@activellc Oh my goodness you took the words right out of my mouth. The grief. This pain feels the same as when I’ve lost loved ones. It’s just as intense and all consuming. So sorry you are feeling this too. I hope we get our sweet boys home soon 
Got discharged today without my baby
- Thread starter 0lazuli0
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@0lazuli0 In a very similar situation. Perfect healthy pregnancy minus having poly. Delivered via C- section ( at 37+4 )which went very well. We got to see our son immediately when he came out but then as I was being stitched up the nurse said he looked like he was having trouble breathing so they took him to the nursery for observation, we thought nothing of it. I was moved to a postpartum recovery room and waiting with my husband for them to bring us our baby boy. They came back and told us he had been moved to the NICU and put on a CPAP of oxygen at 30%. This is when the fear set in and we had so many questions like how serious is this, how long will he be there, is it life-threatening? We were so devastated. We had high hopes the next day he would be back with us, but instead he was intubated. They said he had fluid in his lungs and RDS, and they started him on surfactant. By the following day they had done two doses, and his oxygen has gone up to 60% with low saturation, and he was transferred to another NICU. That same day I was discharged home and cried the entire drive. Leaving the hospital without a baby was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do and pulling in the drive way and seeing the stork in the yard with his name was so hard. We had big plans for having our family come to visit and our daughter meet him for the first time and it never got to happen. We are on day 5 of NICU and still have not held him. When he got to the new NICU they said it looks like he has PPHN, although not officially diagnosed they are treating him for it and started on 20ppms of Nitric, after 3 days on it he is now lowered to 4ppms of Nitric, 60% oxygen through intubation, and he is sedated on fentanyl for the most part.
Today is day 5, he has most of the fluid out of his lungs, 4 on Nitric and still on oxygen. I can’t stop guessing and thinking about when I can finally get him home and healthy. Postpartum is hard enough but it’s worse when you haven’t even held your baby. I hate all the pressure from social media people questioning why they haven’t seen a picture of him or know anything about him. I really want to protect his privacy and not share with everyone on social media his medical situation. Part of me wants to wait until he’s home and healthy before I share pictures of him online but then I can’t help but wonder if he’s there for several weeks or months.
Sorry for the long story, but I have spent the last 5 days on Reddit searching for a similar story to mine for comfort so I hope this may help someone.
Today is day 5, he has most of the fluid out of his lungs, 4 on Nitric and still on oxygen. I can’t stop guessing and thinking about when I can finally get him home and healthy. Postpartum is hard enough but it’s worse when you haven’t even held your baby. I hate all the pressure from social media people questioning why they haven’t seen a picture of him or know anything about him. I really want to protect his privacy and not share with everyone on social media his medical situation. Part of me wants to wait until he’s home and healthy before I share pictures of him online but then I can’t help but wonder if he’s there for several weeks or months.
Sorry for the long story, but I have spent the last 5 days on Reddit searching for a similar story to mine for comfort so I hope this may help someone.
@allen89 Oh mama. I’m so sorry you relate. I’m so sorry you haven’t gotten to hold your sweet baby. Our’s was put on CPAP directly after my section and was in nicu for 2 hours before they brought him to me. That was excruciating enough so I can’t even imagine your pain. We just finished up day 6 of nicu and got the news this morning that his name was going on the list for transfer which will be later this week pending insurance approval (America is maddening). We still have no answers to what is causing this. Leaving without our babies is the most unnatural thing a mother can feel. It’s unbearable and I cry all the time. The grief is just unreal. Everyone keeps saying this will be a distant memory one day but I can hardly see how that’s true. These emotions are too big to ever forget. I hope your baby boy turns the corner soon and you get your well deserved cuddle session. This isn’t a club I thought I’d ever be a part of but we are here for eachother. 
@allen89 To add: I also haven’t shared anything on social media. It’s no one’s business and I need privacy to deal with my own emotions. I can hardly bare the few people that do know texting and asking for updates. I haven’t even told my closest friends from work. It’s too much to explain in a social media post or constant text messages. It’s overwhelming enough to live it.