Eugh...Just Eugh

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bunbunowen66

New member
My nearly 1 year old still wakes up a lot during the night to nurse. I don't mind, we bed share and I love that she feels safe and happy when she's by me. Most importantly, since she was premature and still teeny tiny, giving her the extra calories is really important to me.

Today, after telling my mum that I was really tired since my girl was feeding for so long last night (she's going through a growth spurt) she replied "it's disgusting she's not sleeping through the night at nearly 1"

D.I.S.G.U.S.T.I.N.G

She then went on about how back in her day it was rare for babies not to sleep though the night from a couple of weeks old. She then questioned all the "books" I'm reading (like I have time to read a book?) and my patenting style and before I could retort she said this:

"It's no wonder parents beat their kids. You know, if they're awake all night"

She's a foster carer.
I was so angry I had to walk away.
 
@bunbunowen66 Specifically in regard to that situation - it goes without saying that at best your mother's word choice was totally inappropriate. It may also be worth looking into the beating comment because, well, yikes.

In general though, I have run into this issue a few times with the boomer generation. I try to remember that a lot of them were raised on a 'children are seen and not heard' mentality by their own parents and for whatever reason they didn't reevaluate that when it came round to them having kids. This is obviously a sweeping generalisation and I'm sure there are many boomers who aren't like this, but in my experience, they really value tradition and can take it as an insult when it is questioned. A phrase I hear a lot is 'well I did [insert outdated and potentially damaging parenting technique] with you and you turned out fine.' I am always very tempted to say, 'actually, I'm not sure I did,' but I don't want to pull on that thread because it's going to be viewed as an attack. I get it, previous generations did what they thought was best for their family with the information they had available to them and there is no judgement from me for that. But for whatever reason, that person can't handle the fact that they might have been less than perfect. Maybe they have an issue with questioning authority.

So what I end up doing is saying, yes I'm tired, but that's parenting sometimes, this is working for us and my baby is happy, and that's all that matters. Then I quickly change the subject. This usually works because there's nothing for them to disagree with. You stick with what you know to be best for your family and ignore anyone who tries to challenge it. It's pointless trying to retort, trust me.
 
@haplotes I normally have a great prepared speech for when people question my parenting style (I've spoken about it before in this sub) but this one really stopped me in my tracks.

Yeah no one wants to hear that the choices that they made as a parent, no matter how many years ago they were made, could be potentially harmful to their child. But Gen Xs and Millennials are amongst the most depressed and lost generations of them all. I'm yet to see a single person from my generation who has a good relationship with both parents. And that should be a wake up call in itself.
 
@haplotes "Turned out fine."
Ha. Turned out fine in spite of all the crap they were put through, maybe. Even then there are so many people with emotional/ attachment issues as a result of abusive parenting.
That's not a valid reason to continue the cycle.
 
@icananswer I've spent a lot of time in therapy discovering this.

Edit to add: I don't have abusive parents but they didn't really allow me a safe space to feel my emotions and have them validated which is why I am such a fan of attachment parenting.
 
@haplotes Good on you for seeking out help. I'm too stubborn to go, but i probably should. I thought i could just let it go, but I still have an anxiety attack when i miss a call or receive an email from my mother. I dread what the message will be about.
 
@icananswer Yeah I was the same before I took the plunge. I did CBT which helped me figure out how to challenge negative thoughts and then some counselling to help me work out why I think negatively in the first place. The combo was great.

I'm also very lucky in that I'm in the UK so it was free. I know not everywhere has that luxury.
 
@haplotes I'll have to look into that. I would like to try to figure it out on my own, but it doesn't hurt to have all the tools I can find while i do it. Thank you for sharing.

Positivity is such an important skill. I hope you're doing really well. Keep kicking butt.
 
@icananswer If you don't want to talk to another human about it, I really recommend the book Mind Over Mood. It's a CBT course on paper basically.

You sound like a really nice human :)
 
@bunbunowen66 Oh wow. I can't imagine the amount of hurt and disappointment you're going through. I'd have a really hard time keeping a relationship like that in my life 😔

I'm sorry this happened. I think it's awesome that your daughter gets so much of your support during her undoubtedly exhausting (for her AND you) growth spurt, how amazing for her!
 
@crismate88 Thank you. Taking it each day at a time. I originally moved back in with my mum temporarily, but then covid happened and I lost my job... so here we are! Luckily my husband just got a new job today (hurrah!) so we can look forward to the future now and getting our own place where we can parent in peace.
 
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