How are y’all building cooperative relationships?

[yesterday987g]

LO is 2 and a few months and it is such a struggle to get her diaper or clothes changed sometimes. I want us to have a collaborative and cooperative relationship, so I’d like to avoid forcing her, but sometimes we just need to get her diaper/shirt/pants on or off. She (understandably) gets so upset when these things are done without her consent, but sometimes I feel like I need to just do it anyway. How do y’all handle scenarios like this? I keep feeling like I’m messing up somehow.

 

[miho]

@yesterday987g I usually give 2 choices. If they refuse then I tell them that if they can’t choose then I will make a choice for them. If they still don’t choose then I’ll make a choice for them. I find they usually seem really reassured afterwards though. I usually validate their feelings. Sometimes I say choosing is hard or it doesn’t feel like there’s a good choice. And not making a choice is still a choice, even as adults.

 

[yesterday987g]

@miho Do they freak out when you’re making the choice for them? Mine does and I feel like I am violating her autonomy

 

[sunsetrose]

@yesterday987g I appreciate respecting children’s autonomy but ultimately - a 2 year old most of the time cannot rationalise WHY something needs to happen.

As parents we HAVE to do things they don’t like sometimes - brushing teeth tsp they don’t fall out, not eating all the chocolate/ice cream, not running into the road, wearing clothes.

I took my toddler off the wheelbarrow she was stood in that was going to tip over the other day - she had an absolute screaming meltdown. I calmed her down but damn straight I’d do it again.

 

[yesterday987g]

@sunsetrose I don’t object to violating her autonomy in the name of safety — it’s more in situations where, say, we have to leave the house and she’s refusing to have me change her diaper. I hate to pull off her pants and diaper even if she’s screaming and saying “no” because I don’t want her to get the idea that her “no” doesn’t mean anything

 

[sunsetrose]

@yesterday987g I get you - in my opinion it sucks for us and them but they get over it so fast. It’s just their way of learning, testing and it’s our job as good parents to teach them that sometimes we HAVE to do things we don’t want to.

I truly believe that otherwise we’ll end up with kids that don’t understand the word no and believe the world literally revolves around what they want at any given time.
I do think that gentle parenting/attachment parenting gets confused a LOT in this sub with permissive parenting.

It’s our role to teach them how to regulate their emotions in situations they’re not a big fan of and we can’t do that if we avoid any situation they don’t approve of.

 

[yesterday987g]

@sunsetrose Thank you, this response is helpful! I definitely don’t want to be permissive, but I do want to build a cooperative relationship with her, and sometimes when I have to override her like this it feels like I am way off track — or, like I cannot expect her to one day respect and cooperate with me because I am giving her cooperation or respect

 

[dansswing]

@yesterday987g Just to add to the poster above, when my girl screams over nappy changes or getting dressed, I still validate that she doesn't WANT to but explain sometimes we NEED to do things even if we don't want to. "I can hear you really don't want to have your nappy changed! We need to change it, but you can be angry about it! You hate having your nappy changed when you want to play instead! We need to do things sometimes even if we don't want to" etc.

 

[kayeban]

@dansswing This ^ I want to add that sometimes I think the choices (especially if neither is a great choice as far as the kid is concerned) just adds to the overwhelm. If the choice is genuine (I’d like to change your nappy now, but if you’re comfortable we can leave it till we get to the cafe) fine, but those kind of lame not really good choice at all choices we sometimes offer as parents are better left unsaid, and the you get on with the change while validating that the kid feels it sucks.

 

[kathleenloveschrist]

@yesterday987g Mine is the same age, and when she started resisting her butt-changes I potty trained her, she's very happy to wear knickers now because she has lots to choose from. For her clothes I usually pull out a couple of outfits and she can pick what she wears. We don't usually have arguments about it, she dawdles sometimes but then whispering helps for some reason!

She just wants a bit of control. She must wear clothes but it can be jeans or a dress or leggings, it's up to her.

 

[yesterday987g]

@kathleenloveschrist We are potty training right now and try to give choices, but girl looooves “no”

I can for sure try whispering!

 

[rascus]

@kathleenloveschrist I’m having the same struggles as OP. When you say whispering do you mean you literally just start saying everything in a whisper? And when do you do it? Is it when she starts resisting?

