Feeling conflicted - am I a b***h?

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jamespyles

New member
My (F25) fiancé (M28) and I have been TTC #1 unsuccessfully for 9 months now (I appreciate not a huge amount of time compared to some people, but it feels quite long for us). It has really affected me and I am really struggling mentally with it all. My sister-in-law and her partner are going through infertility, her AMH is really low (like, she maybe has months left) and his DNA fragmentation is really high. They are currently trying IVF, she has had 1 egg retrieval which returned only 3 and they were all non-viable. Now trying again and if they do manage to get some viable eggs, they will try to initiate the whole process right away. I desperately want it to work out for them, they really deserve it.
...
I'm just concerned about how it will affect me if they do get pregnant. It sounds so selfish and terrible, but we are all really close and I know they will be very public with it, as they should be - they have been through so much. But I honestly don't know how I will cope. I feel so fragile, I am also undergoing investigations for endometriosis and trying to do a masters in nursing but I just feel like I cannot deal with another person in my immediate life that is pregnant/ a new parent.

I sound awful, I actually sound so selfish but I just hope maybe someone can tell me how to cope, I don't know what else I can do.
 
@jamespyles You aren’t a bitch, for one.

Feeling both happy for someone else and miserable for yourself is normal and unfortunately feels like a huge part of this whole shitty process a lot

I don’t have good advice on how to cope if they do conceive but I’m sure people here will have advice. But don’t beat yourself up for your feelings!
 
@jamespyles My SIL lost a 3rd trimester pregnancy last fall. She just announced that she is expecting again. While I am happy for them, I am also sad that I am not pregnant. We started trying two years before them and she has gotten pregnant each time on the first cycle. We just got through our first round of ivf and have not gotten to transfer anything yet.

You can both be happy for them and sad for yourself. It is such a strange process and is incredibly isolating. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Let yourself be upset and cry/scream and whatever it is you need to do to cope.
 
@bobrobyn It's so complex, I'm sorry that you are struggling TC but sending you positive thoughts and I really hope it works out for you! 😊 and thank you, this whole thing is such a nightmare!
 
@jamespyles I see 0 selfishness. Having a hard time and knowing it might get harder for you are all reasonable feelings. Feel them. If you are all really close than they will also be supportive of you, just like you are of them. If you find yourself needing to take a step back from contact let them know. Sounds like they might understand your struggles themselves.

I would say to cope, don't dismiss your feelings. Find those who share your experiences and connect with them. And try and find something peaceful to turn to when you need it.
 
@wgmn Thank you, that is so true! Feel so conflicted over my own feelings - so hard to process them - everyone seems to be having babies at the moment! Think I will be taking a social media break soon! 😂😬
 
@jamespyles My sister is pregnant with her oopsie baby. I'm going to be honest, those first few weeks were fucking brutal. I wasn't sure I would survive the heartache. But then...you just do, because there's no other choice. I still don't really 'handle' it well, but I don't feel like the world is ending anymore. I've been very open with her. I've told her that I just need some space because it's too hard. If they love you, they will understand. My sister has actually been wonderful about letting me exactly as involved and I want to be each day.

That said, I know its hard, but try not to drive yourself crazy with hypotheticals. It just isn't productive. Also, I'm guessing your sister in law is going equally crazy with hypothetical situations where you get pregnant first.

I've also found journaling helps me A LOT.

Hang in there, friend.
 
@joesphd That's the thing - people come out of this so resilient - they literally told us at the beginning of our nursing course that we would build a lot of resilience- I had just hoped it would only be in my professional course 😂 I have started a bullet journal! It is very therapeutic 😊
 
@jamespyles You're not a bitch!
If anything you sound like a compassionate and loving person, who wants the best for the people they love while going through a difficult and complicated time.
 
@jamespyles I think it's completely valid to be worried about your reaction, but you may be able to spin this in a positive direction for yourself. You explained how their situation is very stressful and it does sound very challenging to be going through your own issues while they are also struggling, but I honestly think the more I hear about someone's positive test after a struggle, I tend to feel a bit lighter? Especially if it's someone close to me. Obviously it will still be hard at times, but I like to see any light where I can. ♥️

I would recommend though if updates are harder for you to deal with, you could mute them or anyone else you know who's currently pregnant on social media feeds and that might help you a little bit, I've started to do that myself.
 
@aiyacha I actually 100% know what you mean! I just think for me I wish I knew if our struggles were endo-related or otherwise, the ambiguity is killing me!
I'm definitely muting my social media, trying to cut down to eventually nothing with regard to that anyway which is working well! 😊
 
@jamespyles Considering your own feelings never makes you selfish. The fact you're considering their emotions and your emotions at the same time is a testament to your caring.

My partner and I struggled for 5 years of infertility. While our families and friends became pregnant around us, I saw my partner change from incredibly happy with each announcement, to dejected, all the way to depression and anger.

How did we cope? Setting boundaries and sharing our experiences - especially with the support systems that are shared between each. For example, my SIL also became pregnant while trying to prevent pregnancy which kicked my partner in my throat. We do our best to support her, but if it ever gets overwhelming we take a step back and regroup with our favourite things.

I'm wishing you and your success on your journey.
 
@curioust That is such good advice! I'm just worried we'll miss out on precious time with family babies from trying to create space and boundaries! So hard, I adore babies - actually where I want to work in nursing when I qualify but it's just so hard to engage with them when faced with the reality we might struggle to have our own, especially in the family and not professionally. I hope everything works out for you! 😊
 
@jamespyles It’s ok to be upset for yourself if it works out for her. I lost a full term pregnancy. 6 months later I had my first iui. My sister in law then told me she was pregnant. I was happy for her but sooo jealous. My therapist said that’s ok and in fact good. Don’t resent her but let yourself have whatever felling a you are feeling. And talk to someone like your significant other about it. It helped me just to get it out there. I feel better about it now and can’t wait to have another niece or nephew. And hopefully they will have a cousin similar in age : )
 
@christina89 That's just it, I am excited regardless at the prospect of babies in the family- my family is huge and I can't wait for my partner's family go grow, regardless of where the babies come from, just wish it wasn't so difficult for us! Yes, I would love for them all to be similar of age and grow up together! 😊
 
@jamespyles Nobody wants to say it but this is bothering me for some reason. Yes. Yes you being selfish. Yes you are being jealous and weirdly competitive. Your feelings are valid, but they are a symptom of toxic femininity. As are the rest of these enabling comments. We are NOT in competition with one another. You’re young and have only been doing this for 9 months. Get over yourself and get into therapy to work on why you feel like nobody else should have a baby until you do. You said it yourself “I actually sound so selfish”. Yeah. So you know. Stop looking for validation here and work on it.
 
@jamespyles You arent selfish.
Especially given how long it can take to be diagnosed with endometriosis.

I just went and had an ultrasound that showed nothing but I know somethings wrong because my periods arent supposed to be as bad or worse than the flu.

You could be trying for one month, but your feelings are just as valid.
 
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