Freshman and bad grades

[sandgroper101]

Just checked our sons Google classroom and he has an F in Spanish, D in English, and a D in Math. He is dangerously close to dropping below a 2.0.

He seems to be happy overall. We always ask how school is going and he says fine and never asks for any help. His teachers have never notified us regarding missing assignments or poor grades. We attended back to school night in person and none of the teachers said anything.

He participated in cross country and marching band and seemed to be enjoying everything about high school. His band is going to Disney World for a week in April and at the beginning of the school year we said any Ds automatically disqualify him from the trip, below a 2.0 will DQ him per school rules. We also just learned that he doesn’t know how to play most of the band songs, which apparently he has been faking all semester. They have individual tests this Friday. If he doesn’t go on the trip we are out the $250 deposit, which I said he would owe me.

We already booked a trip to Kauai for the summer and the flights are non refundable. I told him if he is required to attend summer school then we will go on the trip without him and he will owe me $500 for the flight.

Not sure how to keep him motivated if he loses the school trip, family vacation, and is required to retake the class with an F or attend summer school. Plus the fact that he will owe me $750.
I have taken away his Xbox, cancelled our TV service, and disabled all apps and internet from his phone.

 

[elephas]

@sandgroper101 Maybe I missed it, so pardon me if you’ve addressed this, but did you try helping him or offering other options (tutoring, making sure he does homework/study, etc.) before taking everything away?

 

[sandgroper101]

@elephas That’s part of the reason to take things away. If he has access to video games, apps, etc he will do that instead of the school work. He is home alone from 330-530 every day. The school has free tutoring so we are looking into that so he can attend on campus right after school. We are going to look into other tutoring as well.

 

[elephas]

@sandgroper101 Just my two cents: I wouldn’t take everything away, especially since he likes video games, etc so much. I’d also not put any financial stress on him.

Part of being motivated is having hope and being rewarded. If it’s all work and no play, it’s very easy to say screw it im not doing this.

Instead, if it were me, I’d sit down and see if I can get to the root of the issue. I’d make an action plan with quantifiable metrics so he knows exactly what it would take to “succeed”. For example, getting Bs, turning in all homework, attending all tutoring sessions, etc. And if he does that, he can spend his free time however he chooses. That way there’s a balance of work to play and he’d be motivated to have that free time.

 

[ora]

@sandgroper101 Your son is new to high school and you're new to parenting a high schooler. Neither of you are doing well. High school teachers will not contact parents when students do poorly in the classroom. This is why Google classroom exists. I suggest checking daily so you can track assigned work, scheduled exams, and progress. Why would you punish your son when he's struggling? Why would you be mad about that? Support him, help guide him to success. You're an adult with years of experience. Use your experience and knowledge to right the ship.

 

[miguel1]

@sandgroper101 He’s struggling - he doesn’t need punishment, he needs help.

Start with sitting down with his school advisor. My son struggled for the first time in his academic life his freshman year too. We were shocked when we saw his grades as he had also not been expressing concerns and we had never had any issues in the past with him performing well.

His advisor was great in asking him and us (parents) great questions to get a game plan together and where he needed support. He is a senior now and just did an online course for a class he failed his freshman year - that was part of our game plan. Which classes he could move around, take on line, when to retake, changecourse schedule for following semester etc. we also uncovered he was suffering with undiagnosed adhd. Always a very well behaved, respectful kid with no big red flags and no one noticed all the signs - getting to high school when course work becomes harder he got himself behind and didn’t know how to get himself out & thought he could handle it on his own & really to embarrassed to say he was struggling. Getting him the support he needed was a game changer.

 

[godfollowerchristlover]

@sandgroper101 I don't have any answers. Struggling with similar things with my sophomore but he doesn't even have any extracurriculars like yours. He did get formally diagnosed with ADHD Inattentive type with slow processing speed last year. We've set him up with weekly meetings with an Executive Functioning Coach who helps him prioritize his homework. He's still failing one class and getting a C-, D+, and B- in the other 3 classes, all the low grades are due to undone work.

Only thing I would caution against is getting your son so far in the hole that he feels he could never get out and just gives up entirely. I say keep your word about the band trip, especially since he didn't even memorize the songs. Does he have a way to earn money to pay you back for the deposits? Maybe he pays you back for the band deposit but not the family trip. I'm also hesitant to keep a kid from a family vacation, he needs better bonds with his family not less. Summer school in our area is not the entire summer, it's usually just a month. Do you know what the dates would be? Is he on a semester schedule with 4 classes in fall and a different 4 classes in spring? So if he failed English this semester he could retake it next semester and give up an elective like band? I'd try that before summer school.

Good luck!

 

[sandgroper101]

@godfollowerchristlover We had home checked for ADHD last spring through tour health provider because he was not focusing at school. They said he is not even close to having it and defined him as a lazy kid. He has been caught playing video games in class on the school chromebook. He can retake the classes but it would mean that fun electives like band would not be allowed. California requires two years of foreign language for high school students. He went to dual immersion grade and middle schools so 9yrs of total Spanish, which means Spanish 2 should be easy.

