Currently over here sleep-deprived and questioning every parenting decision I've made... Send help!

[pickledcarrots]

This is partly a cross-post from my bumper group, so sorry if I'm spamming like two of you.

I have an almost 9-month-old. We co-sleep on a floor bed, and have not done any sleep training. She was consistently going to sleep around 5:30-6pm, and sleeping until 6:30-7am, with several (3? 4? I lose count) wake-ups to nurse, then right back to sleep. She takes two daytime naps, around 9:30 and 1:30, lasting about 40 minutes each. She's basically set that schedule, and we just try to maintain it, because it was working well. Until now.

I'm a fan of the co-sleeping because omg night nursing was so much easier, but I'm second-guessing that.

LO is obviously going through a big developmental leap, and I'm pretty sure there's teething stuff too? Or maybe just growing pains? She hasn't slept well in three nights. She wakes up constantly, and it's a chore to get her to stop rolling around, chattering, yelling, and back to sleep. Then she's awake around 5-5:30, about an hour and a half earlier than before.

Wednesday she woke me up by yanking several of my hairs out. Then later she head-butted me and split my lip open. Then later she peed on me. In summary, we've had some rough days.

Last night she was pretty much on a sleep strike. I maybe should have tried motrin, but she didn't seem like she was in pain (she has pretty consistent tells for tooth pain). She was up again at 5:30, yelling. Not crying, just yelling because she's bored.

I tried to start some gentle sleep training last night. She used to fall asleep independently, but lately she's been falling asleep while nursing, and I think it's become a crutch, so I'm trying to eliminate that. She was clearly not happy. I ended up compromising, giving her a boob until she was starting to nod off, and then pulling her off and letting her go to sleep on her own. We might have to do a gradual boob removal, because she's pretty strong-willed. (No idea where she gets that... /s)

So... Do we stop co-sleeping? I want her in our room until she's 1, but I wonder if she'd be happier in her own room, baby-proofed, with a floor bed and stuff to do? She's currently not crawling, and I wonder if we're going to go straight to walking, so her methods of locomotion include rolling and scooting around on her back. She currently wants to be standing, all. the. time. She can't pull herself up yet though, but I think that's coming very soon. Anyway, I'm rambling, but she's not super mobile and can't get around her room easily yet.

Do I just need to harden up and sleep train her? I am not personally a fan of CIO methods, so I won't do that, but I'm open to other suggestions.

Do I just hunker down and weather this storm because it's hopefully temporary? Did anyone get past this and make it out on the other side without major routine changes?

Mama's tired, and omg this sucks...

Tl;dr - Almost 9 m.o. is in a struggle phase, send help or at least encouragement that we'll survive?

 

[jewsfirst]

@pickledcarrots You will survive! These days are long, but when your kid is five, this time will be a blip!

I’m sure someone will come along with more meaningful help for your family’s needs. I also have a 9mo, as well as an almost 5yo, so I do find it a little easier to be like “This is fine” whenever I want to tear my hair out with 9mo because I look back on this time with my elder kid as one big quick blur. We’re okay with some crying at bedtime (as long is it’s from frustration from being sleepy — we can tell by the cry whether or not they need/ed help), so I respect that what we do/did won’t work for you. But solidarity. This phase blows lol

 

[fatefulslave]

@pickledcarrots Our baby is 9.5 mo and is EBF. Sleep training hadn't work for us and I was waking every 2hrs to nurse since birth- Until 10 days ago when DH and I decided to send him in when baby cried instead of me. Now that DH deals with the night wakings there have been no more night wakings lol. Baby woke up the first night, got snuggled by papa (was confused by the absence of working nipples lol) and then decided he didn't need to wake up every 2hrs to nurse if it was just papa cuddling him. He will sometimes wake up at 4:30am and I'll feed him and he'll go back to sleep but switching over to just having my DH take over nights has drastically changed our lives. Baby went from sleeping MAX 2hrs at a time to 10+hrs now at night, all bc DH doesn't have nipples lol.

 

[pickledcarrots]

@fatefulslave This might work for us! We'd have to try on weekends, because my husband works nights to cover childcare (thanks covid), so doesn't get home until almost 1am on week nights. But if we can try for a couple nights, she might get the idea!

