Estranged sister passed away. I was contacted about her 4 y/o daughter & 1 y/o son

S

semiprecious

New member
They called me a few hours ago. She’s three years younger than me. She was always the wild one when we were growing up.. (there’s six of us, I’m 2sd oldest, she’s third. It’s complicated but we’re all varying degrees of half/full siblings). Apparently she OD’d. Apparently her kids were left at home for two days being watched by their “grandmother” who is bed ridden with cancer. The house was a mess. It was awful, judging by the pictures we were sent. The little girl looks - amazingly - clean. She’s thin... way too thin. The little boy is pretty behind, and the girl hasn’t started school yet.

H and I have (almost) five kids of our own. Four year old triplet girls and a 9 y/o DS. I’m 20 odd weeks with our fifth - a boy. Realistically, our house would easily allow for it. It’s six bedrooms (five upper, one in the basement). Currently the triplets share a room anyway, and DS has his own. Depending on how it went, one of the girls could move into a room with Niece, and NewBaby and Nephew could share a room. H and I talked about foster/adoption. I just don’t know if we could financially do it.

But I can’t help but look at these kids and see me at that age. These hormones aren’t helping me think clearly either.
 
@semiprecious Wow I am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine having to make a decision like this.

You would or should get Social Security Benefits for each child until they turn 18. Not sure how much it is though. You might even qualify for payment for foster or adopting them.

I know you will do what is best for them and your growing family. *Hugs, if you want them*
 
@danny4thelord The only sting about SS benefits is you have to the METICULOUS about saving ALL of your receipts and reporting ANY change in income to them. We received benefits for our son and now we owe them $3400 because we used the money on bills and not food “for the child”. He got $740 a month. He was a newborn. NOT EVEN A NEWBORN CAN DRINK THAT MUCH FORMULA.

/rant. Just be careful with SS
 
@mwangi22 That is a totally different type of benefits. The benefits she would get if she takes the kids would be social security death benefits. You don't have to keep any receipts or track income for that.
 
@mwangi22 What? That’s just wrong to penalise you like that. You should be allowed to use the benefits meant to pay for the child’s living expenses to... pay for the child’s living expenses. Putting it towards rent on a house large enough to fit the child, electricity to keep the child warm, gas to cook the child’s meals... I get that’s it’s probably to stop abuse of the system/stealing from the kid, but hell. Even supplementing the household income so that an adult can stay home with the child should be considered a legitimate use of the money for the child’s benefit.
 
@cynick40 I agree. We fought it and lost so we’re working on slowly paying it down.. I just tell people that if they can manage without SS then do it.. sucks too because our kid is disabled and we already have a shitload of medical bills
 
@mwangi22 My kid got them too. I just listed it as funds for to and from specialists appointments. Which I mean I probably did spend that much going 6 hours round-trip, stopping for breakfast and lunch, etc, once to twice a week, not to even begin on car maintenance. I went through two new sets of tires in that year!
 
@semiprecious If you adopt through foster care, you may qualify for subsidies. If you foster and become a licensed foster home, you may qualify for board payments. The caseworker should be able to talk you through some of that. You may also want to contact a local adoptions attorney for a consult, since they'll be able to walk you through the available benefits, too.

More power to you, mama.
 
@semiprecious If you do kinship foster care, the kids could go to ECEAP preschool. Those are really geared to helping kids that have lived through trauma build emotional skills. They've been through a lot and have a lot of losses. If you have the room and the heart, it could be great. I know families with 7 to 10 kids and they do fine. If you would always hold them as somehow less than, maybe don't do it. They will know.
 
@semiprecious It's amazing that you're considering it. There are certainly people who manage to handle 7 kids without a problem. But you also need to consider the amount of stress the kids are facing, and how much you would be adding to it if you brought them into your home and then realized you couldn't handle it and had to send them to someone else.

So you need to be absolutely certain. Not just adding the extra food etc but what about whatever medical and psychological needs they probably have? Can you emotionally handle two more kids (while pregnant, no less!) that may have emotional issues from their early lifestyles? Their mom od'd - how much of that lifestyle has bled into her kids?

It's a big decision. I probably wouldn't be able to handle it with just my 3 kids, let alone pregnant. But that's me, I'm not mom material. The fact that you're considering it tells me you're already more qualified than I would be.
 
@katrina2017 So, I don't know you, but I've been following your stories for awhile. I think you're an amazing human for even considering it.

To this, I will only add that if you do decide to take them, you will want to consider therapy for your niece. She will likely need it. It's another thing to add to the massive pile of obligations you find yourself in.

No matter what, I believe you'll make the right choice for your family.
 
@semiprecious Would you be able to get social security? Would she have had life insurance through an old job or something?

I'm so sorry for your loss. You're a wonderful person to consider taking on two more kids. I'm so sorry for what you're all going through.
 
@semiprecious My sister has 4 biological children, and is currently in the process of adopting 4 more children that were removed from our cousin. The 8 children are aged 2-10. She has three 5 year olds. She gets financial help and government assistance (food stamps, wic, etc), but also I think she gets some because she and her husband are licensed foster parents. Think of it this way, if you don't take the children, are they likely to end up in foster care? In which case, the government is going to be paying to raise them and they may be separated (the 4 my sister have now were previously placed across 3 separate foster homes). If you take them and have to get government assistance to raise them, it's still likely less than what the government would have to pay anyways if you don't take them, and if you take them then you know they will be raised together in a loving environment with their family.
 
@semiprecious This is such a tough decision. If it helps any both kids would likely receive social security of somewhere around $700 a month. In addition they may automatically qualify for Medicaid along with the death benefits.

We have 6 kids and have taken in various kids of the years. At a certain point there isn't a huge difference from 4 to kids or 5 to 7. It's definitely a lot of responsibility and it can be loud and chaotic, but it can also be wonderful in so many ways. I'm sure you'll make the right decision for all involved!
 
@semiprecious Wow, adding another 4 year old. You’d be going from triplets to quads. That’s about when you’d start needing “classroom management” skills on top of parenting skills.

The top thing I’d be considering would be the effect of bringing in two traumatized kids would be to your own kids. Their safety and well-being are your primary concern. What happens when the (inevitable) behavior problems come up? Blended family therapy would be a must. As well as individual therapy for your niece. I’d be worried about attachment issues.

A mother’s love is endless but you do have limited time and energy. You only have two hands. Can you give these two what they need while still providing for your own?
 
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