Can you relate?

D

ddf92156

New member
Hi dads,

I'm a single 23m whose never been in a relationship before and have developed some novel feelings over the past few months. I'm not sure exactly when it started but I have two striking experiences. A few months ago I went to a zoo with my mom and sister and I got more joy out of people watching the young, happy families than from the zoo itself and, more recently, I babysat a friend's 1yo daughter for the first time. That experience made me think about how adorable their little family is and how much I can't imagine not having that in the future. Now I catch myself daydreaming about family and crying at any mention of kids whether in a loving or tragic light.

So am I going insane or what lol
 
@ddf92156 This is why all kids should be given/allowed to dramatic play with dolls because it’s very normal for boys/men to also dream about having kids and families of their own
 
@malaps Insane is an exaggeration, but it seems kinda weird how sudden it was. As in I'm suddenly on my own supporting myself 1000 miles from home and months later I feel an urge to build a life with someone.
 
@ddf92156 Life can be odd like that. Despite really liking kids for many years, working with them (I am a child protection lawyer), I didn’t really want any myself. In part, in hindsight, I had somewhat of a challenging childhood and the whole idea wasn’t easy for me. But I met the woman I later married and it was like a switch went off in my head. I kept the magnitude of it to myself until she was ready :) but lol turns out I could have mentioned it sooner. She was kinda on the same page.
 
@malaps Ha that's awesome!

Actually reminds me of epigenetics now that I'm thinking about it. How changes in circumstances can cause new genes to express themselves and change your nature so to speak.
 
@ddf92156 About the "never been in a relationship before" part:

I've been there. 23 actually isn't that old to have never been in a relationship despite how the media makes it seem. I'm not sure what the things are that have stopped you so far, but it's not a race. Here are a few guesses and potential solutions, but any or all of them might not actually apply to you.

You are off-putting to people/women. This happens to a lot of young men that think they are nice and smart and should be desirable. Instead of trying to get people to notice your good traits, focus on being helpful whenever you can. Being a good person does require some sacrifice that may not be obvious. Put in the work even when nobody's looking. Help others, but also work on yourself. No matter how awesome you think you are, you can get better. When you do find a partner, she'll probably have a lot of constructive criticisms. Take them to heart, and don't get defensive.

Your standards are too high. The person you are likely to wind up with is not likely to be super beautiful. Even to you. You are unlikely to even be happy in a relationship with someone who is noticeably more desirable than you anyway.

You are too particular. You want someone that satisfies a lot of criteria. But every criterion you add shrinks the pool of possible mates. This shrinkage is exponential. You are likely to have to make many compromises, and you are likely to find out that some of your prior criteria were not actually things you wanted after all.

You are short. If you are short, look for women that are cool with that. Shorter women are more likely to be cool with that. Many women don't care about height, but it's a deal breaker for many women. If they aren't in to you because of your height, that's ok, you have things that are deal breakers for you too.

You are ugly. 10% of men are 1's. But it turns out, there's a lot you can do. Lose weight, exercise, eat better, wear clean and newer clothes. You expect a woman to take care of herself. Take care of yourself. If you're still ugly after that, don't worry, you can still probably find someone to be happy with. Many women are simply less concerned with looks, and many great women are also 1's.

You are depressed. Depression is a legitimate problem, and there are things that can make you feel better if not snap you right out of it---exercise, therapy, creative flow, and antidepressants are some options. There's no shame in antidepressants or therapy. They can be a lifesaver. But you have to get better before you get into a relationship.

Whatever the cause, don't pick a woman and then try to get her. The crush thing is unlikely to work. For the most part, there's not much you can do to make a woman like you if she already has decided she doesn't.
 
@mary_1019 I think I just never cared enough to try. In high school I was scared and broke, in college I was scared and busy, and now I'm just scared but I suddenly care.

But thank you, I'll think about this a lot more.
 
@ddf92156 Honestly man, I was about your age the first time I felt a desire to have a kid. I was in college walking through the parking lot and I saw some professor was walking his 3 year old daughter through the parking lot. For a few seconds my heart melted and I couldn’t wait to be a dad - I knew at that moment my days of drunken debauchery were limited and I’d be a dad some day. Now 10 years later I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old.

As for you never having been in a relationship, I’d recommend working on being the best version of yourself. Hit the gym, find some fun hobbies, and join some activities for young people (like kickball or rock climbing or something like that) where you can meet people.

Good luck man, you’ll be a good dad someday 😃
 
@ddf92156 Totally normal. And it will all come in time. Don't rush into a relationship and kids at the first opportunity. It's a tough ride even when the foundation is strong, so make sure the foundation is there

Also, yes, toddlers are seriously cute, but come on! Surely the Meerkats at the zoo were cuter
 
@katrina2017 Agreed, one of my roommate's friends from high school rushed to kids in his first serious relationship and from what I hear it's a total disaster whereas the friend who has the one year old told me how much searching he did and how it's all been worth it to have a relationship where he isn't anxious all the time like he was in a previous long term relationship.

P.S. iirc the meerkats weren't out 🙈
 
@ddf92156 Not at all man, some people are just good at being parents or caring people. I'm the same way now and I have an 11 year old. When I see little kids I miss when my son was little and sometimes wish for more kids?you would make a great dad)
 
@ddf92156 I realized I wanted a kid the time I saw a 3/4 year old girl looking cute af with pony tails and pink dress and all and walking next to her dad. I wanted a daughter ever since and got her in march this year.

This is why I find every time someone asks me "hey you really wanted a boy right?" really, really weird.
 
@ddf92156 I started wanting kids around that age but it took a while to get myself to the point where I could manage the relationship stuff; in retrospect, I had some stuff to work through. It took time, but I got there.

You are capable, but it will require some work and compromise and if you put the cart before the horse (desire for family before your relationships), you're going to struggle. I did some volunteering with kids to get my fix, which also improved me as a person and gave me something to talk about with women. I'd consider it if I were you. Good luck.
 
@ddf92156 Nah nothing wrong with you at all, before having my kid becoming a father was always an important life step for me.

I think the concept of men wanting to have kids is often downplayed in society (thus you questioning if its normal), but I think its wrong to downplay it and you'll likely see more of a shift in the next decade or two.

I wish you all the best in the future and I hope life leads you to having kids of your own one day.
 
@ddf92156 Nope, this is totally normal and awesome, too. Always good to see men be eager and happy parents.

My only advice is to not rush it, you're young and have time - when you find someone get yourselves as ready as you can (financially, emotionally, relationship-py), before having kids. Seeing families at their best is great, but be careful not to romanticize parenting. here is a small sampling of the things i have said in just the past few days (hopefully this doesn't pour too much cold water on your dreams):

"Please stop sneezing boogers on to my face."

"Close the door."

"Poop only goes in toilets."

"Close the door, please."

"Use tissues to blow your nose, not my shirt."

"Please, close the door!"

"We don't taunt each other, especially not with our genitals."

"For the love of all that is true and holy, close the door!"

This is a very small, yet very accurate, sample of life with a 3 and 6 year old. It is lovely, it is messy, it is gross, it is annoying, and it is joyful. Good luck!
 
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