Has being an AP made you realise that your parents f’d you up? How did you come to terms with how you were parented?

[furiouscat4323]

Like most parents, mine were loving, caring and did what they thought was right at the time, based on the advice they were given. I got lots of hugs and kisses, they told me they loved me often, they explained to me about being the boss of my own body etc.

But of course they made mistakes too - I wasn’t ever allowed to be angry, my feelings were dismissed, and they did CIO.

They also left me with a grandparent for a week when I was six months old, to go on vacation. I had always known this growing up, but when I had my own six month old I was suddenly like wtf, you couldn’t pay me to leave her.

And my grandparent would put me to bed, shut the door and come back 12 hours later. And did similar for naps, or left me at the bottom of the garden in my pram. It was only a week, but my heart breaks at the thought of six month old me going through that.

I’m now on anti depressants and working through a lot of things in therapy, and we have uncovered a fear of abandonment - I subconsciously believe that if I give people any reason to (i.e. if I make a mistake or don’t try hard enough), they will abandon me. Which makes me an extremely anxious perfectionist, to the point that it’s affected my mental health. There’s many life events that led me here, but I’m only realising how far back they go now that I’m familiar with AP.

I practice AP in part because I believe it’s best for my baby’s mental health. But I don’t really know what to do with what it’s causing me to learn about myself. I would love to hear others’ thoughts about coming to terms with how you were parented, if you’re willing to share?

 

[bunny1kenobi]

@furiouscat4323 Being able to parent my children the way I deserved but missed out on has been very healing. I have felt super frustrated with my parents along the way because things have been harder due to them not giving me appropriate skills. I also find that it really lights a fire in me to try harder. I absolutely hate how my feelings and needs were neglected. It is such a privilege to be there for my children.

 

[roseann344]

@bunny1kenobi I feel the exact same way. Mothering how I should have been mothered heals me too, somehow.

 

[cosmicosmo]

@furiouscat4323 So much of this resonates with me, so I hope you know you're not alone in feeling this way. Personally the book "The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read" has been incredibly healing for me and I think about it most days.

 

[thegoalie]

@cosmicosmo I wish I could upvote this 1000000 times. I just finished it and was so moved. I think I’ll re-read it quite a few more times.

 

[cosmicosmo]

@thegoalie So glad to hear other people have found it useful too! It's so important we do the work to heal our own wounds so that we don't pass them on to our babies & the next generation. It's not our fault but it IS our responsibility to change the narrative!

 

[thegoalie]

@cosmicosmo Couldn’t agree with you more!

 

[myia]

@furiouscat4323 My situation is a bit more extreme than yours because my parents were emotionally abusive. Prior to becoming pregnant I made sure to do enough therapy such that I felt "ready" to become a mother. Once I actually became a mother, however, I was right back in therapy having to reprocess a lot of what happened to me because I saw it from the perspective of a parent, not a child. Even though I have been a mother for a few years and have worked hard in therapy, the disgust and disappointment I feel when I think about my childhood is still much more intense than I was before becoming a parent for exactly the same reason you mentioned: I cannot fathom treating my child that way.

Having been on the mental health merry-go-round for many years, becoming a parent has been a wonderful growth opportunity for me. Showing love for a small, innocent, helpless person has allowed me to finally fully believe that I am not my parents. And all of my pain has made me more mindful of how I speak to my daughter. For example, instead of "don't cry," I tell her that she is safe and loved while I hug her. It still hurts that my parents were so awful to me, but I take comfort in knowing that I am doing things differently.

The fact that you are feeling this way means that you are self-aware enough, and loving enough, to be a wonderful parent.

 

[joesailor61]

@myia Being the kind of parent we wish we had can be very healing.

The longer I’m a parent the more things I realize I can do better, by looking at my kids and paying attention to what they need, and making that my main priority.

 

[sjp03]

@myia Omg you’ve just articulated exactly how I’ve been feeling since becoming a mother: “viewing my childhood through the eyes of a parent” is exactly it and it has dragged up so much hostility and resentment that wasn’t there before. Thank you for posting this! and yes the best way forward is to provide the love and attention that we know we needed as children.

 

[dvm0071]

@myia This is such an interesting response to me. I had such a difficult childhood. One of my brothers has softened towards my parents as he has had kids but I’ve found that my view has become more harsh and judgmental since I had a child.

 

[joesailor61]

@dvm0071 I’ve been through both of those extremes and lots of places in between with my feelings towards my own parents. I think there’s space for all those feelings but at the end of the day my parents are not all bad, and they love my kids and are really great to them. So I’m learning where my boundaries are with them and how to be clear about them so we can have a positive relationship.

