Can you have a strong attachment if you bottle feed? Feeling sad and insecure.

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fanatical4christ

New member
I was severely depressed for a while for not breastfeeding. I was haunted by thought I wasn’t bonding with baby as much as other moms. Having to make my baby wait while crying for the bottle to warm killed me. I exclusively pump and while that in itself is whole other exhausting story, I slowly came to peace with everything.

I’m 6.5 months pp and I still pump and take on all the night feedings (since in my mind, if I were breastfeeding, thats what I would have been doing anyway). I recently started reading more about secure attachment. One thing that worries me is baby rarely smiles at me. He erupts in giggles at daddy, smiles constantly with grandma, but rarely cracks a smile with me.

I know people say it’s because “you’re just momma” or “babies don’t know you’re a different person,” but I have a hard time believing that because I read about so many breastfeeding moms saying their babies are so attached to them, only want them, cry when anyone else holds them, etc.

I KNOW it’s healthy that he has bonds with other people, but I guess selfishly I would have loved for me to be his favorite during this one short period of his life. It would have made me feel like I did something right when I already feel so awful about so many things. In the first couple months postpartum, I was recovering from an emergency c section and pumping around the clock. My husband did all the night feedings and diaper changes. I feel I missed out on some kind of essential bond in the early days, and baby was always calmer and less fussy around husband. I couldn’t even use the excuse that he was fussier around me due to breastfeeding / being his food source. He’s happy around both of us now, but definitely shows no preference for me.

Just feeling sad again because I’m feeling like not breastfeeding affected his attachment. There are so many “what ifs” running through my mind. I also of course worry about the time taken away from him from me pumping and needing to rest from being so tired. Just really struggling and looking for some reassurance or shared experiences.
 
@fanatical4christ I had to give up breastfeeding because my baby wasn't gaining enough weight. She's 2.5 now and up my butt all day haha.

You absolutely do not have to breastfeed or pump to have a beautiful attachment with your baby. Just be present and let yourself enjoy your kiddo. The giggles will come
 
@fanatical4christ I breastfeed my baby. He doesn't really want me - he wants my breasts. He is 7.5 months old and laughs with his dad, not me. Give them some time, the older they get, the more they understand the world and people around then. You are doing a great job pumping and feeding him. You are a great mom!
 
@fanatical4christ I have a similar journey to you, I tried breastfeeding but it didn't work out for us so I exclusively pumped starting at 1.5 weeks pp. I felt so guilty for a long time, like I failed. It took me a while to come to terms with how everything went. I weaned at 6 months and baby has been getting formula since then - turns out he won't take thawed breast milk and doesn't mind the formula. He's thriving either way.

My baby is now 10 months old and most definitely securely attached to me. For a while it seemed like he preferred dad, same as with you, he would laugh and giggle and goof around with dad but be neutral with me. Give it some more time. Right now it changes day by day, some days he has to follow dad around wherever he goes, sometimes he reaches for me when dad is holding him, and we both can make him laugh.

You didn't fail your baby, you didn't mess up your attachment, your baby loves you and just doesn't know how to show it yet. A secure attachment comes from being there for your baby, comforting them, interacting with them, talking to them and cuddling them, not from how you feed them.
 
@fanatical4christ I’m sorry you’re feeling so down about this. But you’re beating yourself up over “what-ifs.” There’s no way to know if your baby would act any differently towards you if you had fed him directly from the breast. It sounds like you’re doing a really good job and you love your son. That’s what matters. My best advice is stay off the internet. Everyone and their mother is a parenting expert online and doom scrolling about this will only make you feel worse. Have you considered counseling to work through these emotions?
 
@fanatical4christ Aww 😭 I feel this so much, your post is really taking me back and making me emotional! My kiddo is almost 3 now and the older they get the more they show that kind of direct and clear love. There’s soooo much pressure when they’re babies and it’s so hard. You’re doing amazing.

First I want to say that babies smiling and giggling - i really think they do that more with people they don’t know because they’re so overwhelmed. It’s like an insane amount of stimulation for their little brain and those giggles and smiles are like at least half just pure overwhelm. One of my first times seeing my nephew when he was a newborn he was like full on laughing and my brother and SIL we like “what the heck he’s never done that before”. But he didn’t know me at all! It’s just excitement at the novelty, not happiness or love. It’s like screaming on a rollercoaster lol.

As far as fussiness goes, I will also say that as the mom, your child will always save their biggest emotional outbursts for you because you are their safe person. It’s so challenging but also so special. It’s bittersweet to see your child be so happy and well-behaved with others just to lose it with you, but it really means the world to your baby. They know you’ll love them and take care of them no matter what, they don’t have to please you for them to get that love.

Missing night feedings is ok. Bottle feeding is ok. Truly. Your baby is loved and loves you. Give it all the affection and attention and care you can muster but taking breaks for yourself or having bumps in the road is inevitable and your baby will still love you.

I think honestly you’re still in the thick of it. It sounds like you might have some PPD or PPA. It’s so hard, it just is. ❤️ but you got it. If you aren’t talking to anyone or getting treatment that might be something to consider.
 
@fanatical4christ My husband definitely neither breastfed or helped with feeding in any way (expect keeping me fed) and today it doesn’t matter one bit to our 22-month daughter who is so secure, smart and confident for her age. She adores her dad.

It’s obvious that you have a very strong attachment to your baby. THAT is the best predictor for having a child that is later securely attached.
 
@fanatical4christ I felt similar and thought my baby doesn't care about me, but loves other people. But after he became more "his own self", more independant, somewhere after 1 years old, oh boy it all changed. I'm his go-to person for everything now. Sometimes I miss going to the toilet alone or eating in peace but I try to enjoy it cause I know in a few years he'll grow tired of me. 😂
 
@fanatical4christ I had a low supply during the first few weeks and struggled a lot with this, so I do get it. But by now (LO is 20 months old) I can't even count how many times I read similar stories like yours in this sub and there are always moms (that never or just for a very short time breastfed) saying: attachment is what you make it!

I used to worry so so much about our attachment, for various reasons. And honestly it only got better (the worrying) after I started getting treated for postpartum depression and I am currently in therapy for postpartum anxiety which also helps a lot. Maybe you should look into that. In my case, most worries are just not there anymore now and I am sure that's because of the treatment and help I got.

Take care of yourself!
 
@fanatical4christ Didn’t breastfeed. Had absolutely no desire to and we bottle fed as soon as she came out in the hospital. I never for a second felt like either of us weren’t attached. She’s 3 in June and I wouldn’t be able to tell you if it mattered or not cause we’re tight as fuck 🤷🏻‍♀️
 
@fanatical4christ So sorry you’re feeling like this. Me and my daughter are very bonded and I struggled with BF, combo fed and eventually transitioned to all formula. You are an awesome mom already, you love your baby and you care. I’ll tell you that once I started forgiving myself for not being the perfect breast feeder, I started smiling more and baby started smiling at me more. Please be kind to yourself. You owe it to your baby!
 
@fanatical4christ I could not breastfeed so I pumped for 7 months, I was able to produce about 40% of the milk my baby needed, and the rest was formula; all of it we gave it to him via bottle.

My son has an amazing attachment to me and his dad (my husband). My baby is on speech therapy and the therapist has commented several times on our attachment, how secure it seems; since she meets a lot of families every week and is able to see the differences when the attachment is not proper.

What matters is that you are there for your baby: they can feel who really “sees” them and supports their needs with respect and love.
Just the fact that you are asking this question here reveals that you are an amazing mom!!!
 
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