Ex hasn’t seen our 8 year old in months. He won’t even pick up his calls.. what can I say to my kid that will lessen this heartache he feels?

[donat]

@creslaw I feel awful for him because some days I’m just an emotional mess and he’s the one doing the booboo kissing for me basically. I hate letting him see me cry but there is absolutely no hiding it sometimes. We split almost a year ago.. my psychiatrist switched up some of my medications but still tells me what I’m experiencing is “situational depression.” I do not know what the heck that means..
my life completely changed and will never be the same. Will I ever go back to normal? Hopefully one day, I guess. For my sons sake, at least.

 

[creslaw]

@donat I’m not a psychiatrist. So placing medical stuff aside (of which I deal with some and am on medications as well). I can say, from my experience, there is (and never was) such a thing as normal. The sooner (and more genuinely ) accept the way things are the quicker I will feel ok with reality. Also, from my experience, being a mess and having kids see me sad and cry is a really really positive life experience for them and me. Then as I accept reality and grow, they will see me get better as a healthy person. You’re doing much better than you think you are. I guarantee that.

 

[harpazo777]

@donat Uagh, sounds like your ex is in a depressive phase. He'll dig himself deeper and deeper but you can't help him. So the good thing is: now you know this is a dead end because he locked the gate. He won't give you a key. Now you know that the rational solution is to find a different way. Don't waste anymore energy on this road or you'll just knock on the gate in vain. It should be coming as a relief to know that you have excluded one of an abundance of paths. Now pick another one.

One could be to teach your son that the only person responsible for his happiness is ultimately the one that greets him in a mirror. That's the most valuable lesson he can take from this. Don't bitch about the dad, I'd not even mention him, this has nothing to do with dad. If he asks, tell him something along the lines of dad being not in a happy place and it might take a while for him to come to his senses, but that child can still choose to be happy. His dad isn't gone, he just needs to find his way and it is up to dad to learn how to be happy again. And that is all you say about it. Don't disparage, don't cry about it. It's a fact you have absolutely zero input on so don't make it your job to defend him.

You could also both go to herapy if you can afford it. This is tough on both of you and you don't need to have all the right answers immediately. Therapy might help you define them though.

There are plenty other paths you can choose, just don't invest time and energy on paths with locked gates.

 

[ericm]

@donat When my son turned 7.5 the exact same thing happened. Exact same thing. This was just 2.5 years ago so it’s pretty fresh. If you can afford therapy please get on psychology today website and find one using the filters for your insurance and area. It takes extra effort to find a male but I found with my son it was helpful to have an adult male helping him with his emotions. Therapy for yourself is equally if not more important in this stage too.

So I would also recommend being open with him about addicts. You didn’t mention him being one but it’s a safe assumption. Start talking about how addiction. Start general and in terms he understands.

Try not to assume what he feels. Let him tell you.

Aggressive play time like anything that gets his heart rate going and uses a ton of energy is super important.

He still identifies with his dad. Don’t say anything bad about his father to or around him.

Have talks about self worth, explain where it comes from. Explain where it doesn’t.

His confidence is about to plummet. Self love and self worth is key right now.

Don’t be scared to cry around him about it. He needs to see that processing feelings is normal, grief is a part of life, and that you care how he feels. He needs to know it’s ok to cry.

Don’t ignore the topic but be careful not to ask him a ton of questions about how he feels.

Make a habit of asking him what kind of dreams he had every morning. His dreams will have symbolic meanings and teaching him to recognize those will help him.

Help him properly label, and allow the feelings. Fighting feelings makes them worse and make us sick. Feelings come and go like thunderstorms.

At night, try meditation like pretending you’re the YouTube video “you’re on a beach and the waves slowly reach shore” type thing. Teaching this has helped my son through the anxiety so much.

PM me if you want to chat. It’s tough to get used to, but you guys will adjust. Good luck.

ETA I would if possible avoid dating for a bit, and if you’re planning to introduce someone new def don’t right now. Just my opinion but to each their own. Also I’m sorry - the heartbreak is real and it’s exhausting to be present 24/7 so be compassionate with yourself too. Radical self love.

 

[katrina2017]

@donat My ex disappears for months at a time and my son has, unfortunately, become fairly accustomed to it. When he asks me where daddy is, I am honest and say “I don’t know” and remind him I love him and will always be there for him. At this point, he doesn’t really ask, but when other kids ask he just says “I don’t know” and moves on.

 

[boondock_saint]

@donat Same situation here. My ex had a secret fiance. Hasn't spoken to our 8 year old or 3 year old since April. He married her weeks after our divorce finalized in April and that's all that is important to him. The other day my 8 year old asked if his dad would even care if we were in a car accident and died. It is VERY hard. I never told my boys about the other woman. I told them that the love between their father and I was not there anymore, but I cherish my sons and that will never change. I tell my oldest often that his dad loves him in his own way and that we may not understand it but hopefully one day he realizes that he's missed out on so much with them. Sometimes my 8 year old eggs me on to try and get me to talk bad about his dad. I tell him it's not my place to make his opinion for him and if he wants to know more about why my marriage failed I will tell him when he's 18. His father has not told him that he got married. But he has messenger kids and saw the picture. He's already been guessing about the reason for the divorce but I won't confirm anything. My 3 year old always hated his dad, only ever referred to him by his first name. And is already starting to forget him. They've only talked to him a handful of times and only seen him 2 days since October. It's so pathetic that they can just abandon their children. I don't understand it at all.

 

[coachboone73]

@donat I think a therapist could be very helpful for you to find the right words for your son. Please consider this, it’ll help so so much. Big hugs to you and your kiddo.