Facetiming a 1 year old

S

storieman

New member
My ex wife and I have a 1 (almost 2) year old son. It was decreed in our papers that we have a right to one 30 minute phone call a day when he spends the day with the other parent. Since he is so young, he does not understand the concept of using a phone. This results in me having to hold the phone the whole time she calls. It also greatly distresses him when she FaceTimes him since he doesn't understand why she's gone. I can see the merit in daily phone calls and facetimes, but maybe not at this age due to the stress it puts on him and the burden placed on the other parent having to hold the phone the entire time the other calls. She disagrees and wants her full daily calls/facetimes, expects me to hold the phone and chase him around. Any advice? Am I wrong?
 
@storieman It's not reasonable for a one or two year old to have a half hour long activity, nevermind a sit-down half hour long activity. Children at this age have not developed any reason to focus this long on just about anything.

The expectation would absolutely cause distress, especially if it is happening daily.

At this age, figuring out wtf a phone actually is would be a barrier to being able to manage facetiming. If this is in your order, seek the wording. It may be an access but not an expectation. I don't think the expectation is reasonable. Not at this age. If there is the expectation, this is worth pursuing as a change.
 
Usually her explicit rights involve no responsibility from you. That's what a right is. What she doesn't have is the right to expect developments that haven't happened yet.
 
@storieman Gosh I would hate to have that in my custody order. Just my opinion, but I would I try to get that changed. My daughters dad and I haven’t been together since she was 6 months old and there really hasn’t ever been an age where she wants to sit on the phone for 30 minutes and talk…and she’s 10 now. Plus daily is just a lot. My daughter has an iPad and will text now, but before then we only called on the other parents time to wish happy birthday, happy holiday, etc.
 
@storieman This is not age appropriate and is wild that it’s in a legal agreement.

We started FaceTiming with daddy around the time my son was 1 BUT everyone keeps expectations low even now that he is two. The longest call has probably been just under ten minutes. Sometimes he is into it and sometimes not.

Yes, it is grating to have to hold the phone and listen to my ex’s voice. Especially when my wounds were fresher and I hadn’t had as much time to heal. Does she do the same for you?
 
@storieman Hate FaceTimes! So incredibly selfish of the parent and does not serve the kids well, quiet the opposite. Since this would benefit only her and not your baby, what about offering to send her pictures or a video daily instead?
 
@storieman My ex used to insist on FaceTime with our daughter when she was 2 as a way to control me and spy on me. Our order just says phone contact but doesn’t specify amount of turn. I limit phone calls to 5-10 minutes. She is 6 now so what are you going to talk to a 6 year old about for more than 5-10 minutes?
 
@maximum212 THIS. Sometimes it’s just about control and almost feels like harassment. My son’s father tried to insist that we FaceTime with him every 3 hours on the weekends. He would accuse me of “keeping his son from him” just because we were out running errands or I was busy in another room and couldn’t sit there and hold the phone. Our son is only 10 months old. Luckily we got a therapist who sided me on this one. Now we have 1-2 calls for 5 minutes daily.
 
@storieman Do you take advantage of this? Do you FaceTime for the 30 minutes when she has the child? Yea, it might be a pain, but you are crying over a matter that you both legally agreed to. Oh well, hold the phone, get a phone stand, or let the child hold it.
 
@storieman Im going through it right now. My 1 year old will stay on the phone for about 30 seconds maybe 1 minute on a good day. she usually finds something else to do and drops the phone and run away. Maybe you could trying sending a video every day, so even if your child won’t sit down for FaceTime you can still see what they do through out the day
 
@storieman That's wild. We have it worded that given the age of the child the calls are to be short in nature. I'd do the best you can, and each time that it gets tough for the child, I'd just end it. Let her file paperwork, and if it even comes to that have it changed. I find it hard to believe even a child under 5 would sit and participate for 30 minutes.
 
@storieman Wow that is so long. My 2.5yo ft for literally 4-5 minutes with whichever parent he's not with and that's about all we can expect to get out of him before he wants to move onto something else and that's more than enough time to ask him what he did that day, what he ate, what he watched, what he's gonna do tomorrow, say goodnights and I love yous.
 
@storieman I think a lot of kids that age do understand phones. I used to give mine old phones to play with and he knew exactly how to put it up to his ear.

Of course, not dropping it is a different story. You could try a tablet with a rubber bumper case, made for toddlers.

As for the length, it does seem long. Does it say 30 minutes, or up to 30 minutes?
 
@storieman I’ve been doing this for my mom since my son was 1/2 (he’ll be 6 next mont). It took a few tries to get him to understand to hold the phone and talk to gram gram. My mom was really patient and just liked talking to him. For the first few years it was mostly him running around with the phone not really engaging much, but he slowly got the hang of it. Honestly, I think it’s worth putting the effort into teaching them so they can stay connected to family. My sons a pro now and will have engaging conversations and knows how to flip the camera, direct it so he can show you something, etc. It was worth it for me to start with my mom, because now with my ex husband and I, we just give him the phone and we can go about our own business.
 
@storieman 30 minutes seems like a lot for such a young one, especially when they express distress. Our therapist said that the courts only mandate one 5-minute call a day, but we generally aim for two or even more if we’re having a quiet day. Five minutes is plenty for our 10 month old.
 
@storieman It is in our order that our 18 mo does calls four times a week with her other parent who lives many states away. The calls generally last 10-15 mins at this point; they have been doing calls this regularly for two months now. I also zoom with other friends and her grandparents (almost daily), and that has helped her build her skills and understanding around video calls.

I was told that it is not my responsibility to hold the phone, and that he will get whatever he gets from it. That doesn't mean he likes it! I sometimes encourage her and move the tablet so they can keep talking, but other times I don't. I agree that 30 minutes is too long, and so would want to see how it is worded in the order.

How often are you doing exchanges between households? And who added this into your order?
 
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