Crossing the 6 month mark

[rosetyler]

My partner and I just passed 6 months of trying. I know this isn’t long at all in the scheme of things and I know technically speaking anything under a year is considered healthy and normal, but this milestone has hit me harder than I expected.

Some of the numbers around conception rates at this time are really making me feel hopeless. According to Cleveland Clinic, “80% of people who are having vaginal intercourse regularly and aren’t using birth control will successfully get pregnant within six months. By 12 months, an additional 5% will become pregnant”.

I know baseline health can only help so much with fertility, but it’s so hard to feel like we’re doing everything “right” and it’s just not working. We both work out regularly, we eat healthy and organic, I don’t drink alcohol at all, my partner only has a couple of drinks per week, we’re not huge coffee drinkers, we take our prenatals, we get good sleep, we’re using ovulation kits so our timing is right, etc etc.

In most of life, increased effort tends to lead to increased output, and it’s kind of a mindf*ck that suddenly in this realm of life there’s not much we can do to improve our odds (outside of fertility treatment).

Thankfully I have great health insurance and we were able to get fertility tested and everything checked out except for I had an inconclusive HSG and may or may not have one blocked tube. But that still means I have one that’s open for sure. We’re both 33 and have solid numbers.

It’s just hard to reconcile all of that with 6 months of negatives, and I’m just having a hard time staying hopeful.

 

[mina6871]

@rosetyler Commiserating also.

"In most of life, increased effort tends to lead to increased output, and it’s kind of a mindf*ck that suddenly in this realm of life there’s not much we can do to improve our odds (outside of fertility treatment)."

This is it. It's just so random. We're so used to having control or being able to do SOMETHING that it's really difficult to have to accept leaving it up to chance.

I was also thinking earlier about how I didn't expect to become SO invested in having a baby. Obviously I want one and it's a huge deal. But it's like when something goes wrong with the WiFi at home and my whole world becomes fixing the WiFi, even though I don't really need it at that moment and there's tonnes of other stuff I could be doing while I wait for it to come back on line by itself. I just can't move past it until it's 'fixed'.

 

[rosetyler]

@mina6871 WiFi analogy is SPOT ON. I always knew I wanted kids and we want a big family so there’s some anxiety coming from fearing that this longer than anticipated timeline means that may be becoming less likely. But I think a big part is wanting to problem solve and becoming fixated. The reality is I LOVE our life right now. I’m not desperate to have a baby immediately, I’m desperate to have one period, and it’s impossible to separate those two things because until I get a positive I’m going to be afraid it’ll never happen.

 

[jackthejesusfreak]

@rosetyler This is so well said. I feel the same way — I'm in the middle of month 6, and I feel completely desperate to get (and stay) pregnant in a way that I didn't feel when I first started trying. I'm happy with our life as it is, and honestly in some ways we could probably benefit from going another year or so as DINKs, but it's hard not to get more and more anxious as time goes by.

 

[dalida]

@mina6871 You’ve described how I feel! I’ve become almost obsessive over why it’s not happening. If you talked to me two years ago, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted kids. But after we started trying, and failing to get pregnant, I’ve become fixated on it.

 

[ripheus27]

@dalida I do try to find the silver-lining. I felt similarly and can appreciate the longer than planned timeline has helps me feel more certain I want a child and all the challenges that come with that path. I was a very worried fence sitter that I would regret the choice as soon as I got pregnant and it is “real”.

DINK can be be very enticing lol and try to remember that when I am feeling hopeless about my fertility, the alternate path is one I near willing chose - so if that’s my fate then I can make peace with it.

 

[emerc80]

@dalida Same.

 

[mcg1102]

@rosetyler The Cleveland Clinic’s stats are a little out of line with the generally accepted numbers — usually the numbers are given that about 70% of folks have conceived by cycle 6, and and additional 15% (that is, half of the folks who remain) will conceive by cycle 12. This does give you a good shot at being among the “conceive by 12” group.

I would definitely encourage you to run your own race when it comes to thinking about this stuff. The fact that 70% of folks get pregnant by this point doesn’t really help you, and isn’t by itself evidence that there’s something going on with you, especially in light of good fertility testing results.

 

[rosetyler]

@mcg1102 Thank you for explaining it that way, the numbers were really depressing me. Hearing half that remain will, sounds a lot better. I know you’re so right about running my own race — and this is going to sound awful but I’m really used to “winning” races.. was a top athlete, top of my class, blah blah blah and suddenly I’m in a race where hard work doesn’t matter and every person’s path is different. It’s a weird thing to internalize.

 

[sparow]

@rosetyler I’ll also add that even if you’re in the group of 15% of folks who don’t get pregnant by 12 months, that doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen for you. Most people have a 20-30% chance of pregnancy each month. People with unexplained infertility trying unsuccessfully for less than 2 years have something like a 5% chance. So if you do get to the 12 month mark and the doctors can’t find anything wrong, if you keep rolling the dice each month or pursue things like IUI, odds are, it will land eventually. It just might take a little longer. I’m telling you this because when you’re in the middle of it, you feel like if it hasn’t happened yet, it never will, and the situation and pain you’re experiencing will last forever. That’s not necessarily (or even likely to be) true.

 

[emerc80]

@rosetyler I was advised by my husband, midwife, doctor, and friend who is a nurse to stop googling. It makes it worse. For me it was only when I actually tried to get pregnant I became desperate and went down this path. It’s not a good one.

 

[3magic]

@rosetyler Are you me? All your comments hit home. This process makes you feel so out of control.

 

[myself4]

@mcg1102 devbio for the win again.

 

[notthereyet]

@rosetyler No advice, just commiserating. I had the hardest time with my cycle six negative test.

The good news is that you already have an established relationship with a RE it sounds like!

Also, I know that six months sucks, but there are a lot of women who still go on to have an unassisted conception after six months of negatives. The last person I saw vent about six months ended up conceiving the next cycle.

 

[fuoco]

@rosetyler I got pregnant at 39 in the 11th cycle. Imagine the pressure just waiting it out a bit longer at this age and not going through IVF. I was really shocked when it happened.

A friend of mine conceived her first at 28 after 1.5 years, the second took 6 months, the third 12 months. Many people take more than 6 months.

 

[seniorsliving]

@fuoco This is so encouraging to read!!