Baby fever is so strong b/c it's the 1 thing I know I can do right

[jasonvr]

TLDR at bottom.

I've been realizing this lately. My baby fever comes at times when I dont have a lot going on or when I'm super stressed/feeling like a failure.

I know I can be a good mom. I've babysat, I've worked at a daycare for 8-11 1-2 yr olds, I have 3 siblings, I've had younger siblings/cousins I've watched over, a couple summers I was the only daily babysitter for my niece/nephew. I've volunteered at churches' daycares all through pre-teens and HS.

Im used to problem solving and adapting. I've waited this long because I wanted to be in the best place for kids. But it's truly been consuming. I had barely any plans set up, because I always assumed it would happen, somehow.

It doesn't help my mom always wanted to be a SAHM and never did and still has resentment to my dad for it, so I subconsciously always wanted to do that. Even in college I got an Asoociates in Gen Studies because I was uncertain of my future.

I've went through so many career dreams (marine biologist, veterinarian, social worker/psychiatrist, freelance artist, moving up in my warehouse), and now... being a programmer. I've never felt such a click though and I think thats the biggest difference. I know the stereotypically "my success will be built on my failures" dig and Im trying to focus on that.

Its always been something my confidence can fall back on. And idk. It's just a realization I guess. Through all the uncertainty of my life, this has been my main 100% Im gonna make it happen.

Does that make sense lmao?​

TLDR: I know I'd be a good mom, it would bring me so much confidence to finally be able to exact the skills I've learned into my own kiddos. And waiting for the confidence fucking sucks, especially when I see much younger & under-prepared ppl popping out kids. Baby fever always comes when my life is quiet & I have no drive for anything else or when I feel like a failure. Because it's the one fucking thing I know I can do right. I've read the books, had a shitload of experience, I am so prepared. I just don't have a career (who knows how long) or house (same because MARKET). But regardless of the time it takes, it's 100% the thing that drives me because I KNOW it's going to happen.

 

[df80]

@jasonvr I realized the exact same thing recently, that basically whenever I'm feeling bored/stressed/unfulfilled about my work situation, I start daydreaming about staying home and having a baby instead lol. I had the same experience as you growing up, lots of helping out family with little kids and definitely more confidence in that area than work sometimes. I'm also a programmer and while it's interesting and can be fulfilling, it's not like my life's calling or anything, so the baby fever just keeps creeping up in the down times lol

 

[jasonvr]

@df80 Im in that limbo place where I just don't know of im good enough for anything else.

I want to be a programmer so badly, I have terrible imposter syndrome where I feel like I'm just kidding myself with being good at anything. Else despite loving school and enjoying learning programming.

I appreciate your response c:

 

[df80]

@jasonvr I feel that. I actually was going to change majors in college because I was so sure I wasn't good enough to do computer science, and my advisor had to talk me out of it lol. I've been in my career for 7 years now and had multiple promotions and raises, yet I'm still struggling (especially this week for some reason) with feeling like I'm not actually good at my job. Therapy helps, but sometimes our brains just don't wanna cooperate and it does suck.

 

[jasonvr]

@df80 Thank you for saying it out loud. It makes me feel less crazy. I've read some articles and listened to podcasts about specifically women in CS and so many of us have imported syndrome. I fucking hate it. I have it with art as well.

Idk where it comes from but its ridiculous. So many men strut around with no problem at all applying for jobs outside of their requirements and so many women/people barely feel good enough for the jobs they're actively doing.

I've been in warehouse for 2 years and feel like I'm fooling everyone vs the fact that I'm an actually good worker.

 

[df80]

@jasonvr Yeah, in my field there's so many men who just boldly go into every situation with the utmost confidence despite having no experience or ability to back it up lol. I figure if I have any ability at all, I'm ahead of them and deserve to put forth at least some of that confidence.

 

[katrina2017]

@jasonvr Extremely relatable. Sometimes I really think I need to have a baby to feel a sense of purpose - one I’m not getting in my social life, career and otherwise. Living the same day over and over at my 9-5 isn’t always motivation enough to get up in the morning lol.

 

[jasonvr]

@katrina2017 I feel this so much.

Having fish and a dog helped but damn. I dream of waking up to a crying baby who just needs me and my adoring husband to live each day.

It's such a weird desire I feel in my bones. Someone I dont have to prove myself to or defend my actions to. Someone who will accept my enough-ness because that's simply what I have to give.

No interviews. Minimal research (already done a fucking shit ton). Or at least research that matters.

Sigh.

 

[katrina2017]

@jasonvr This is very interesting to me because I feel sort of the opposite - my baby fever is the strongest when work is going well and I feel happy/confident/fulfilled from it. I think because that makes me feel stable and like I could handle adding a baby to the mix.

 

[jasonvr]

@katrina2017 I hear you, that definitely makes sense.

It doesn't help that my family is very supportive and constantly talks about being excited about my kids and helping us so often. So I know we would be fine having a kid right now even without me having a great job and owning a house.

People certainly succeed with way less.

 

[katrina2017]

@jasonvr You’re lucky to have supportive family but I can imagine that making it even harder to wait! We both have insane families and moved 14 hours away from them all which was the best decision for us but also means we won’t have any help when we do have kids

 

[jasonvr]

@katrina2017 Jeez! Yeah that is super stressful.

And yeah I keep having to convince my youngest brother to stop buying cute 3-5+ yr old toys and clothes because he's going to fill his apartment to the brim lmao. But it's heavy on my heart. Im so glad they're excited but I wish I had set my life up better.

Time really got away from me, I was so focused on making sure my boyfriend was the right one and creating a good foundation. Which I dont regret, but I wish I had considered my own future more instead of dreaming.