Child texting co parent

[neogaia777]

Child, who is 9 and has had a phone for a little over a year now. I did not have anything to do with it, it was a Xmas gift at other parent’s house. I’m pretty against it because they are 9 and they can always call from my phone. It’s not just used for calls and texts but apps, but I digress and let them have it.

Today got a little intense with them being loud and it was a lot of energy so I snapped and made them take a break and go in their rooms. As soon as I snapped, 9yo texts co parent. Their younger sibling also ended up hitting my spouse in the face on accident due to getting off the bed. It was a lot of noise and a lot of happenings all within a 5 min span.

Onto the texting, basically 9yo “tattled” on me. I looked at the texts and it was confirmed, it’s so frustrating.

Me and the coparent have a contentious relationship. I know that anything our kids say could potentially be used against me. Any chance they get, they will send an angry worded email saying I need to stop being mean to the kids. I’m not mean! I’m just being their parent.

Should I say something to 9yo? Not like “you shouldn’t text the other parent” they can do that, and that’d be rude to hinder that. More so like, like I understand you were upset but why text the other parent? It’s touchy because they favor the other parent and I’m not the default parent, so it’s a fine line. Ugh I hate this.

 

[giddyelf]

@neogaia777 I would shift the focus when you talk to your child. Something like, “I understand you were upset with me for sending you to your room. It’s okay for you to be upset with me. I want to talk about what we can do in the future if one of us is upset by something the other did. Let’s make a plan for how we will resolve conflicts in this house…”

Then discuss how it’s okay to get another person’s opinion on a situation, but we have to be conscious of what we’re saying and why we’re saying it. Give a funny example, like, “if I was really mad at aunt Jane for taking the last cookie, what should I do?”

I wouldn’t even refer to the texts. Just keep the focus on how we should handle conflict appropriately and when to ask an outsider for advice vs. when to approach the person directly.

 

[joeysoley]

@giddyelf This is it. You really don’t want your coparent being able to go into court with the argument you’re telling your children not to tell them things.

 

[neogaia777]

@joeysoley It wouldn’t ever be that, that’s why I’m trying to figure out what exactly to say. Because yes, I agree that is a bad look on me.

 

[nnhust]

@giddyelf I think this is probably the best solution for OP, just practice how you want to talk to your child when conflict happens so you can have a calm discussion with them about how to resolve the conflict. That will help build your relationship with them so they know you are a safe space for them and then maybe they won’t feel the need to “tattle” on you. If the child is calling the other parent because they want to go to their house you can just explain to the child that they don’t get to make that choice just because they are mad at one parent. But if it’s just that OP is worried about how the other parent will react, well OP just needs to learn to not be bothered by that. A judge isn’t going ti award one parent more custody because the other parent was just being a parent.

 

[neogaia777]

@nnhust Ha thanks, I think there’s plenty I’d roll my eyes at with coparent and how they coparent on their time.

 

[nelnel]

@giddyelf This!!!!!

If you bring up anything along the lines of texting, only bring it up with the other adult (coparent). You’ll worry about what goes on in your home and leave their home to be theirs. Only interfere when there are actual dangers involved.

 

[noemnell]

@neogaia777 We have this in our home except with a smartwatch. If it becomes a big distraction, you are allowed to ask that the device not be sent to your house or put it up and away while they’re in your home and then they can take it back with them when it’s time to go to the other parents. Good luck!

 

[uli]

@neogaia777 It’s your decision whether to allow the phone at your home or what limits you put on it. I don’t think it’s healthy to say that they should keep secrets from their other parent or say that the child shouldn’t ask for help, that could have more far reaching consequences. Regardless, I don’t think texts from a child could really be held against you. I think that would backfire on the other parent.

 

[neogaia777]

@uli I don’t want them to keep secrets either. It’s more so that the parent will jump down my throat about things the kids have said. I’m already sensitive from some other things that happened with coparent the past week, so who knows if what I’m feeling right now would be relevant if the other stuff hadn’t happened.

 

[uli]

@neogaia777 I totally feel you, for sure!! Phones are really hard. I worry about my kid not having a phone/watch that can call/text only, simply for emergencies.

 

[earthly0upe]

@neogaia777 I would try to ignore it when he says something. Grey rock approach. It's hard.

 

[jakerevj]

@neogaia777 No advice other than it only gets worse. My 13 year old just went to live with his dad over crap like this. I wish you the best, it’s hard.

 

[brz44mi]

@jakerevj Yup. My 17 yo stepdaughter will contact her HCBM any time her dad pisses her off. Once recently it was because dad wouldn’t make Mac and cheese for dinner. She knows HCBM will side with her and come to her rescue, declaring dad a total douchebag, even over macaroni and cheese.

 

[aedge]

@brz44mi Goddamn. This will be my future. I hate knowing that.

 

[neogaia777]

@brz44mi Oh the horror! Can’t wait for teenagers

 

[brz44mi]

@neogaia777 I used to teach high school. I love teenagers. They are also by and large enormous self-centered hormonal douchebags. Even my favorite students made me groan on more than one occasion. Can’t avoid it. Fun, right?

 

[neogaia777]

@brz44mi I remember being that way, so I will hopefully keep that in mind when it gets there. Pray for us

 

[neogaia777]

@jakerevj Thank you. I already see that potentially happening.

Con parent (ha auto correct, meant CO parent, but I’ll keep it ) does their best to do the minimum to support my relationship with the kids. Which is fine. I do what I can.

 

[kevin__huang]

@neogaia777 You can certainly rule that she is not allowed to have a phone during your PT. But you can’t allow the phone with the exception that she can’t text her mom on it. It’s one or the other.