He has no job right now so no way of paying us back.

 

[miguel1]

@sandgroper101 I’ve never heard of a health care provider diagnosing a child as “a lazy kid”. They may rule out ADHD but will seek to find what he’s struggling with - video gaming creates an immediate dopamine response. Often kids (& adults) struggling with a learning disability, mental/social issues, etc will rely on the dopamine response of gaming/screen time. What type of doctor assessed him? You mentioned dyslexia for you - if one parent has it there’s a 50-60% chance he does too. There’s many types of dyslexia that would make traditional learning difficult and more challenging. You should demand his school (is he public, if so this will be easy?) to do a full evaluation for learning disabilities. With what his grades are this should be easy. Also, anxiety/depression/other mental health concerns will rely on the dopamine response of gaming. Did you see a pediatric neurologist or a general MD? Being “lazy” is a symptom of something bigger going on. He’s a child, can’t see it, recognize it or even know how to verbalize it. The gaming gives him a release and positive response. I would encourage a full evaluation by the school and an outside educational therapist. If you have the financial means, research one in your area and get him in. The provider will have you (parents) fill out an extensive form for background information, he will and a teacher will.

ETA: high intellect often is coupled with disorders/challenges. Just do quick research on disorders associated with high intellect. Read through them - he’s clearly struggling at school despite his intellect. He likely is feeling even more down on himself if you’re calling him lazy, he likely is already feeling low for not performing academically whether he’s saying that or not - he needs help, support and guidance on how to manage it.

 

[sandgroper101]

@miguel1 We tried to get evaluations through the school and they claimed to be short staffed because of covid.

I don’t remember the specific doctors but we have Kaiser so we started with general MD, referred to a specialist that deals with ADHD. He took a test, we filled out questionnaires based on points, and three teachers filled out questionnaires that were based on a point scale. All the scores were negative for ADHD. He also saw a therapist for about 6 months to see if there was an underlying issue. The therapist also suggested that he was not trying his hardest and blamed the failure of public schools especially during and after covid.

The teachers all said that he was a really smart kid but he would get distracted with the games on the school issues Chromebook or from other kids.

Even though he was on the cross country team he would try hard in practice maybe two days a week then slack on the other days. He didn’t really improve over the season.

 

[michaelo]

@sandgroper101 My perspective is different, as I have a high achiever. And I also have a kid with learning disabilities - so his grades suck sometimes because he lacks the ability, but even so, we work with him in motivation:

Things that I would suggest:

1) sit down with him every evening, and just go through each class and ask the following: What did you do today? Show me the notes or the activity. What is your next assignment? When is your next test here? Gradually, you are hoping to establish these habits — which he can do on his own, as he advances to higher grades. Tutors are another option.

2) set a goal of if he really wants to do band? Does he? Or does just like those friends? If he really likes band, consider getting him a music coach/tutor, to help with that, and if is agreeable, set up a reminder to practice a couple times a week.

3) have 100’s of ongoing discussions about what he wants life to look like this year, next year, and even after high school? Encourage him to research or at least think about like what happens if he gets D’s and F’s in school. Pose questions about if he wants to work instead? Does he just want to live in his room for the next decade?

Also, I am not opposed to taking away games and screens, but feel like you do, it’s a poor long-term solution, as these are life skills that he really has to learn to regulate himself in 4 years time — and that’s not much time at all! And even if you can make life miserable enough, that he pulls up his grades, it is not solving the initial issue of motivation. And there is a small risk he will just start resenting you, and the relationship can fracture to beyond repair, depending on how strict you are the kid’s temperament.

We tell our boys/kids all the time, that they are in charge of their life — we talk about job options, what things cost, what girls/future partners look for, the pros of college & the grades you need for college or grade schools, or how challenging it is to start your own business. We talk about how much their clothes & food costs, and how many hours they would have worked at $15/hr to buy that. We also try to talk a lot about just being curious about the world and not wasting life being a dumbass — and yes even using this word and show videos of stupid people, to highlight — do you really want to know so little about the world, that you are a fool? And our kids are pretty curious…

Good luck!!

 

[sandgroper101]

@michaelo I am dyslexic myself and struggled through high school and never graduated college because of it. However I found my own niche and have a very successful career and make a good salary.

That’s the frustrating part is that my son is actually really smart but he has chosen to not do well. Especially when he was warned about not going on the band trip if he wound up with a D.

 

[joshuaaa]

@sandgroper101 I had to re-read this several times because the way you phrased it it sounds like he's off in college or going to school far away from you. It sounds like you're very unengaged in his life and you're just now finding out what's been going on right in front of you the entire time.

Teens are not going to ask for help. But his grades are a cry for help.

He doesn't need punishment, he needs parents who are a part of his life.

I mean, your entire post is about you, you, and you. Your money, your vacation, your wants.

While I got decent grades in High School, I hated every second of it. Largy because it seems like it was only for my mother's benefit and not mine.

You also have to look at the bigger picture. Teens are not stupid. They see the news. College debt crisis. Enron-like scandals. AI replacing jobs. Old careers falling away.

