For those of you who had options, what made you pick the SAHP life?

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hew0007

New member
I am in a predicament. I realize the sub will have bias but I am looking for perspective and maybe some guidance.

I was a WFH SAHP for about 2 years with my son. It was very stressful at times and definitely not sustainable, I wouldn’t recommend it. But it was COVID, and between health concerns and a desire for stimulation it made sense at the time. I returned to work about 1.5years ago and son (now 3) is doing great in full time daycare. I’ve since had a second child (7m), who just started daycare 2 weeks ago. He’s doing great, and everyone loves him. I trust the daycare and the teachers.

All that said, I hate that I’m not home with my kids. Especially the baby who seems so impossibly little and really is an absolute joy to be around. Now to the work predicament..

I am an academic, and for the most part I like my job. I’m also actively interviewing for a tenure track faculty position in my university, and I believe I have a very good chance. This would mean a decent bump in pay, and likely earning tenure in 6 years. This is what I wanted for my career and is everything I’ve worked for, and by some miracle also convenient because I wouldn’t need to relocate.

But in 6 years my baby will be starting kindergarten, my son will be in 3rd grade. I’ll have reached true job security and a bit of prestige OR I’d be reentering the workforce as an out of touch PhD. I’m so torn. I’m very fortunate to have options. If this new job wasn’t on the table I would quit and keep both kids home. But it is, and it’s a “stars have aligned once in a lifetime” kind of opportunity.

Anyways, thanks if you’ve read this far. If you were in a similar position of leaving a career opportunity (or thinking about it for any lurkers) I would love to hear your story.
 
@hew0007 I had just established my career when I had my kids. I never thought I’d be a SAHP. But my whole perspective shifted when my daughter was born. Having one parent at home has immensely benefited our family. My partner has excelled in his career. We enjoy home cooked meals multiple times a day. If a kid is sick, it’s not a logistical nightmare. It is not my intention to do this forever, but with two small kids it was the right choice for us in the early years and although I struggled, it was worth it.

I will return to work, and least part time, when I am forty. That will give me twenty-five years to work. That seems like plenty.
 
@joshuahello Maybe you can explain it? My impression is that it's a personal decision, not a philosophy you expect other people to adhere to.

Also your whole "I know but I want to see if you know" thing is really condescending. Was that necessary? Why can't moms just be nice to each other?
 
@katrina2017 For what it's worth, I'm also a traditional wife and mama and I couldn't be happier. It's giving me the ick that people are downvoting you, like I must be missing something!

(Like you're not a feminist if you don't want women to have a choice)
 
@ethan46 The term 'tradwife' is pretty loaded. It's often used by hard right conservatives who expect women to pop out babies, do all the childcare, housekeeping and look pretty while doing it. Meanwhile, the men are expected to bring home a paycheck and that's it.

My family falls into traditional gender roles-- my husband brings home a paycheck and I'm very happy being a stay at home parent! I'm borderline disabled so my husband does all the physical labor and I handle the vast majority of the mental load. He's really good at math and economics, so he handles the finances while I spearhead education for the kids.

All that said, I would never refer to myself as a 'tradwife' because it is tied to a specific hard-right extremist view of women and men with which I do not agree. That is the cause of the downvotes.
 
@ethan46 Like I get the downvotes. I am bombarded with trad wife content on Instagram, and they're a different breed. Extremely judgemental and furthest thing from Christian. My husband and I have somewhat traditional roles as well, but I would not want to be lumped in with these modern trad wives.
 
@loreec Haha, possibly!! I love my tradlife very much. I'm super grateful for my loving husband that provides for our family as I care for our baby, and our home. ❤️
 
@hew0007 Typically I’d recommend if someone wants to be or try SAHP and has means to do so, then go for it! I think people that choose SAHP overall love it, has very hard days, but it’s a rewarding a special opportunity. I see more people unhappy with SAHP when it’s forced and not their choice. But as I also know academia you probably will never get a chance like this again, so I think you need to be 100% sure so you don’t end up resenting giving up that once and lifetime job path. If you did stay home and wanted to go back into your field when kids were older what would you or could you do? Only you can know which you would really enjoy or possible regret missing out. Also does your academic job allow for sabbaticals or longer breaks when students are off? Perhaps you could try to use those times to get some SAHP time in.
 
@kristajunee Thanks for your thoughts. That's my main trouble, I don't think there is a 100% sure route because I'll always wonder 'what if' either way. And while the job allows for a lot of flexibility in my schedule, the expectations during tenure track are pretty high I don't think that I could realistically juggle keeping 2 littles home while trying to be productive during those longer breaks. It's a blessing to have options but UGH it makes it very difficult!
 
@hew0007 I was a lawyer, had my first and decided to stay home when I found out I was pregnant with my second. I could never find that magic “work/life balance” everyone talked about. I felt like I was just constantly failing at both. I love being a SAHM. It’s exhausting and insanely busy but the hours I used to devote to writing motion papers, are now spent with my kids and it’s infinitely more rewarding. Most of my friends are working moms by choice and claim they’d be too bored to do what I do. Which might be true! But I’ve picked up a bunch of new hobbies (baking, crochet, puzzles, gardening) which all just happen to be things I can do with one and/or all of the kids. And my mental health has improved by leaps and bounds which helps me be a much better mom and wouldn’t have been possible if I were still in practicing law.

We’re incredibly privileged to have a choice but it is a hard one. Only you know what’s best for you and your family. And the nice thing is, it’s really never too late to change your mind.
 
@hew0007 You are in a difficult spot! I wish you luck in your decision. Maybe it’s not a case a being 100% sure but what would you regret more? Being a SAHP I’d lean to doing tenure track in your case. I didn’t have my dream job track so when or if I go back to work I’ll be able to do something that makes me just as happy or more.
 
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