love quiet and being alone. Chaos stresses me out and makes me anxious and unhappy.
He will grow up with cousins and friends. He won’t be lonely or sad. He’ll be okay and we will be happier as parents, which will make him happier and better adjusted. I downloaded the audiobook version of “One and Only” by Lauren Sandler and it helped me think through my feelings while listening.
He will grow up with cousins and friends. He won’t be lonely or sad. He’ll be okay and we will be happier as parents, which will make him happier and better adjusted. I downloaded the audiobook version of “One and Only” by Lauren Sandler and it helped me think through my feelings while listening.
breezyberlin
New member
@missaqua It’s not your job or responsibility to give your child a sibling. It’s a myth that siblings are built in friends, and that only children are completely miserable without siblings.
I know a few siblings that refuse to talk to each other after years of fighting. Each kid is their own person with their own personality. And there’s a chance that siblings just won’t like each other. And then if they truly don’t like each other, your main reason for having a second kid goes out the window. You’d be stuck with the responsibility and stress of raising a second kid while neither of them get along.
What I just described may or may not happen. I’m not trying to psych you out or anything. It’s just important to be candid and upfront about what you could be dealing with
I know a few siblings that refuse to talk to each other after years of fighting. Each kid is their own person with their own personality. And there’s a chance that siblings just won’t like each other. And then if they truly don’t like each other, your main reason for having a second kid goes out the window. You’d be stuck with the responsibility and stress of raising a second kid while neither of them get along.
What I just described may or may not happen. I’m not trying to psych you out or anything. It’s just important to be candid and upfront about what you could be dealing with