Has anyone else's pre-ttc goals evolved a lot while they've been waiting?

[slawbama]

I feel like I've been waiting to try for forever. I've always wanted kids, so over time, my ideas of what exactly constituted "ready" to have kids have changed. I would be really interested to hear how everyone else's "We will start trying when ____" statements have changed!

Before I met my SO, in my early teens, the only things I wanted to make sure I did before I had kids were:

• Get married
• Graduate college.

Fast forward to after college, age 22, my SO and I are together, he's nowhere near ready, and I think, well, I guess I should:

• Get a career
• Buy a house
• Wait for SO to be ready

A couple years later, age 24, we had careers, had moved across the country, were buying a house, and SO was actively waiting to try with me rather than defaulting to "I'm not ready to talk about that yet." But we discuss the fact that I'm in my career just because it pays well, and we would like the option for me to be a stay-at-home-mom and homeschool if it doesn't drive me crazy. So we decide on the crazy goal line for ttc of:

• Pay off the mortgage

Fast forward to now. We're 3 years from paying off the mortgage at the consistent rate we've committed to sustaining, we may get there a little faster pending raises, bonuses, tax refunds, and any scraping together of savings to get us just a little closer. I'm trying to reign in my spending that feels 'frivolous' when we look at our spending each month, so instead of eating a ridiculous amount of Chipotle each month I could be moving us closer to graduation. But we've also considered changing to:

• Be 9 months away from paying off the mortgage

Because I'm impatient basically. And that is still the farthest out thing we need to do, but we've had a lot of conversations in the meantime about what we should get done while we're paying off the house, and constantly changing our minds.

• (Me) I should really get to a normal weight!
• (SO) Okay, me too!
• (Both) Eh, do we have to?
• (Me, after talking with OBGYN & PCP) Ok, yeah we definitely have to
• Oh, we should remodel the kitchen! Oh wait, it's expensive... maybe but maybe not.
• At least we'll knock down that useless wall.
• We would really like out yard to not be awful. Let's fix that and plant some vegetables.
• We need a car that five people don't feel squished in.
• We really need to get your parents to move out here.
• We should replace the carpet
• Oh, right, we should probably consider getting married at some point. But both of us hate parties and being the center of attention. Elope? Parents threatening to disown us if x, y, or z relative isn't invited. Can't tell if serious. Um, let's put this off until later!
• We should get a pet! Gridell has allergic reaction to all the fuzzy things ... Nevermind!
• Well then, Gridell should get allergy shots! Did it work? Kind of, but still not enough where she would want to live with a cat. Oh well!

I'm sure with 2-3 years of waiting still ahead of us, we'll find plenty more things we want to do in our lives or with the house before we start trying. And while the list of stuff is pretty overwhelming, paying off the house and losing the weight would be sufficient for us to graduate. The rest is desired, but not necessarily required.

 

[isthisreal]

@slawbama Sure, I've moved the finish line many times (much to the annoyance of my husband). Originally it was just getting our debts paid off. Then I wanted a few more months free to drink and do whatever I wanted. Then we had a trip I didn't want to be pregnant for. And I just didn't feel ready or excited. Now all that's done and it feels more right than it did in the past. There are other things I'd like to not feel awful during, like a work conference next month, but I wouldn't be very pregnant if pregnant at all and it doesn't seem necessary to wait another month.

 

[lostgirl28]

@slawbama Before meeting my husband the main goal was get married.
Once we decided to get married we figured we probably needed a house and wanted to pay off some debt.
Coming up on our first anniversary this month and our goals are a lot more clear. We are saving for a down payment for a home, we want to be in the house at least 3 months. My husband would like to get his position as assistant chief under his belt at our volunteer fire Dept. Train our dogs to listen better, especially our horse (great Dane). Have our land fenced, and any other crazy home improvement projects. Get to a healthy weight and maybe get myself a real job.
Even with my husband being ready right now, there are so many things I know we have to get done before we can start trying.

 

[sophieleigh92]

@slawbama To be honest I don't remember exactly what my goals were aside from being an adult, financially stable and waiting for my (now) husband to say he was on board. I feel like almost anything around baby-making could be sorted out if we were ready for it, so I never made huge goals.

Now I am waiting to start between Oct/Nov (if my body decides to cooperate post-BC pill); surprisingly, thinking back, we did reach quite a few goals before feeling ready, though!

We got married, own a house, remodeled our kitchen, have two cars both okay to fit an extra family member, we have two cats together, he has a career while I am not so sure about myself but we are pretty thrifty so expenses are low. I feel like things will never be 100% perfect before babies come, but I think we'll figure it out.

The only thing I have left to do is lose some more weight. I've already lost about 5lbs and I now would prefer losing 8lbs more if I can swing that. However, I am not overweight so I am not too concerned. I am just on the end of the normal range that's closer to it and would like to be more line in the center!

Your list sounds very sensible, I hope you manage to get the main things out of the way so you can graduate! [sup]_^[/sup]

 

[gideondavid40]

@slawbama I know this is a bit late, but I just found this sub; this question is perfect because I've been really hovering on when I'll be ready to start thinking about being ready. Before, all I knew was if I was going to get pregnant, it'd be a LOOOONG time from now. Now, we're looking to buy a house and I'm like... wait, that was the thing I was waiting for! Now what?

I know I still have a good couple trips I want to take (we're still going to plan a fancy 'honeymoon' replacement because we have been saving for the house for forever). But then what, will we want to make sure the house is up to a certain standard? Have a certain amount of time in at our jobs? Have our finances such that I could stop working if I wanted to? (which I know I don't want to and I know I could never change my mind because I'm apparently an expert on having a baby /s). Have a certain net worth/savings cushion?

I appreciate this post simply because it provides me additional awareness of the 'getting ready' process and permission to change some goals around (or prevents some guilt when I do end up changing goals around).

P.S. good on you for being mortgage-free! That would be my dream but with our housing prices, I count us lucky we can afford the mortgage.

 

[slawbama]

@gideondavid40 Haha, I'm with you on the oh I totally know whether I'm gonna want to keep working after a baby /s

Our plan is to have me stay at home for at least a year, if not forever, but my work friends with babies insist I'll start going crazy after 6 months and be dying to come back to work.

There's so much flexibility though in wtt, that I think it's important letting people know it's okay for pre-baby lists to evolve and timelines to change. It seems like a lot of people my age especially have this vision of how their life was "supposed" to go and feel like that vision was a promise to themselves. No! You are allowed to change your mind so much on WHEN and even WHETHER you want the things you imagined you would have.

 

[gideondavid40]

@slawbama Our plan is a bit opposite, and mostly undefined. My husband is the one who loves kids and when we talk about the phantom future kids there's always this shared sense of, "wow, it's too bad he can't have them and stay home with them after birth." Granted, yes, stay-at-home dads are certainly a thing, but the mom still has some serious recovering/bonding to do after birth.

I am the person who needs order and autonomy in my life, so I expect work will provide that reprieve for me. But I have heard of so many moms who just know once they have their kid that work is much less important than raising them, and I can't bring myself to try to plan too much when some decisions are made on entirely unpredictable factors.