Calling Step-Grandparent by First Name

[jojaseto]

I (22M) have had full legal guardianship of my 13 year old nephew for a bit over 2 years now, for reasons of abuse and neglect. My father (step in legal terms) has been in my life since I was 7 or 8, and therefore has been in my family longer than my 13 year old nephew. However, he refuses to call my father "Grandpa" or even his grandfather because he was "raised not to refer to step family as family". He's called him "Grandpa" in the past. He calls a dog his brother. My father is hurt by my nephew refusing to call him his grandfather even though he's been the only grandfather this kid has ever had, and has been in his life since the very beginning. I find it to be rude to call him by his first name. Would it be appropriate to disallow him from calling his grandfather by his first name given the (legal) step relationship given I believe it's rude and hurtful?

EDIT: As a further note, my dad has never hurt him. Ever. He's never even been alone with him. I also have had guardianship of his 16 year old sister for the same amount of time and she always calls him Grandpa. He cites that it makes him uncomfortable but I think brief discomfort while he gets used to it is more than worth not being rude or exclusionary to family that's been around longer than he has.

My dad hasn't mentioned his hurt to me personally. He's shy. He has mentioned it to my mother who mentioned it to me. I tried to talk about it with my nephew but he is extremely averse to being anywhere outside of his comfort zone and has little social eptitude. He has a social skills therapist he sees twice a week.

 

[rooneysoccer]

@jojaseto He's a 13 year old kid who's had a rough time. The grandfather is an adult. Just let it go. The old man can still refer to him as his grandson. Let the boy grow up a bit. If nobody makes a big deal of it, it will cease to be an issue and allow for the evolution of a good relationship. This is not a hill to die on. Cheers

 

[drriversong]

@jojaseto Forcing him to call someone grandfather when he doesn't want to or feels that at this time won't accomplish anything. It's the same as forcing children to call a stepparent mom or dad. In the end it will lead to more of a rift instead of bringing people closer.
If first name is off the table you could opt for Mr or Mr .

 

[jojaseto]

@drriversong In this case that he's been his grandfather his entire life, and he's known him his entire life and has called him Grandpa in the past, I think it's more like calling his biological grandmother by her first name, which he doesn't do. It's impersonal and exclusionary.

 

[starrfairy]

@jojaseto He's a kid with trauma trying to control something in his life when so much is out of his control. It's really not about your father. Try not to take it personally. Doubling down on this will not help

It's hurtful when a kid tells you you're the meanest parent ever, or that they hate you. This is normal early teen behavior even without trauma. You just say back calmly, "Well Iay not be too happy with that the moment, but I love you always.'

Kids who have experienced abandonment and abuse are going to push and behave ugly to get the people who care for them to abandon them sooner rather than later. They expect it to happen again. But they desperately want you to show them unconditional love.

This is not about your father, it's about the kid's trauma. Yes, it hurty adults feelings because we're only human. But we have the cognitive development and emotional intelligence take our ego out of the picture.

Advise your dad to tell him he can call him whatever he wants, because it won't change the fact that he is family and he is loved.

 

[davis18]

@jojaseto You have a child in your care who has already suffered abuse and neglect and …. This is the worry?

If he called your stepdad “grandpa” before I’m guessing it may have been before he established what those “family” words mean to him. Now that he’s let you know his feelings, respect them.

 

[aweshum]

@jojaseto He is setting a boundary and testing you. This is a good sign of there has been abuse. Also long as it is not slurs, then I see problem. Also talk to your dad about it, your nephews knows your dad will not abuse him else he would not dare calling him anything else.

My kid called me, her mother, different names even my first name. She got bored with it and have been mom since. The most memorable was pineapple.

 

[funemma]

@jojaseto I absolutely agree with the other comments. I will add a couple of things.

Your nephew has obviously been through some traumatic times. He had 10 -11 years of his parents (Mom/Dad, maybe both), insisting that step relatives aren't "real" relatives. Even though his parents may not have treated him the best, that's still been ingrained in him. That'd be like a kid being raised to believe any one of the phobias are normal (homophobic, transphobic, rasisism) and expecting you to be able to reverse it in 2 short years. Just because your father has been there for most of your life, it's only been 2 years for nephew with these norms. Maybe he feels like he's being disloyal to his parents by changing.

