Help me please, before I lose my ever loving mind. Read full post!

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amayasasaki

New member
My daughter is 3.

I love her more than life itself.

She's soooo good. A fantastic listener, picks up her toys when I ask (usually), etc.

So I probably sound ungrateful when I say, I'm SO frustrated that she will not go the f**k to sleep.

I work full time, so does hubby, and we currently live with my parents due to some issues of 2023.

Bedtime routine:

Bath
Say "night night" to grandma and grandpa and daddy and the two dogs and the cat
Jammies
Story
Bed

Then we're thirsty, then we want to go potty (every 2 f**king minutes), then we want daddy, then mommy again)

Mind you, we've tried adjusting her bedtime from 7pm to 7.30pm, then we tried changing from that to 8pm. Nothing has helped.

And yes, we tried it for a "long enough" time period.

We sit by her for minimum an hour every night.

What do I do?
 
@amayasasaki Think of all the things before it's time for you to leave like give her a water bottle or cup of water or whatever you do, ask her to use the potty, find her favorite stuffie and then just hold the boundary and say no. If she knows things are open to negotiation of course she's going to try and get more time and snuggles. It's hard and she may have a meltdown the first few days but you have to set the rules and then mean it. You can try to ease into it with check ins, mommy is saying good night now and i have to go clean up downstairs, I'll check on you in 5 minutes, then check on her (maybe only actually leave for a minute or two the first time) and leave again and promise to check in and make the times longer (on your end she won't know) till she falls asleep independently. Might take longer but be more gentle if that's what you'd prefer.
 
@christianbeliever69 I saw someone who did this method brought post it notes every time she checked on her kid & put it on their bed frame. Like draw a heart or something. Then the last check in when they were finally asleep she put a ton of post it notes, like 10. So when their kid woke up they knew that their parents checked on them all the time. Could do this method with other stuff like a stuffed animal. When I get to this point I plan on doing this method
 
@twm I was just thinking of that story when reading the comment above! I was about to go find it on instagram but you remembered it perfectly!!
 
@christianbeliever69 While reading this comment I was thinking OP might be successful laying this boundary and reading llama llama red pajama every night with her, since that’s the premise in that book. My favorite line towards the end I’m trying to repeat a lot to my 2 year old: “mama llama’s always near, even if she’s not right here.”
 
@amayasasaki This sounds like a classic stalling technique that's working pretty well for baby girl.

You've tried adjusting her bedtime to ensure that you've got her schedule/routine honed in to be what she needs... so it might be time to just hold the bedtime boundary now. We recently had a similar issue with our toddler, who's a little younger (2.5 now).

Do your bedtime routine: bath, night-nights, jammies, story, bed

Bring water with you to bed (we always keep a water bottle on the bedside table)

After the story, offer the drink of water and let your kiddo know that it's time for night-night, lights out and to go to sleep. Then do just that. No more going out for water, no going potty, no getting anyone else, it's time for bed.

I'd stick with your established routine and do that for a week or so, then start trying to disengage from the room sooner and sooner. Give a warning, "I'm going to sit with you for 10 minutes, then I'm going to go out here into the living room." Then leave. We don't leave our kiddo to cry-it-out, so if she's upset when we leave, we do check-ins, so we'll come back in 5 minutes or so. After a few check-ins, we'll start just stopping at the doorway instead of going all the way into her room.

It's not often that we need to go back in after she's gone to bed.
 
@pph This is honestly the best advice and we've done this when we lived with just the 3 of us.

Since moving in with my parents however, it went to shit. It's all about "my kids didn't do this" step parents and so on. And they get frustrated by the cries of an upset toddler.
 
@amayasasaki Blah! I imagine that change in living situation has presented some other complications as well! Grandparents have so many opinions on child-rearing.

The reality of it is, you're the parent, and you know what works best for your kiddo. If this was your normal routine before, and it was successful, don't fix what ain't broken.

I'd sit all of the adults in the house down and let them know that you're going to be working on transitioning baby girl to a more sustainable nighttime routine, and what that will mean for them. That will mean they get their goodnights before baby goes into her room, and that they may have to experience a little bit more crying for the next couple of weeks. They can get earplugs or something if it's so offensive to them.

Hopefully it won't take even that long to get back into the swing of things. Even when they resist, those little toddlers find a lot of comfort in understanding their routines and boundaries.
 
@amayasasaki I live with my parents. Just tell them thanks for the info, and then ignore them. They can be frustrated by the cries of a toddler, that's not your problem. They're grown folk, they can handle their own emotions.
 
@pph Yeah, we have a 3 visits rule. Once reading is done and he's tucked in he can call for us 3 times and after that we're not coming back. So if he needs another hug or a kiss or his Tango (he has a stuffed version of Elmo's dog) is missing or he has a particular quiet song he wants to listen to on the kid's echo in his room, he has 3 times he can ask for. After that he'll have to make due.

Now, this isn't a strict 100% rule, there are times when his tiredness has triggered him into like an upset spiral he can't get out of and then we'll help to end the spiral, but this is good enough to keep the requests for help usually to like a 15 - 20 minute window.
 
@pph Does your kid get out of bed? We’ve tried all of this with our 3 y/o but he just follows me downstairs if he’s not pleased with my check-in!
 
@bongda365v1 We lock our 2.5 yr old into his room and do a reverse colored light system. I know not everyone is ok with locking kids in, but I don’t get how it’s any different than a large crib lol.

We do bedtime reading etc until the light changes color, then mom and dad leave and he can play quietly/read, then when it changes again it is time for him to get in bed and fall asleep. He took to this system really quickly. We like that it gives him a little independence to figure out how to wind himself down. So yes, he gets out of bed, but he knows at some point he must be in bed. If he’s not we tell him to get in bed via the monitor speaker and he HIGHTAILS it into bed.

If he really needs something when the door is locked, he lets his need be known lol. We just go check on him and see what he needs.
 
@bongda365v1 Our kiddo never did get out of bed... But when we first transitioned her to a bed we put a baby gate up across her doorway as a way to babyproof. We kept that closed each night when we went to sleep, so she wouldn't be able to wander if she did get up. We didn't like the idea of locking the door to keep her in, so that was our compromise.
 
@amayasasaki Oh man. I feel you. I started giving mine stickers as “tickets” for the sleep train. ( we have that book) and I tell him he can’t get off because there are no more tickets. It works.. toddler logic
 
@amayasasaki When my son does the whole “I want Mummy, I want Daddy” thing I normally say “okay hang on, I’ll get Dad. I think he might be outside” or something and then I’ll walk out and he’ll often just go to sleep while I’m “looking for Dad” lol.
 
@amayasasaki My daughter recently struggled hard with sleep, starting just before she turned 3, and she’s 3.5 now and we finally have had a few weeks of being back to a good place. (Proof is in the post history). Put a spill proof water bottle in the bed with a 1/4 cup of water. Go pee right before she gets in bed. We finish our routine in her room and I told her point blank that’s was not coming back in or going to be outside her door. I was going to go clean up and go to bed. If she wakes in the night to go pee I will take her to pee but then it’s same rules, straight back to bed. She put up a fight the first night but it’s worth it. She’s getting much better sleep, and been much better mood throughout the day. Be consistent.
 
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