For example, yesterday I told my mom if she wants to talk about how she parented us and her guilt about that to talk to a therapist, not me. She acted like I was joking but she still stopped.

 

[furiouscat4323]

@myia Wow thank you for your thoughtful answer. I’m so sorry you went through what you did as a child. You sound like a wonderful parent

 

[bbuqa24]

@myia I feel this. You so often hear that becoming a parent leads to newfound empathy for your own parents but for me so far it's just made me realise how badly I was treated.

 

[gideonfisk]

@furiouscat4323 I have been working on this since becoming a mother also. My mom left when I was little so i also have abandonment issues that lead to similar adult traits like you described.

One time I looked into my baby's eyes and literally saw myself in them and the pain was so deep because I was reliving my childhood pain. Her first few weeks I was so scared of her ever feeling abandoned by me and cried when she cried because I felt her sadness so much (but I thinl I was also feeling my own sadness for the sad "baby me" I saw in her.) Suffice it to say, it was very hard and confusing.

The best advice I was given was that I needed to be there for my baby and not get dragged in to the pain. I needed to support her through her sadness but not fall victim to it myself; she needs a calm, confident, stable mom who will be there through all emotions and I needed to separate my own childhood pain from the present and show up for my baby 100%.

Besides this, I know that I am different from my parents and have learned a lot of new parenting strategies. I have done tons of reading and research so I can parent in a different way than I was parented. I know I will mess up, but ill never abandon my baby girl, and I think that's the most important thing of all. It sounds like you are on that page too♡

 

[katrina2017]

@furiouscat4323 I have actually felt a huge wave of forgiveness for my mother and father. My mom had me at 18 and I now understand how demanding it must have been on a young woman with limited resources. Not to mention that she had a traumatic birth experience. It’s all about empathy for me. I wasn’t able to comprehend the neglect until I realized that it really was the best she could do. Attachment parenting is difficult - even though I’m 29, financially stable, and with a partner who is equally invested emotionally and physically, I struggle. Like really struggle. Even though my mom did not start our relationship with attachment parenting, I feel as though she has found a way to do it in my adult life. She always answers my phone calls and never responds with judgement. She was actually the one to buy me an attachment parenting book while I was still pregnant.

 

[katrina2017]

@furiouscat4323 I should add that everyone on this thread mentions healing through parenting. While it is incredibly motivating to give our kids what we never had, sometimes you find yourself putting your own insecurities on them if you follow this path. Finding a way to forgive your own parents and choosing a parenting path free of that baggage is probably the healthiest way to move forward for ourselves and for our kids.

Think about it...it’s our jobs to teach our kids how to move through their negative feelings without dismissing them. Finding forgiveness in your own life is a great way to model moving through negative feelings.

 

[joesailor61]

@furiouscat4323 I think some other comments addressed what I’ve experienced - healing by being really sweet to my own kids.

One thing that has NOT helped me come to terms, or be a better parent, is dwelling on my childhood, or trying to “figure it out”. Books, therapists I’ve seen, articles, etc have said that to heal from your childhood you need to figure out what happened in your childhood to cause you to act or feel a certain way now. I’m sure this is true to some extent and noticing ways you can do better than your own parents is a good idea.

But I got stuck there, feeling sad, lonely, depressed, and extremely guilty for the ways I have failed my kids in the past, for the ways I was like my own parents even though I was determined not to be. So it’s better for me to focus on really being a great partner to my kids, each moment, by taking baby steps.

 

[furiouscat4323]

@joesailor61 Yes. I think I’m going to ask my therapist if we can talk about how to find closure and move on. We’ve done some deep diving into my childhood experiences and it’s been very freeing and enlightening, but I want to make sure I keep moving forward rather than getting stuck on “My parents did X so now I’m Y” thinking.

 

[katrina2017]

@furiouscat4323 I believe we have a mental health crisis in the U.S. due the style of parenting you're describing. My parents parented very similar to yours and I have many of the same mental health struggles that I'm just now on the tail end of healing from.

Giving my son all the things I wish I had gotten from my parents and spreading the word to other parents about attachment theory and the importance of secure attachments is how I channel my frustrations around inadequate parenting.

Thankfully in my 20s I confronted both parents about their shortcomings that I felt affected me negatively and got some closure. Now in my 30s with my own kid I just try to practice forgiveness and remember they loved me and tried to do their best. They didn't have as many resources as I have.

I also don't hesitate to tell them how I want them to care for my son. Thankfully they respect my wishes but if they didn't I wouldn't leave him with them alone.