I saw a vid yesterday that basically said "it's not our kid's job to make our lives better, it's our job to make theirs better." I don't care how uncomfortable it makes you or your father, nephew isn't ready. He may never be ready, and that's ok.

 

[jojaseto]

@funemma He called him Grandpa when he was little as well, I think it was just in the last couple years with his parents, maybe less, that his mother/parents started intervening. The issue isn't feeling disloyal to his parents. Honestly, he's been doing a decent job at combatting what he's learned from them versus what's actually true and healthy. When it comes to social relationships, though, he's borderline antisocial, and hasn't been able to keep a friend ever as far as I'm aware. I don't want to encourage that by tolerating him pushing people away. I'd rather educate him on how to make and maintain prosocial relationships, and I don't think excluding people as family members is a good start. I could deal with him referring to my dad by his first name if he even considered him his grandfather.

My nephew has a history of losing relationships fast due to being a bully, then claiming those people bullied him. When I first got him, he was shoving himself in lockers and claiming bullies were doing it. I can't excuse bad behavior due to a bad history. That mentality is the only reason his behavior has been improving. I don't know how much of this is actual discomfort or how much of it is that same behavior of trying to push people away in an unhealthy manner and separate himself from as many people as possible. He's talked, at length and not jokingly, about living in the woods and never talking to a person ever again. Not so much recently, but it used to be daily regardless of how much I did not engage. Which is why I say that I believe temporary discomfort is not as important as doing something that's in his power to maintain a prosocial relationship as opposed to trying, whether consciously or not, to sever it.

 

[funemma]

@jojaseto I'm glad to hear he's making some progress, he's obviously been through a lot of trauma. I can only imagine. It's gotta be pretty bad to be removed from his parent's care, typically that's the last thing that the agencies want.

I'm certainly not a therapist, but it sounds like he's hurting people, before they hurt him. Grandpa is probably no exception. He put his trust in his parents, and who knows whom else, and they let him down. He doesn't want to get close to others so they don't hurt him too.

How to fix it? Honestly it's probably going to be a long road, with lots of therapy. If he isn't already in therapy, that would my first priority, for him and his sister.

 

[jojaseto]

@funemma He was out of school in a day treatment center for all of 6th grade and currently has 3-4 hours or so of therapy / skills work per week. My niece "graduated" from weekly therapy to biweekly therapy and took a bit of a break, but she asked to start again so we are doing that.

That's precisely what he does, whether or not he realizes it. I just want to discourage it so he has a chance at having positive relationships in his life, and I worry that allowing him to deny family members as being family is going to hurt that, in addition to being hurtful for the family member. Again, my dad never complained to me about it, so it's more about teaching my nephew what constitutes prosocial behavior than it is about sparing my dad's feelings.

 

[funemma]

@jojaseto I hear ya. Is there any way you can talk to his therapist and let them know you've noticed this pattern and see if it's something they can add to his treatment plan? It's got to be awful hard on nephew living like that. Unfortunately he may never be comfortable calling Dad Grampa. Maybe with time, he can come up with a special or different name that's somewhere in the middle, or even Grandpa Name.

I get that you're trying to push him, but there's a lot more at play here than just "he won't call him Grandpa" I'd hate for you to push too hard and inadvertently undo the work that he has done.

I just wanted to say good on your niece for putting the work in and having the ability to recognize that there's more to do, whatever that is for her. It sounds like you're doing great too!

 

[jahred]

@jojaseto children, especially in rough life situations.. shouldn’t be forced to call family members anything. feeling hurt about it is one thing but there needs to be a respect for the child. adult feelings don’t matter more than a child’s. this child sounds like they have enough going on in their life. i doubt they need to add something ridiculous to the list like what they refer to their family member as.

 

[galactic_wolf]

@jojaseto My husband calls all his grandparents/aunts/uncles by their first name. It's not disrepectful, it's their name.