Contacting child when with other parent

[memrin]

Hi everyone,

I need some advice. I’m the typically high strung, helicopter parent and my coparent is very decidedly the ‘fun’ parent who gives out candy for breakfast and who blames me for all the problems.

The split happened within the last year, and at first I sent postcards and notes with my kid to help him adjust. Coparent nixed that in October. I moved on - can’t make him read to the child.

Coparent then stated he didn’t believe in FaceTiming our child but supported my different opinion. About six weeks after that, he began offering tv during the times I FaceTime our child, so our child no longer wants to FaceTime me either. I sent video messages instead and our child would watch them and send a video or a statement through coparent if he wished. Coparent has now said those aren’t allowed and I’m welcome to set up a call…..
so I tried to arrange a time, coparent ignored then the following day, texted child didn’t want to and I still attempted FaceTime (knowing it would be rejected, but wanting to make sure my child knew I tried as the video messages were banned on my off day) . Child later, unprompted, told me he was watching tv at the time and didn’t want to stop watching.

I’ve reached out to my lawyer, but thought I’d crowd source and see if there’s any ideas or advice or even challenges (I am working to let go and honestly have quite a bit - I haven’t mentioned the candy for breakfast or how tv for an hour or two before preK isn’t setting him up well). We are in the middle of updating our parenting plan, so I can add clauses if I can get him to agree to them…..

ETA an update: requested to put in the paperwork FaceTime at set times but expressed I’d prefer to do otherwise (particularly to go back to sending video good nights which are approximately 20 seconds, flexible for both houses, and what the kid likes). Got told no, kid doesn’t need contact with me, all he needs is his other family. So yes, this coparent is unreasonable. Lawyer is involved and will take it from here, as there are other things that needed added to the plan.

 

[ian74]

@memrin How old is your child? And how is custody split? At first glance it seems that you are being unreasonable. It’s great that you’re aware of your helicopter parenting but you don’t get to do that on the other parent’s time.

 

[memrin]

@ian74 He’s 5, it’s 50/50

 

[ian74]

@memrin Ok, doesn’t change my position. I really think you need to let it go - it’s unreasonable to expect that you have full access to your child when it’s not your parenting time. Particularly for a 5yo who may still be getting used to the transition. Regular FaceTimes are more likely to upset your child rather than comfort them. If it’s you that is looking for comfort, you probably need to work on keeping yourself busy and occupied without your child.

 

[nyr94]

@memrin At that age, it was traumatic for my kids to FT me so we only FT if they requested. Did I miss them and worry? Absolutely but I learned to find other things to keep me busy and let it go and it worked out better for everyone.

 

[kaelyne87]

@memrin I’ve personally dealt with this. The courts won’t see a reason for you to interfere with your exes parenting time. You can file a petition but the courts will have to believe daily contact (interfering with your exes parenting time) is in the best interest of the child. With that, they’ll weigh out if this is hindering your exes ability to maintain a healthy parent child relationship.
Is your child telling you about candy for breakfast? Are you asking your kiddo about your attempts to call? I am impressed your 5yo can recall what they were doing when you called. Unfortunately the courts cannot make your ex parent the way you expect them to parent. You might have to let this go. It seems like a fairly new separation and your ex is setting boundaries. You pushing can cause more harm than good at this point.

 

[memrin]

@kaelyne87 Yes child tells me about candy for breakfast. He told me unprompted about the thing he was doing when I called. I didn’t ask because I didn’t want him to feel bad for being a kid and making a kid decision.

And thanks for the rest. I really appreciate hearing how the courts will see it.

 

[followthestar]

@memrin At that age my kids would get upset and would just be “different” after FaceTiming either parent. Could be fine one day and then an emotional wreck the next. I think back off. Ask for a photo and an update to come through instead at some stage of the stay. Just something super quick and not too crazy. Like “hey little Tommy loved the park today and could do the monkey bars on his own. Add photo. If you start doing this it might happen easily for your other parent.

 

[ian74]

@followthestar I like this idea! We often role model for behaviours we expect in our kids but I never thought about trying it on my coparent! Thanks - gives me something to think about.

 

[andrewkl]

@memrin What is current parenting plan/how much time do you have? How old is your child?

 

[memrin]

@andrewkl He’s 5. It’s 50/50

 

[andrewkl]

@memrin When my SO was on 50/50 with a 2/2/3 split, phone calls and/FT didn’t happen on the other parents parenting time unless there was a big event like first day of school, first day of swim lessons, etc. (Yes, I’m the SM) Their agreement was to not disturb the other’s parenting time unless it was something significant. SO now has 100% which is a totally different story, but even when BM calls now (and no she doesn’t arrange times just calls) if the kids are involved in something (drawing, legos, etc) it’s a struggle to get them to stop and talk.

