Guilt when Dad looks after baby?

[genine]

Hi all,

My LO is nearly 12 weeks old and myself and husband adore him absolutely. I’m currently on MAT leave from my job as a teacher, husband went back to work when LO was 3 weeks old.

My question is - does anyone else feel bad when their partner returns from work and asking them to help out with baby?
E.g doing bathtime, feeding, bedtime routine

I feel like to him, I currently ‘just’ look after baby, I didn’t realise how full on a baby is! I’m finding it impossible to clean and cook as much as I’d like to in the day so I’ve taken to doing it when husband arrives home from work - usually around 10pm - and staying up late doing housework but I’m starting to feel burnt out.

My husband is working hard at work and has a stressful job. I’d just like other people’s experiences of balancing this whole new family dynamic really.

Thanks to anyone who takes time to reply

 

[brokenjohninchrist]

@genine I do feel guilty, but grateful. Being a SAHM I told myself that I would do every nighttime feeding so my husband could sleep and be refreshed for work. I struggled hard. LO wakes up twice during the night so he takes the first feeding and I do the second. It took me awhile to ask for help. Turns out he was more than willing to help and told me not to feel guilty.

 

[crownfair]

@genine No. I don’t feel bad asking my husband to parent as a partner. I’m a SAHM. While my husband is working, I don’t bother him unless it’s an emergency (he’s WFH) such as an injury. Outside of when he’s working, we both share the parenting responsibilities evenly. We acknowledge that other household responsibilities also count towards parenting though. So if my husband says he’s going to rake the yard, I’ve got parenting. At the start, we split night wake ups evenly.

Now, I’m pregnant with twins. I’ve had a very hard pregnancy and my husband has taken the lead on parenting after work hours so I can rest. He doesn’t ask for anything in return, because in his mind, this is best for our family.

Split up labor however you choose in your house though. As long as it feels even between you and your husband, that’s all that matters. But never feel guilty asking him to parent or take care of his child while you leave the house.

 

[okieallday]

@genine Hell no!! It’s his baby too!

I’m on maternity leave. My husband doesn’t get any parental leave, but he works from home. We split the nights and he does what he can during the day when he’s not busy with work. I exclusively pump and he washes all the bottles and pump parts.

In my experience, the more involved he is, the stronger his bond is with the baby, and the more he appreciates that childcare is like double full time work.

 

[mezete]

@okieallday This first line!

Husband has been co-sleeping with the lo and was saying how hard it has been to sleep. I told him to tell me when it has been nine months and we can call it even (pregnancy insomnia was so bad I would often just go back and forth between the bed and couch all night long). Being the stay at home parent is hard! I was thinking back to when I was working full time and it was a joke compared to what I’m doing today.

 

[rudolphcarlson]

@genine Yes! My husband works from home but is solidly busy all day long. He gets off at 5, walks the dog, then I'm nursing the baby at 5:30 so it's on him to cook. I usually let the baby contact nap on me at that time because it's the only way for my husband and I to be able to eat dinner together before the bedtime routine. This means he also has to clean up the kitchen, and then while I do bath time he preps a bottle and then does the nighttime feeding and rocks baby to sleep so I can pump, shower, and try to tidy up the house.

I used to do all the cooking and cleaning and it has been very difficult for me to get used to asking my husband for extra help. However, we know that this is both necessary and temporary! Our guy is 10 weeks old and we are all still trying to settle into our new routines and roles. The shared burden of parenting and all of the other household responsibilities is tough on everyone involved. I have major guilt about it, but I'm trying to tell myself that our lives will now be forever evolving as our baby grows and his needs change and we will all have to constantly adapt. Easier said than done, of course, but it's what I tell myself to stay sane!

 

[snshort]

@genine Your husband also chose to be a parent, so you shouldn’t feel guilty! When you go back to work, you’ll have to share the responsibilities I imagine. I’m sure he’s happy to help you as well. It is a lot of work to look after a baby and is a 24/7 job - you deserve some assistance a few hours of the day.