 

[jmartian]

@fatefulslave Was going to suggest night weaning! Easier if dad does it, but I did night snuggles in a sturdy shirt for a few days. Strenuous complaints the first night or two, but then dramatic improvement.

 

[dancequeen12]

@fatefulslave I need to remember this trick! I love how it doesn’t involve ignoring baby but it totally worked.

 

[fatefulslave]

@dancequeen12 Yes! Exactly

 

[timothy91]

@pickledcarrots I didn’t co sleep because I was super nervous about it, and I really need to sleep in my own space to get good sleep. Our little guy was also directly across the very narrow hall so I heard every little noise. He slept well in a crib from about 8 weeks on.

All that being said.... we did have several regressions when he was teething or otherwise not feeling well. The book Precious Little Sleep really helped us. I was generally adverse to CIO, and she includes non CIO information and processes. I did eventually allow for some CIO, but only fussy protest crying, not losing his mind crying, and never for more than 5-10 minutes.

Now we’re going through the 2 year molar teething phase and we are co-sleeping some nights (which is really rough on me) and he’s in his bed other nights. I still rely on some of the Precious Little Sleep tools when it’s time to transition him to his bed after a few nights of being in our bed.

It’s really really rough during a regression, but I promise you will eventually come out on the other side!! In the meantime, I wish you all the sleep you can possibly manage to get!!

 

[bornagain95]

@timothy91 We don’t do CIO either but if she’s just whining and protesting I don’t get her. If she starts actually crying I do.

 

[mallesh]

@bornagain95 This right here. An infrared camera helps to read body language too. We used a bedside bassinet for almost cosleeping until he was flipping, then he got his own crib.

We worked hard on self soothing by not going in just for a bit of fussing or even very short term crying unless he was escalating or looked upset. Crying is one of their few vocalizations when young. Sometimes they just want to say something.

It has worked for us except now from basically 1- almost 3 years old he won't fall asleep except in a dark room alone... Won't nap with us at all ever.

 

[bornagain95]

@mallesh Sometimes she just needs time to rub her face and eat her fingers. And sometimes she needs her mama to hold her and recite a poem.

 

[pickledcarrots]

@timothy91 Thanks for the advice. I feel like reading right now seems like a weird fantasy. We have two special needs dogs that are both old. One is in the last stages of heart failure, needs special food that we make her every few days, and struggles with incontinence, which means more laundry. The other dog has seizures, and this morning had a seizure when I let him out to potty. He was covered in mud, bleeding, etc, so my husband got to bathe him while watching our daughter. Rough day, and it's not even 9:30. Seizure dog is mostly a happy derpy little dude, but heart failure dog we will have to say goodbye to soon. She's outlived all expectations, I think because she now has a new little person that shares food with her, which is a great reason to live, apparently.

Anyway, we lost our childcare spot because covid, so my husband is working nights. We don't have family help, and can't afford a nanny. Most days our goal is just survival, and keeping as much consistency and routine as we can.

We are down someone at work, so I don't get a reprieve there, either.

In summary, I'm really tired and burnt out. Basically after LO goes to bed, I do some chores, stare into space for a bit, and then go to bed. Reading sounds excellent, but... probably not happening for now.

I appreciate you all being my sounding board for tired rambles, and appreciate the encouragement!

 

[timothy91]

@pickledcarrots Happy to be the sounding board!!! And I totally feel you! We are fortunate to have daycare, and although it’s more challenging in some ways, overall I find taking care of a 2 year old to be way easier than a 9 month old. But we’ve got some similar challenges.... not a lot of local support to rely on. Until January, my husband was working a job that took him out of town for 36-48 hours at a time, 3 times a week. No schedule, so I couldn’t even plan when I would have a chance to do anything for myself or the house. And often when he was home, it was just long enough to sleep and then get right back on the road.

I’m fortunate to be working from home so I can maximize what would have been commute time previously and run laundry and get dinner going during the day. But my husband is now working less hours and making less money so he can go to school. So I’m making adjustments financially and also to cover even more of the household load. Again, a lot of things got easier, and a lot of things got harder.

Check out the Libby app. It’s a free library app (if you don’t have a local library card it will help guide you through getting one), and you can check out audiobooks. I play it when I’m doing chores or driving. That’s the only way I’ve gotten any “reading” done in the past year!