 

[memrin]

@andrewkl So, I’d agree that some kids and families do that and it’s fine. I originally didn’t call when the split happened but then my kid said it made him feel like I didn’t want him. So I started, and took his requests into consideration about how often. Then when the tv happened, talked with him about if he needed contact and he said yes (dad doesn’t give a lot of nurturing and our kid is used to a fair amount). So that’s what’s getting me, but it seems like I should let it go and just support my kid through yet another thing his dad took away without warning or negotiating.

ETA - I’ve always scheduled my calls too. I think it’s rude to not do that and that’s just asking to be ignored.

 

[andrewkl]

@memrin The scheduling and then not answering and/or kid is busy thing would bug me especially if it’s agreed to in advance. When SO schedules the call (ie he texts her and says the kids will call Saturday between 8:45-9:00, does that work for you?), he goes out of his way to make sure they don’t get involved in something that can’t be paused. They are still really young (1st grade), so their concept of time is more like it’s 3 episodes of Bluey. Otherwise, BM just calls when she has time and it makes it more difficult to get them in a “talk on the phone” mode. I know all these situations are so different depending on the relationship and the kid’s needs. Maybe ask your lawyer about set times to call that could be included. SO is also currently redoing his parent plan and basic amount of calls and pre-arranging those calls are included. She may not agree, but for SO I know he wants it in place so he isn’t the “bad guy” for not answering when the kids are in the middle of something. (BM has a habit of calling while the kids are at gymnastics or in the middle of dinner, so times are important for SO). Hate your little one feels this way! One thing my SO did while on 50/50 was went to school and had lunch with them once a week (pre-arranged so both Bios didn’t show). Would that be something you could do with pre-k?

 

[andrewkl]

@memrin I also know this was a LONG response. I think there’s part of me that is also triggered from my ex in your post that seems like your ex agrees to something and then flips the script. It’s super manipulative and I hate for anyone to experience that type of treatment.

 

[memrin]

@andrewkl I super duper appreciate your long post. I’m glad someone called out my ex is being manipulative - I’ve wondered. He often agrees and then flips (for example in summer we both agreed to no candy outside of dinner and now candy for breakfast with zero communication and if I bring it up, I’m controlling).

Set times is probably the best thing if I can get it, and I’m well aware kid will hang up. That’s fine - I just want to send the message I’m thinking of him and here if he wants. I hope your SO can get that too - it’s unreasonable to be painted as a bad guy when someone calls during gymnastics or out of the blue and hopes to have time.

Thank you so much. It means a lot to hear someone catching the shit my ex doing. And I’ll look into lunches too! I didn’t think of that, especially for kinder.

 

[jlamb1]

@memrin Completely agree with poster acan..... and right off the hop I saw exactly what was happening re these calls. I respectfully understand and appreciate what the other posters are saying and it is valid to some degree but I believe that they are not looking at the entire picture here and I say that with the utmost respect towards their input.

Even on 50/50 BOTH PARTIES should have the right to calls if they desire and it MUST be in the Court Order too to not deal with these issues and remove the issues.

Get an Order ie both parties have the right to call child on Sunday between X time and X time and also on Wednesday ( or whatever date) in this window. Child is being manipulated into not speaking with you and it WILL GET WORSE if not stopped cold.

My child is 7 and this has been an ongoing issue even with a Court Order as mom keeps breaching Order re calls but I talk to our son on these days and even though it is a 15 minute call that is Ordered I do not care if it is shorter because he is 7 and will age as we all do. My goal is to counter the attempted parential alienation that has been going on since birth.

I cannot stress enough to advise lawyer to get very specific Court Orders on this and other issues.

 

[jlamb1]

Also imho forget about the candy, breakfast and communication, it should be done on a parenting app and the parenting time should obviously be respected as my parenting time my rules.

 

[memrin]

@jlamb1 Thanks for telling me your opinion. It’s what I’ve been thinking but it’s hard for me to believe people are like that. I appreciate including the time allowed too, because that could be an issue later. I like that you’re flexible enough to let your son go shorter - it sounds like he has a great dad on his side. I hope things get better for you.

I agree about letting the other things go as best I can too. I haven’t brought up that I know about the candy for breakfast nor the 1+ hours of tv every morning and night, and I won’t. I might be dumb, but not that dumb.

 

[jlamb1]

@memrin Thanks very much and yeah 100% I usually distract him from his mothers distractions but I follow the Order and hence why a comprehensive very detailed Order is best.

Even this past week the alarm went off on my phone ie "child's name" phone call in 15 minutes, and he saw it on my phone and he knows that this day this time we have a call.

These things left alone imho can easily be zero phone time in the future with these alienation concept parents who literally stop at nothing to alienate in any way.