 

[kathleenloveschrist]

@rascus Yeah, when she isn't listening to me and I've asked her something more than twice I literally just whisper "mummy said go to the potty" and she almost always comes closer to say what? Or she laughs and whispers back to me! It may be a fluke, try it!

Edit because I pressed enter too soon.

 

[rascus]

@kathleenloveschrist Thanks! Haha I love this! I’ll definitely give this a try.

 

[kyotodragon]

@yesterday987g Eyes, smiles, why’s.

If I’m trying to do something she hates, I get down to her level and connect with eye contact and a hug. Then try to make her laugh and get physically engaged, like singing itsy bitsy spider with the hand motions. Finally I explain exactly what I’m going to do step by step and when she says “no” I’ll say something like I know you don’t want to, but we have to do this to keep your body clean and healthy.

It’s not perfect and she’ll complain sometimes, but she seems way more regulated and less upset when we are connected and have just had a fun experience together.

 

[yesterday987g]

@kyotodragon Thank you for this, this is really valuable input and makes a lot of sense. It is probably good for us both

 

[dwhite081705]

@yesterday987g Mine is 2.5 and loves to resist stuff like this too. Brushing teeth, diapers, ugh. What works best is usually some sort of bribe (that’s acceptable to me) like “oh hey it’s time for a snack, let’s do your diaper and then get that.”

Or I give a choice like I am going to change you, so where would you like to be changed? Stand here? Lie down there?

Or act it out with a toy. Bear needs to be changed, now your turn.

For changes of clothes sometimes I’m like ok fine be naked for a while then. Here’s the potty don’t pee on anything. Even a few minutes later I say are you ready for pajamas and sometimes he’s ready. So if it’s not totally a deal breaker I’ll let it go, I feel I have more sway when I HAVE to do something when I give him little wins.

 

[natty37]

@yesterday987g Tbh you need to just tell her that you ARE changing her diaper. There are choices she CAN make, such as what clothes she would prefer to wear, what snack she wants, etc. But the thing is, kids are nowhere near being able to make all of the choices for themselves that actually matter. You are the parent, you have to teach them right/wrong until they fully grasp it for themselves.

If she could, she wouldn’t brush her teeth, wouldn’t be clean, and would eat candy all day every day (every kid her age would). What I have found works really well is to literally stop what you’re doing, get eye level, and firmly (not yelling) say “we ARE changing your diaper. Come lay down for me, now.” I also do the stern mom look a lot of times without breaking eye contact. It works. I’m not saying anyone else is wrong, but you cannot turn everything into a game or give in to that sort of behavior. She will be just fine and you will still be her loving, amazing mom at the end of the day.

Don’t be the parent whose kid will not listen and follow simple directions when they get in school. It’s not cute. What I’ve found from being a mother to two and a step parent to one child is that a lot of people let behavior like that slide from ages 2-3 or 4 (because they’re cute and you don’t want to f them up) and then it’s a problem once the kid has siblings or gets into school. Making someone follow instruction and know when you mean business is not going to harm their sense of autonomy.

Also, there are times when you need your child to LISTEN right now. Nobody ever thinks they will encounter these situations, but as your child gets older you have to let them get more independent and the helicopter mom mentality a lot of ppl have is also another reason why kids are struggling I believe. If your child is outside and is about to step into an ant bed, saying “STOP” and them actually listening will save them a lot of trouble. If they’re in a parking lot with you, you need them to walk beside you and hold your hand, not start running around the parking lot because you don’t want to harm their sense of autonomy. There’s a time and place for these things, like I said. But it isn’t realistic or age-appropriate for a 2-3 year old to decide when they change clothes or have diaper changes. It will harm her more to sit in a dirty diaper (could get a UTI (which can turn into pyelonephritis if it became bad enough), yeast infection, diaper rash, etc).

And for some reason, as a more strict mom (especially in today’s parenting style) my kids have a great relationship with me and love cuddling with me and trust me very much to take care of their needs. I really do think kids crave a strong mother and father who know when to take control and when to let them do it themselves. Acting like their best friend and getting run over by them is no way to be. Not that you have to be an a-hole, but seriously being a parent is being a leader of your household.