Feeling low

[topazio]

Hi to all! I have a 14 month old son. He is healthy and thriving and I feel a little petty for bringing up this issue especially in the tough times we are experiencing in the world Now (war). But I stay at home with him, do contact naps, breastfeeding on demand (and not quitting until he decides so), playing with him, taking him to the park everyday, making his meals, etc etc. I also cosleep with him and he wakes up between two to three times every night. Sometimes when he is sick he cannot sleep and I stay awake with him
Giving him love and cuddles. I also don’t believe in spanking and I have NEVeR lost my patience with him. Maybe once or twice I shouted at him
Because he was going to “eat”
Something dangerous so I did it by instinct in case I couldn’t reach to him physically first. I prevented it from
Happening both times. I try to make him laugh and we have “jokes” and silly things that make us laugh together that I made up while playing with him. I also sing songs to him and I have made some songs (lyrics and music) specially for him.
He is very social and loves me very much. All good, isn’t it? Let’s talk about his dad. My husband. He doesn’t prepare any of his meals, he believes in spanking and being angry at children for punishment, he doesn’t sleep with Us, do not believe in it, do not do contact naps, don’t take him to the park, don’t buy him toys, don’t breastfeed him, he does play with hIm a little but only on some days and for a short time.
If I leave our son with him (I never do it maybe once every month or two months) he (husband) goes quickly to my in-laws home with the baby so his parents help him during the hours I am out. And then the grandparents feed my son and prepare his meals. They also entertain him and my husband does the bare minimum
Well now the fact that I feel low for. Despite of me putting into practice the attachment parenting and my husband not, our son seems to prefer being with him except for breastfeeding before sleeping or napping. It is killing me that on the weekends if we go for a walk he only wants daddy’s arms and looks away from me if I smile and try to reach to him. Am I doing something wrong? I don’t want him to reject his father but
Shouldn’t be the primary caregiver the one he prefers ? I wonder if all the effort I am putting into raising him is “wrong” and I should take him to crèche and go to work and let him sleep alone as my husband does

 

[kira23]

@topazio You’re the boring parent to your son, and that’s a great thing. You are the dependable, safe adult who he can always count on and take for granted. Your husband is exciting because he’s not always around and because his attention is more conditional. It’s hard to be the boring parent, but the fact that you are shows that you’re doing everything right.

 

[jamie113]

@topazio Sounds to me like he is yearning for more time with Dad than he gets. I think you're seeing him feeling clingy towards him because of it.

 

[beetx]

@topazio To be honest at 14mo the I found my daughter goes in and out of phases of loving me then loving dad. She's now 18 months and loves me at the moment. It's on and of and a good thing. Then some nights she's all Daddy love me, play with me.
My sister and mum both explained to me children adapt easily to others, everybody does things differently. It's kinda like watching how they are trying to develop Thier communication with others besides mum. My daughter will take her dad or her grandparents to the fridge now when she's hungry.

The reality is all the work we put in shows with how secure they feel forming other bonds so it is actually a very positive sign. While it can also be heart breaking because we spend alot of energy investing it in our small ones is taken for granted. The hardest thing is letting the little ones adapt to new situations and it is always changing. Every new step we take I found myself rort with fear I had to learn to step back, review and assess whether it positive or negative. I found most of my fears were personal not a reflection of the situation itself.

I would though sit down with your hubby and talk about the spanking there are studies online now that this very acceptable behaviour management prior 1990s was a very acceptable practice! Has now been proven to cause behavioural issues. So it is worth sitting down and talking about what you both agree will be acceptable to handle difficult situations. Largely from what I've seen it is our responsibility to handle our anger not our child's. So finding out what works both for you is very important exspecially later on.

My partner aswell relied on his mum in the earlier stages aswell and I started to see this as it's good for bubs to get to know thier grandparents. The hardest thing is learning to let go everytime.

There are other times I've been very firm like my father buying hungry jacks and offering our daughter the food, which I had a firm no to. ( I always pack food for my daughter regardless who she's with) But the bond between grandparents is special and there are still things we need to be able to talk to whether it be our partner or grandparents methods and respect and understanding for what we do aswell.

Hardest thing being a mum is learning to let go and just enjoying it, be proud your doing such a great job and your son is secure and happy and wants to expand his world and understand it and you've created a profoundly positive experience for him to start to understand the world from.

 

[topazio]

@beetx Thank you, he is a very secure child and very brave . I see it in the park, he is not shy of approaching children and always smile at them. Other children even get scared of him being so nice haha so I see your point . My husband believes in spanking bu does not do it with our child since I have talked him out of it. I mentioned it in my post because it is a sign that he is not pro attached parenting style

 

[beetx]

@topazio It's a difficult journey into motherhood. I don't think anything can prepare you for the full extent of emotions that arise or the responsibility that comes with it. Also the lack of acknowledgment! But what I realised was it's not how our children are but the profound progress is really in the long term in thier development and and growth. As long as we stay strong and model good behaviour to they will value this later down the road aswell.our greatest gift is our nurturing, care and love we put in to it.

Haha my partner isn't either into attachment parenting either, its challenging.

 

[ukpatco]

@topazio I agree with other posters.

I also just want to empathize and say it does feel hard.

My oldest is almost 4 and started preferring his dad around 2.5. It has increased over time. It’s great. I love he loves his dad. I know a lot of it is I am safe and always there. It still feels sad to me sometimes.

 

[starrfairy]

@topazio First of all, the attachment parenting aspects we do are for our kids' sakes, not so they can validate us. There are still going to be times when our kids are mad at us, prefer someone/something else, or just act like the rude, still-learning people they are. As parents, we need to grow a bit of a thick skin and realize it's not personal. The good news is, that I have found that the attachment bond helps navigate the challenging things later. It's why my teens still like hanging out with the family (though not all the time), come to us for advice and support, etc.

Second, KIDS ACT THE WORST WITH THE PEOPLE THEY FEEL SAFE WITH. Your kid knows you show him unconditional love, so he doesn't need to work for your attention/love/approval. It sucks in the moment when our kids are unleashing all the hurt and ugly feelings they have stored up in our direction, but it really is a great thing.

Third, even when both parents have healthy, bonded relationships with their kids from the beginning, a child might have a marked preference for one parent or another as toddlers. My oldest had a marked preference for me, but I kind of did most of the night time parenting, etc. by default. With number two, we split the care a bit more evenly, and baby had a good bond with both of us, but when tired or cranky preferred me, but would also be happy with dad. Number three as a toddler was a complete daddy's boy. He would run straight past my open arms so he could scream in front of the home office door for his dad. Since it was number 3, and a little bit of relief to not be the "on" parent all the time, I was able to laugh about this. But as it went on for awhile, I admit there was still a bit of a sting when the kid refused my comfort when I was *right there* and would go to great lengths to find Dad instead.

To sum up, you're not doing anything wrong in regards to how you parent your son.

This wasn't your question, but I do suggest some serious marriage counseling to see if you and Dad can work things out, because that dynamic isn't very healthy. You're basically a single parent, and Dad is playing more of the role of "fun uncle" than parent. (Caveat: marriage counseling with a narcissist or emotional abuser only furthers the abuse and prolongs the agony. Please do a little research about narcissism and see if anything rings true for you. If it does, get your own individual therapist.)

 

[ozd]

@topazio He isn’t preferring dad, he’s vying for his care and attention. It’s not a good thing.

 

[jermaineman]

@topazio Why did you have a child without discussing parenting styles? This is the reason you're having an issue now. If you had found out hubs believed in spanking you could have made different choices.

Get in to parenting classes together and get on the same page. If you cannot... Your life will be continual conflict.