Child’s Birthday Party Approaching - Invite Toxic Ex and Her Toxic Friends?

[flowerinthefield]

Title sums it up, and this is a legitimate question.

For those seeking more information:

1. Child is going to be 8. I have paid for every party previously (they’ve been expensive and essentially large social qualifying events for the mother).
2. Mother and I have both attended child’s parties in the past and invited friends.
3. Relationship with mother (never married) has devolved from strained to zero to highly toxic and combative. We do not speak, she has disengaged from coparenting. During this time she insisted on drawing “battle lines,” and engaged in an extensive smear campaign, of which I am very aware. For example, trashing me to the moms of child’s friends, and literally forcing them to pick a side, or else kids can’t play together. The dads don’t get involved because they don’t want to upset the moms. Middle ground moms don’t want to upset the kids’ relationships, so just act agreeable and follow my child’s mom’s orders.
4. In light of 3, child’s mom controls attendance of the party by default, so (as happened last year), if mom doesn’t play an active role in the birthday party, many/most of child’s friends won’t attend - or the families won’t even respond.
5. In light of 4, I have played along for my child’s benefit and paid for and done the parties how mom wanted them for the sole purpose of child having the friends in attendance.
6. The birthday party situation has caused me great anxiety and emotional distress every year.
7. I have parenting time and birthday party this year, and a chance to make things different.

Should note I am sober and this is the first birthday party since I made that choice. (I never got in any trouble, no record, no violence, no DUI, just wanted a better, healthier life for me and my child.) I am actively trying to restructure my life around things that bring me true joy and peace.

What are some suggestions?

 

[yelllow_barbie]

@flowerinthefield You need to develop social groups for your child independent from your ex. Does your child have cousins their age on your side of the family? Sports or extracurriculars that you take them to? Play date friends from the park? I would keep mom out of the party and as far out of your lives as possible, and work on cultivating relationships and play groups outside of her sphere of influence. If the party is meant to be soon, consider a trip instead.

Generally a gray rock method is the best way to interact with a controlling individual, which means minimizing all possible interactions, and the ones that you do have are as emotionless and generic as possible. Look it up and find some techniques to help you navigate co-parenting.

 

[luthepisc]

@yelllow_barbie This.
Well said!

 

[flowerinthefield]

@yelllow_barbie Excellent advice, thank you!

I have been working on building new friend groups external of my child’s mom through school, church, extracurriculars, my family, and other activities. It’s a slow process, but we definitely have enough of a social network to have a small
and fun event of our own. Re: play dates, it’s more difficult as a single dad, but they are occurring.

I am in fact taking my child on a trip already bought the flights. He will remember this more than any party.

I have been implementing gray rock for almost a year. I learned ahead of time that when shifting this way with a narcissist to be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better. That’s part of why I went sober - to deal with this really rough situation as clear-headed as possible. I’m being constantly gaslit and forced to question myself, so it was important to have a very strong frame and identity, to withstand the onslaught of smearing and just horrible communication.

All that said, my choice to do my own party is likely to inflame this situation. It shouldn’t, but I know it will. The families that won’t even have a coffee with me certainly won’t now. But I ask myself, why would ai pay for an invite people who are so self-centered to an event that’s supposed to feel special?

 

[thoks]

@flowerinthefield Why would you invite your ex and her friends to a party you throw for your child?

eother throw a party for the child’s friends or one for your family and friends. If she wants to throw a party on her time, she is welcome to do so

 

[flowerinthefield]

@thoks Indeed - thanks for sharing. I’ve done this for 7 years and it’s not helped anything get “better.” I’ve pretty much decided I will do my own party with my child, and the mom can do hers if she wants, just like every other holiday.

 

[thoks]

@flowerinthefield i think it would be more important to your child at this age to have your child’s friends at a party. Once my kids were in school, it became a party for their friends. maybe The next day invite close family and friends for cake.

 

[flowerinthefield]

@thoks Right, and my child will have a party with school and other friends at a cool spot (a restaurant I am partnered with), a magician and then possibly the beach afterward or something.

I’m not suggesting no party. I’m questioning if it’s the right decision to stand up for myself and my boundaries (not invite mom and her toxic friends, and by extension their kids, who hang with my child but only when with mom).

 

[noname5137]

@flowerinthefield No advice on the party- just wanted to say- good on you for choosing a better/healthier life for you and your child. It’s not easy, but it’s so worth it! IWNDWYT!

 

[flowerinthefield]

@noname5137 Thank you! Life is hard enough on its own - no need to make it harder. Kinda nuked my social life, but don’t care.

IWNDWYT!

 

[noname5137]

@flowerinthefield As a mom- my social life was nuked during pregnancy

 

[flowerinthefield]

I guess my point is I will never get to do things with my child and child’s closest friends again if I don’t invite them. We don’t now either, though. So

Just feels like some really silly blackmail.