Having another in a blended family

[theclanofharris]

Hello. I'm leaning towards having another. My partner is more on the fence. I tell him if he says no, I'll respect that choice but he doesn't feel ready to say no (or yes for that matter).

We have one child together through IVF - he's 1 yr old. He is really sweet and just is an easy kid. I feel like I hit the jackpot w him. We all love him so much.

I have two stepkids- 8 and 11 years old. We have them 50% of the time. They adore their baby brother. Seeing their bond had been so heartening.

Cons of having another-
-Our ages- I'm in my early 40s and my partner is in his mid-40s. My partner has some health issues too (nothing major but still limits him in some ways). No health issues for me. Considering our ages I'd want to get pregnant again this year. Luckily fertility isn't an issue because we have frozen euploids from a few years ago.
-Finances- two little kids in daycare at the same time will mean major cash flow issues. We also will need to use a big chunk of our savings to purchase a minivan. And then there is trying to save for college ... Finances is the factor that gives my partner the greatest pause.
-The early years- Having a baby and a toddler at the same time sounds... stressful to say the least. I know how rough the sleep deprivation stage is. I tell myself it will just be temporary but it still will suck.
-Babysitting - will be harder/more expensive, meaning less couple time.
-Travel - traveling w 4 kids/teenagers will be hard to afford and the logistics will be tough.
-Blended family complications - How will it make my stepkids feel? When we brought up the idea casually about having another we got mixed emotions from them. I just want us to continue to feel like a whole family.

Pros-
-We have a lot of love to give. I know my partner and I would love her to pieces (We know the sex of the embryos so we know it would be a girl)
-My baby boy will have a sibling close in age that will be w us full time. I want to give him that. I had two siblings much older than me and I remember being incredibly sad when they left for college.
-When I picture my family in 10 years, I picture having her in our lives (esp during the adolescent years). I feel like she is missing from our family.

I've posted on this on the stepparents subreddit about a year ago but decided to give this subreddit a go too to get fresh perspectives. When I posted on the stepparents subreddit I got a lot of "wait and see how you feel" w the implication that the baby phase will be humbling and I may change my mind. However my desire to have another has only gotten stronger with time. I love being a mom and, yes, the newborn phase is tough but it was all worth it. You can see the post and responses in my history, if curious.

Thanks in advance! I love hearing different perspectives.

 

[katrina2017]

@theclanofharris Maybe this is a similar perspective, but I would give it another year before deciding. You are at peak sweetness phase with your one year old. Barely mobile, maybe saying “mama” and adorable. You will be in entirely different (and some say more challenging) phase in 9 months from now if you get pregnant now, and then you have a newborn, a young toddler who is getting into absolutely everything, and two possibly ambivalent step kids who might feel displaced.

4 kids is a lot these days. It seems like a much more intentional choice given how expensive everything is. A blended family is a lot. IVF is a lot. But it sounds like you really want another. I wouldn’t rush into it because you have a lot more extenuating circumstances than most. And your husband may need time to get fully on board.

r/parentinginbulk might help with finances/logistics questions.

 

[theclanofharris]

@katrina2017 Thank you for your honest take! Really appreciate it.

 

[networkseen]

@theclanofharris As someone in a similar situation, I can tell you about us:

My husband is in his late 40’s and I am in my late 30’s. I have two stepchildren, a 15 yo stepson and a 11 yo stepdaughter. I have a bio-son who will be 3 soon and a daughter who is 15 weeks old. My children were conceived with the help of DE IVF, after a very long disheartening fertility struggle. We have my stepkids 50% of the time, and we both work full time. Like you, I grew up with siblings that were spread out in age, and wish I had someone close to my age to share things with both as a kid and especially now as an adult. My closest sibling is 14 years younger than me, because I also grew up as part of a complicated blended family.

When we looked at family size (still considering a third somewhere down the road, undecided) we think about what Christmas morning will feel like 20 years from now. What we want our family to feel like to our children. That it will be busy and fun, friendly, and full of people. That their kids will hopefully have cousins to play with. Our house is loud, chaotic, but hopefully feels like home base to everyone. My husband’s sister also has five children including triplets from IVF, so we are in good company!

I do have help. My mom and dad help watch my children, so the impact of daycare costs has not hit us as it would have without them. We previously paid for daycare when my stepchildren were young because we lived too far away. We changed our jobs during IVF/post birth to accommodate more time at home and my stepkids schedule (my husband drives them to school in a different district). We did have to buy a larger vehicle and it’s still squished if we all ride together.

We are also in the thick of it right now-even though my little lady is a good sleeper, she is still 15 weeks old. She has GI issues with lots of spit up. Nobody is getting “normal” sleep even with her sleeping through the night, everyone just started back to school, maternity leave just ended, and my little guy will start preschool in a few weeks. It is A LOT and I consider myself pretty good at handling even the most outrageous of 3 ring circuses. …but this too shall pass and in a few weeks it will be something new we can look forward to.

One thing that has never been in question is that my stepkids love their siblings. They adore them! My son and his big sister are especially close, and she is already planning things for her baby sister. My stepson likes to play with my son too. He will play with the baby as well, but until she is a bit older it’s tough for him to connect. I am confident we made the right decision in moving to 2 (4), and hope we can make the correct decision in a few years when we decide on if we should try for 3 (5).

All this to say if you look into your future and truly see that little girl in your family, I think you will live with regret if you don’t try, but only you two can answer that. Particularly if you have euploids on ice and with the age gap between the “big kids” that are bio siblings, and your “little guy”. I wish you the best in making your decision!

 

[theclanofharris]

@networkseen Thank you! It's really nice to hear from someone in a similar situation. And congrats on the babies! Infertility is so hard and I'm so happy you were able to grow your family!

It's also great to hear that your stepkids love their little siblings. I have no reason to think my stepkids won't love another baby once she's born. They have been nothing but doting big siblings to their baby brother. The other commenter said my stepkids might feel displaced but we would do everything in our power not to have them feel that way. My partner is an amazing dad who gives them so much love.

You are right. There is always the chance the embryo transfers won't work but I would feel regret if I didn't try. I know having another will be hard, but that doesn't mean it won't be worth it. I just have to make sure my partner is fully on board. So it might not happen in the next few months or ever. We will see. But posting and these exchanges is at least giving me needed clarity about what I want.