Ex hasn’t seen our 8 year old in months. He won’t even pick up his calls.. what can I say to my kid that will lessen this heartache he feels?

D

donat

New member
I just would like some advice on what to do when one parent abandons the child after 7.5 years, without even saying goodbye?
I just can’t keep giving my son hope if there is none.
Dad quit his job and lost his house so I can’t even find him in person to confront him about the situation. I know he’s alive. Even has a new girlfriend, I heard. How he can start and put an effort into a new relationship before mending the old ones he’s broken is beyond me..
But again..Any advice would be appreciated.
 
@donat I don’t bash my son’s father, but I don’t cover up for him either. ‘That’s so weird we haven’t heard from him in months, it seems like he is going through a hard time. I can’t imagine not talking to you and I’m so glad that we have each other. You are the most important person to me.’
 
@hyunrunj3w I’m lucky he hasn’t really questioned it much yet. Last time he saw him he heard me tell dad to leave my apartment.. he thinks he’s not around because I made him leave that day. I just keep letting him think that it is my fault because he’ll eventually one day see that it wasn’t me keeping him from his dad… well I hope one day he’ll see that.
 
@donat Please be transparent but in a loving way. Letting your kid think you’re at fault is a road better not traveled…. You’re basically saying he can’t handle the truth or underestimate his awareness of what’s really happening. It is typical of kids to blame themselves for their parents shortcomings, but a ton of us had selfish parents that didn’t know how to parent or love us the way we deserved. My 25 year old said he realized what his dad was doing and had stopped being disappointed/waiting around …. I told the kids it was my fault. My 23 year old daughter is still angry with me….. like serious angry and she doesn’t seem to have reasons but I recall when it started. It’s totally rotted in resentment . I also have a 10 year old that I basically tried a different approach. I keep it real with but don’t bash her dad and always let it be known that’s she’s amazing and it’s not her fault . I was raised by a single dad and he never kept it real with us or spoke badly about my mom. It set me up for disappointment but really fucked up two of my sisters to the point where there’s been drugs involved since tween years, cps , prison instability and more . I truly believe if we were made to feel loved and worthy, and told the truth, we would have reached the conclusion that parents are people and thus fallible vs there being something wrong with us . But idek Sending hugs
 
@eva090715 He asked me why I made him leave and I just started to cry. Made me think I should have just taken his crap and let him to continue to know no boundaries and run my life and maybe he’d still talk to him.. the man is being so spiteful. I just wanted an every other weekend/holiday dad.. I was scared to leave him bc I thought he’d try and take my son from me but what’s happening is completely opposite from what I thought. It’s really shocking everyone that he’d do this to our kid. It just made me realize what I always sort of knew, he’s just selfish and awful. I hope he realizes how screwed up he’s being and comes looking to see him soon.. if he waits too long there’s going to be no repairing the damages.
 
@donat When he asks again you need to be gentle with the truth, but still make sure you tell him what’s going on without all the details. Kids are very in tune with what is going on, they know more than they lead on . My 14 year old knows his mother very well and at the moment wants nothing to do with her. It breaks my heart but she has done some pretty messed up stuff.
 
@donat I am in exactly the same situation so far as my sons father. My son is almost 2 so doesn’t really understand yet so I haven’t experienced your challenges yet…but that being said if you ever want to chat pm me.
 
@donat This happened to a friend of mine. Her daughter got super depressed and developed abandonment issues and started acting out in school. The only thing that worked for her was therapy. She started with the school and then eventually found a counselor at a practice close to her house where her daughter regularly goes now. I hope you’ll be able to do the same for your son cause there’s nothing you can say to fix this.
 
@ashleyb12104 Yeah he had an episode in school and they ended up calling crisis because he said he wanted to die. He’s been in therapy for a little while now. No 7 year old kid should be thinking about suicide.. I’m very overwhelmed with it all. I’m trying my best to be strong for him.
 
@donat We just do our best and give ourselves and our children grace to heal and grow. Be kind to yourself mama and try to be as present as possible for you baby.
 
@donat As being one of those kids there is not much you can say. Just make sure you are there for them , let them know that no matter what you will be there for them and love them. One of the most important things is take them and do something together. I wish I had that when I was a kid going through that. Therapy would be a very good idea.
 
@donat I agree. Thankfully I still have my mom which has been a lifesaver through this. I can not appreciate her enough! Because now I am a single parent to two amazing kids
 
@donat It's heartbreaking, I know. My Ex hasn't seen our toddler in almost a year. Thankfully he was always really flaky and my son has bonded with his stepdad. He still went through a few months of separation anxiety last fall because of it.

Seeing the school counselor is the best idea: visiting can be incorporated into the school day and because it's related to education, you won't be held up on a private therapist's office needing your Ex's signature on the intake paperwork.

Be the best parent you can be for your son and prioritize relationships with other male relatives (uncles, grandpas, neighbors), even joining the Scouts or other groups. Boys, especially, need good male role models in their lives.
 
@tree320 Thank you! Things have been very hard since we left. I don’t even know how to drive bc my ex never wanted to teach me. So it’s hard to be able to get him out to do fun little things like scouts. I don’t have any help so I’ve sort of been stuck in this limbo nightmare of wanting to do better but not having many options.
 
@donat "Dad and I were not happy. We both love you so much. You're the best thing that has ever come out of our relationship. Sometimes adults just can't be together, but it has absolutely nothing to do with how much we love you. Dad is having some adult problems right now. I know he loves you and misses you. We need to let him fix some of those things and once he does, I'm hopeful we will get to see him". Reiterate how much both of you love and cherish him. Reiterate sometimes adults go through things alone. Reiterate how it absolutely has nothing to do with being child's fault or responsibility.
 
@donat Adults make bad choices sometimes and when they are making bad choices it is up to them to get help for that, just like we go to the doctor if we have a stomach ache. If an adults brain is making bad choices it’s their responsibility to get help for that the same way. It is no ones fault, and no one can force them. It doesn’t mean that your son isn’t loved, it just means his dad has a problem he isn’t addressing which is his own fault.
 
@bella9525 I do speak to his family. I always spoke to his family more then he did though. He hasn’t spoken to any of them since I left him with our son to go live in a domestic violence shelter. I don’t know what he thinks he’s doing.. he (I think) accidentally FaceTimed me two days ago.. it rang twice and I didn’t even have time to pick up before he hurried and hung up.
 
@donat This situation stinks. I’m sorry y’all are in it. Best answer though is say nothing and be there with the feelings that exist. Parent the best you can and be the example your child needs to learn from and be around. Everything else is out of your control.
 
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