Guilt factoe

[ruhi]

I am a OAD mom. My daughter is 7 years now . Till she was 5 years , i never thought of a second child but then i started seeing all her frens getting siblings. We r a family of 3 and most ppl around us are a family of 4 or more. I was turning 40 when the thought of second baby came.

I desperately wanted a second suddenly but was scared to try at 40 due to risks involved with high maternal age ( genetic defects, autism). My husband was ok with either and left the decision on me. I found this too diff as I could not stop thinking what if something goes wrong and I was being greedy at a late age.

I decided not to go for it with a heavy heart. It was a very difficult decision for me and I felt sad at not giving my daughter a sibling she deserved. I wished I could have thought of it when i was in my thirties.

Now I see some of friends of age 41-43 having their second babies. This triggered the guilt that I was not that late. Why was I scared that something may go wrong due to my age when these girls can go ahead at age more than what I was at that time of dilemma.
I have gone into a very sad mindset feeling very guilty at not having the guts to take any risks and not thinking for my daughter. I can’t change the situation now but every time I see a pregnant friend ( aged 40 or more) reminds me of the decision I made 2.5 years ago. Gives me the same pain . I feel about the road not taken and wonder why I was so pessimist at that time.
This month came to know of 3 such pregnancies in my knowns. Obviously when taking the decision, I had also taken them as an example of ppl having only 1 kids assuming they wont go for second in forties . Wrong assumption and too much of negative thinking that time!

Need help to come out of the guilt and live my normal life. Please help.

 

[deusvult92]

@ruhi The first thing I would like for you to ask yourself is, why do you feel like you have this guilt? Where do you think is the source?

Are you missing the baby days?

Do you feel you and your family are being judged for being small?

Are you comparing yourself to other people?

The one thing I have made sure to advocate for is for people never to decide to have a second child or more for the "benefit" of your first child. That decision needed to be 100% because you wanted one.

I say it that way because if your guilt is determined by "I wanted my daughter to have a friend" sentiment then I would argue you are simply shifting the burden of guilt on to your child. And that is not fair to them.

What if your second does have autism? Are you going to expect your oldest to drop everything to take care of them? give up important things in their life just for the sake of the sibling? even if they do not have any disabilities, Are you going to expect your oldest to babysit the youngest while you go about your own adventures? Are you going to shift a lot of responsibility to them because they are siblings?

how would that be fair to them?

These are the kind of questions you should ask yourself. Because I 100% understand if you come out to say that your guilt is purely because you wanted to be a mother to a baby again. That is all the reason you need and I would give you all the hugs in the world to support that loss and why you feel guilty.

However; if you were to say you are guilty because you wanted another for the sake of your daughter. I would give you the advice to pump the breaks and re-evaluate your feelings and would be glad you listened to your initial instincts.

 

[ruhi]

@deusvult92 Thank u so much.
Reviewing my feelings, these are purely triggered when I compare with my daughter’s classmates and frens who all have siblings - only 2 kids in her class are only children.
Thanks it helps as my mind wants to think in the way you have guided me atleast for now.

 

[ruhi]

@deusvult92 I also regret not planning , not trying when i was younger for baby number 2. How did i missit & how was i content ? And not now

 

[ruhi]

@deusvult92 When I see my daughter’s old pics of age 3 and I was still in thirties, why I didnt have this feeling . Now I only feel she will never be a sister.

 

[lovedaisies]

@ruhi That’s sounds like a really heavy burden to be carrying around and I think you should consider therapy to help you properly unpack your feelings.

Siblings are a mixed bag not necessarily a ‘gift’ to the oldest child. Some kids make fast friends, some kids are indifferent and some kids develop a negative relationship with their sibling. Imagine if you went through all the struggle and stress of having another child only for them to hate each other with a passion.

The big one here seems to be peer pressure - you seem really concerned with what other people have chosen to do. Remember everybody’s circumstances are unique, and what is right for them isn’t necessarily right for you. You’ve made decisions based on what you felt was right for you and your family with the information you had available and that’s really all you can do.

 

[ruhi]

@lovedaisies Yes I have been taking therapy for around 6-8 months including medication. It did help.
There are triggers but I am learning to face reality and accept my decision and current situation.
The 43 year old fren’s pregnancy news triggered me into a loop of thinking my decision at tgat time was wrong. Yes , you are correct that i was unable to decide at that time & was asking others ( frens, colleagues, doctors) what to do or decide for me that eventually I did not understand what I wanted.
Past is past , cant be changed.

Thanks for your response , helped me think to not compare. I will try & move forward in life. Thanks a lot for your support.

 

[chance11]

@ruhi To add to the “not all siblings are a gift” factor. My daughter has a half sibling on her other parents side. They do not get along and there is a TON of jealousy and resentment.

ETA removed a sentence

 

[katrina2017]

@ruhi The risks are higher over 40. I know it’s hard not to look at others and what they’re doing, but you made the best decision for you and your family at the time. And you never know there could have been, complications with you or baby, etc. I’m sure your daughter is going to have an amazing life even without a sibling. Although there is nothing wrong with having a Down syndrome child if that ended up being the case that probably would mean she would have to be caretaker for her sibling when you pass away someday and that can be hard as well.

 

[gogogo]

@ruhi This might be completely insane but have you considered fostering another child/ baby? If you have extra love to give and a family who would support you, it could be a beautiful thing.

 

[ruhi]

@gogogo Considered but could not