Gun violence

@j90 If anything happened to my only child, whether it be gun violence or something statistically more likely such as a car accident or illness, I would be devastated and would grieve her the rest of my life. Having another kid wouldn't change how fucking sad and devastated I would be after losing a child. I also would probably become a shit parent to my other kid because I'd be consumed with grief. At least only having one kid would mean I wouldn't have to deal with my own grief while also parenting a grieving child.
 
@j90 My partner is a physician so sees death daily. He is too familiar with scenarios that many consider “rare”. Anyways, he poses this question to me frequently. We are considering freezing embryos. It’s a valid worry and fear so the before is a potential solution for us!
 
@j90 My neighbor is planning on having three kids because of this, her reasoning is if she has three and one dies then the other two will still have each other. In my opinion nothing would soften the blow of losing a child, you can have one or ten but if one is taken from you it's going to be devastating. There's also the flip side of how the lose of a sibling can affect the remaining child / children. All in all, I don't think there's anything you can do to make a terrible situation like that better.
 
@divine37 I am one of three because of this, and my mother was always very open about that. She lost her only sibling at 19. So I suppose that’s why it’s top of mind for me.
 
@j90 That makes sense, when you grow up hearing one thing it's bound to shape your decisions and feelings. If you want more, go for it, but IMO (without actually knowing you or anything haha) I'd say have one if you want one not because of fear. But if you'd be happier with another, go for it! Also 5mo is super new, I didn't firmly decide to be OAD until the end of year one so take all the time you need to figure it out.
 
@j90 I worry about many things and this is one of them. I’m oad but it’s not finalized I’m only on bc pill but I could not do it worrying about another one.
 
@j90 We are also in the US, and it’s a risk we take. We want one child, and we are having one, but we’re not guaranteed a child through the rest of our lives. If something happens and we lose our child, it’ll be just us. We can always foster to fulfill our wish to parent (did it before pregnancy), and just enjoy our time together as a couple. I can’t imagine how devastating it would be, of course, but if those are the cards we end up getting, we will play them as best as we can.
 
@j90 I read in the sub, when worrying about the same thing, that, the last thing you'll want to do if you lose a child, is parent another child. If I lost my son, my existence would not be this life I live. I don't know what it would be, but having a "back up" would only make it worse.
 
@j90 If my child dies, I’m not going to be the same person afterwards. I might not even want to exist.

I’ve seen what happens to families who lose a child, and the parents still have to keep on going for the other kiddos. It’s so sad. They’re not the same anymore and the remaining kiddos have just a shell of their parents left, if that. There’s multiple complexities with the remaining relationships.

I had to manage my dads grief, my siblings grief, and my own grief when my mom died. The more people involved, the greater the chances for “drowning” so to say - trying to keep everyone afloat at the same time so they don’t each individually drown in their grief and misery and depression. It’s taxing.
 
@j90 I feel like losing a child, whether I have one or another would destroy me. I have a close family friend who lost one of her 3 kids very suddenly. It was heartbreaking for all & she’s never been the same. I would have a very difficult time even existing and raising my other kids. They would have a shell of me.

Gun violence is scary. I hate living in the US because of it.

I joined Moms Demand Action but haven’t had time to do anything other than join. Getting involved, even a little bit helps with that fear.

But I know I am not in control. I try to just take it one day at a time. I’m so grateful to have one healthy happy child.
 
@j90 I have this same fear and it definitely eats at me. However one thing that sort of helps me logic my way out is, what if we had a second and then the something awful happens to the second child? The trauma wouldn’t be any different but if you hadn’t had the second child you would never have experienced it.
 
@j90 After Uvalde I left America to raise my Korean-American daughter in Korea, they have gun control here and the speed limits are slower and crime rates are really low people leave children alone in this country so I feel very safe to raise my little girl here. I feel so sorry for America I’d rather just live next to North Korea.
 
@j90 Silver Lining: If something terrible happens and you lose your only you won't have to worry about navigating the grief around caring for another child.

This is a conversation the hubs and I have had about potentially losing our own daughter.
 
@j90 If anything happened to my kid, the last thing I would be worried about is not having any other children. I'd be so deep in grief, my label as "childless" wouldn't even cross my mind? If anything, I'd rather just deal with my own grief while not having another child to worry about.
 
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