High school seems pretty trivial when the news of the day is telling you you won't have a job or career waiting for you upon graduation and college just means a life time of debt that will prevent you from living your best life.

So yes, where is his motivation? It's likely being sucked away by the news. While being stuck in a school system that is still teaching people the same way they did 50 years ago.

For my teen, we had to have various long (and painful) talks about what he was interested in And we had to finally say, look you don't have to pick a career now but you need to at least go in a direction, any direction, so you're not starting from the bottom once you decide what you might like to do. That helped a lot.

 

[floodland]

@sandgroper101 Parents need to backoff sometimes. I, too, have a teen. I feel that all of the pressure to succeed in .. well everything even school, can be such a high expectation. In high school, let them suffer their own consequence. Even if they fail. Please look up the best teenager advice therapists "Aly Pain" or "Dr Lucie Hamman" on TikTok or YouTube. They have the best tips for parenting a teen. It will change your life.

 

[sandgroper101]

@floodland Thanks

 

[coffeeinseattle]

@sandgroper101 I also have a struggling freshman. He is diagnosed with ADHD and is also in band. When he was struggling toward the end of the first quarter we had a 504 revision and met with a teacher and 504 coordinator. He did improve for a bit but is now doing even worse. He gets obsessed with his computer games and will ignore everything else. We had time limits set but he disabled those so when it came out that he is now failing two classes and on the verge of failing another we pulled the plug. Not necessarily as punishment but rather to remove a massive distraction. We have the same situation with a band trip but we have about a grand on the line. It is very frustrating. We told him yesterday that we will now have daily check- ins. His bad grades are a compilation of not turning in work, not finishing work and poor test scores. We have tried to get him to attend tutoring, have offered to help him study, and are trying in any way to accommodate him help wise. We have tried to stress to him that all of our intervention is because we care about him and want him to have as many future options as possible and that is why we want him to do well. At least pass. I don't have any advice, I just sympathize.

 

[sandgroper101]

@coffeeinseattle Sounds like they could be twins

 

[choiceschangedestiny]

@sandgroper101 Extracurriculars need to stop. Explain he will have a 5+ year high school career at this point even without the band and cross country. It will go longer if he continues the band and cross country.

Contact the educational counselor, resource specialist, or other helping office to discuss in school evaluation for academic intervention, with the goal being to establish a 504 or IEP.

He needs a class period in school for "study skills" which is supervised by the teacher to attempt to make him do the work.

You need to determine if there is an academic gap - he just doesn't understand the classwork - or whether it's genuinely just that he's 'lazy' or 'unmotivated'.

Get a second opinion on medical evaluation. Get referred to a developmental pediatric psychologist, who is one of the only qualified to administer all the tests to determine if there is ADHD, Autism, etc.

If you have money for trips and Xbox and such, then there is money for outside assistance. Hire a tutor. Someone to directly supervise him - make him do the work.

Don't let him do the homework behind a closed bedroom door. Kitchen table, or living room and get a long HDMI cable, and put his laptop screen up on the TV. That way you'll know if he is screwing around instead of doing the work.

You will need to just eat the costs - money doesn't mean anything to a kid with no income. He can't get a job if he can't pass class. His full time job is school, until he demonstrates he can do extras.

It's tough love, but you have to address the root cause in order to change the behavior. If carrots of extracurriculars and fancy travel don't work, and sticks of owing money, losing toys and privileges, and missing out on family vacations don't work, then stop threatening them.

Either that, or step back and watch him fail, and let him suffer the consequences. Maybe he needs skin in the game in order to take the threats to his future seriously. But it's a long term consequence, and you have to long term refrain from swooping in to rescue him.

So decide which direction you want to take it.

 

[db9]

@sandgroper101 Help him now before he’s a senior. Find what works for this new version your kid is becoming. Stress does not help our children thrive, it keeps them compliant in order to get what they want. Do you want compliance or a child who can advocate? Teach him now you are on his side, nothing else matters. PS fuck homework.

Edit-Also charging a 14/15 year old kid 500 bucks for a trip you wanted to take him on? Yikes. Kid is probably just wracked with fear and failure….self esteem is reallllly really really important right now. Consequences must fit the age.

 

[ellamoni]

@sandgroper101 DONT LEAVE HIM OUT OF THE TRIP!
Three reasons:

1 most summer school is online now and self-paced. He can do it when he gets back. This happened to me. My kids failed a couple of classes and their father took them to Hawaii the first time and Cancun the second time, they both passed their classes.​

2 this is the most important. As a freshman, he doesn’t mind spending time with you. In about 10th grade, they can’t think of anything worse than being with their parents. It’s a natural part of growing up, but as a parent, you sure do miss those days. I say, take advantage of these fleeting moments and enjoy the uninterrupted time with your son on a very nice family trip. Pretty soon he’ll be adult with his own life, gf, job, college, friends, etc. you’ll be excited to just get a phone call or a text​

I have a 15-year-old and an 18-year-old, and I almost never get to spend time with them.

3 making him miss the trip won’t make him improve his grades, it will just make him resentful of you.​