I 100% feel it in my soul, the “put the kid to bed, do some chores, then mindlessly stare into space or scroll on my phone because I’m dead behind the eyes and just can’t give another gram of fucks today.”

Edit: forgot to add.... we have 3 elderly dogs!! None of them are special needs yet, but the worst night of the past two years was when my husband was out of town, I was looking forward to 7:30 when I could put my kid to sleep and then get into bed myself, and as soon as I got the kiddo asleep, I realized one dog had a massive abscess that couldn’t wait. So it’s a Saturday evening, I call a neighbor to just sit in my house with my sleeping child, and go to the emergency vet. I had to wait in the waiting room for 4 hours with an anxious dog because there were more critical emergencies that kept coming in. I was grateful my dog wasn’t critical, but it was frustrating and exhausting nonetheless. It was after midnight before I got home.

 

[pickledcarrots]

@timothy91 Lolol the solidarity is honestly so helpful!!

I have audible, and knew there were free options, but I hadn't had the capacity to explore the particulars. Thanks for the info, and I will check it out! I'm very slowly making my way through Tig Notaro's book right now, but it's almost over and I'll be able to slowly make my way through a new book!

 

[timothy91]

@pickledcarrots Some days solidarity is the only thing keeping us going lol!! Just knowing you’re not totally alone or unique in your suffering!!!

Oooh I didn’t know Tig Notaro had a book! Now I’m gonna go look for that one....

 

[newby1985]

@pickledcarrots With a now 3 year old I can tell you that my only regret is that I spent so much time worrying about and agonizing over decisions that don’t really matter that much.

I’m sure she loves things about sleeping with you, but would also enjoy some aspects of
sleeping alone (they are human, just like we are!)

There is no perfect decision here, so you should do whichever you like best. It’s safe to optimize for today and change your mind tomorrow.

 

[newby1985]

Adding that I thought mine would never stop nursing, but at about 21 months she weaned herself. She started wanting to rock herself without me sitting in the chair and in her newfound independence, she kept forgetting to ask to nurse.

When we moved her to her own room, we let her cry for a few minutes at a time (was the most I could do). My therapist reminded me that giving her a chance to figure this out on her own for a few minutes was a way of respecting her as a person. Rather than assuming she couldn’t manage even minor frustration or discomfort without me. That helped me immensely to allow her to try it out for a few minutes (~5) at a time. Eventually (a few days) it worked.

 

[pickledcarrots]

@newby1985 I totally get that. I definitely let her get mad and frustrated. I would get irritated myself if every time I got upset, someone jumped in to try to fix things. Usually when she starts fully crying, I offer help. I think everyone has their own interpretation of when to step in, and there's probably not a magic answer.

 

[pickledcarrots]

@newby1985 I appreciate this. I look back to the newborn stage and the anxiety of having a brand new, fragile little being, and if we do this again I think I will lose a lot fewer anxious tears. I think when I'm not sleeping, it's easy to catastrophize, plus this is all unknown territory.

 

[sirsteve]

@pickledcarrots Things are so hard when you’re in the middle of the trenches of sleep deprivation. We have a pretty good independent sleeper but on his first birthday he decided that sleeping was something of the past. Suddenly really frequent night wake ups while he used to sleep through the night from 3 months on, and nap refusal. We tried CIO because he sometimes needs a little crying to fall asleep but it didn’t work at all, just made him absolutely hysterical. For hours on end. In the middle of the night. I think my main takeaway is, just try to keep reasoning logically and keep trying different things if something isn’t working (but also give a new approach a bit of time). In the end we found we were dealing with teething and separation anxiety and found out we could get him back to sleep quickly by sitting with him and rubbing his back. He’s now back to falling asleep independently and usually sleeping through the night.

What I mean is, your intuition is usually right. If you feel like boob is becoming a sleeping crutch you’re probably right. And if you don’t want it like that devise a method to get rid of it and try it out for a while (unless the results are truly disastrous).

An option I’m missing in your post is baby in your room in a crib, but maybe you have reasons you don’t want that. Also I want to point out that our 13 month old has discovered the joy of emptying drawers and wardrobes. If you don’t want to refold clothes every morning you have to baby proof your Montessori room really really well.