Feeling conflicted - am I a b***h?

[jamespyles]

My (F25) fiancé (M28) and I have been TTC #1 unsuccessfully for 9 months now (I appreciate not a huge amount of time compared to some people, but it feels quite long for us). It has really affected me and I am really struggling mentally with it all. My sister-in-law and her partner are going through infertility, her AMH is really low (like, she maybe has months left) and his DNA fragmentation is really high. They are currently trying IVF, she has had 1 egg retrieval which returned only 3 and they were all non-viable. Now trying again and if they do manage to get some viable eggs, they will try to initiate the whole process right away. I desperately want it to work out for them, they really deserve it.
...
I'm just concerned about how it will affect me if they do get pregnant. It sounds so selfish and terrible, but we are all really close and I know they will be very public with it, as they should be - they have been through so much. But I honestly don't know how I will cope. I feel so fragile, I am also undergoing investigations for endometriosis and trying to do a masters in nursing but I just feel like I cannot deal with another person in my immediate life that is pregnant/ a new parent.

I sound awful, I actually sound so selfish but I just hope maybe someone can tell me how to cope, I don't know what else I can do.

 

[tranikamarie]

@jamespyles You aren’t a bitch, for one.

Feeling both happy for someone else and miserable for yourself is normal and unfortunately feels like a huge part of this whole shitty process a lot

I don’t have good advice on how to cope if they do conceive but I’m sure people here will have advice. But don’t beat yourself up for your feelings!

 

[jamespyles]

@tranikamarie Thank you! That's kind of you to say! Such a rollercoaster

 

[bobrobyn]

@jamespyles My SIL lost a 3rd trimester pregnancy last fall. She just announced that she is expecting again. While I am happy for them, I am also sad that I am not pregnant. We started trying two years before them and she has gotten pregnant each time on the first cycle. We just got through our first round of ivf and have not gotten to transfer anything yet.

You can both be happy for them and sad for yourself. It is such a strange process and is incredibly isolating. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Let yourself be upset and cry/scream and whatever it is you need to do to cope.

 

[jamespyles]

@bobrobyn It's so complex, I'm sorry that you are struggling TC but sending you positive thoughts and I really hope it works out for you! and thank you, this whole thing is such a nightmare!

 

[wgmn]

@jamespyles I see 0 selfishness. Having a hard time and knowing it might get harder for you are all reasonable feelings. Feel them. If you are all really close than they will also be supportive of you, just like you are of them. If you find yourself needing to take a step back from contact let them know. Sounds like they might understand your struggles themselves.

I would say to cope, don't dismiss your feelings. Find those who share your experiences and connect with them. And try and find something peaceful to turn to when you need it.

 

[jamespyles]

@wgmn Thank you, that is so true! Feel so conflicted over my own feelings - so hard to process them - everyone seems to be having babies at the moment! Think I will be taking a social media break soon!

 

[joesphd]

@jamespyles My sister is pregnant with her oopsie baby. I'm going to be honest, those first few weeks were fucking brutal. I wasn't sure I would survive the heartache. But then...you just do, because there's no other choice. I still don't really 'handle' it well, but I don't feel like the world is ending anymore. I've been very open with her. I've told her that I just need some space because it's too hard. If they love you, they will understand. My sister has actually been wonderful about letting me exactly as involved and I want to be each day.

That said, I know its hard, but try not to drive yourself crazy with hypotheticals. It just isn't productive. Also, I'm guessing your sister in law is going equally crazy with hypothetical situations where you get pregnant first.

I've also found journaling helps me A LOT.

Hang in there, friend.