Baby #2 Posts

[debbs3692]

Getting to the point where women I follow on social media that were pregnant close to the same time as me are starting to announce they are pregnant with baby #2. My first thought is “pshhhh…good luck with that. No thanks”.

But then my 2nd thought is “wow, it must have been a lot easier for them if they are willing to have another. I could never do that all over again.” And then I get disappointed as to how motherhood has turned out for me so far. Anyone else feel this way?

 

[leras]

@debbs3692 I think a lot of people feel obligated to have a second. You don’t. I don’t. Lots of us in here don’t.

We did, however, welcome “baby” number 6 home a couple weeks ago. His name is Butters and he’s a 4 month old savannah kitten lol.

 

[plentyofpaper]

@leras Ding ding ding! This is what I truly believe as well. Most people think they have to have a second and literally never consider OAD as an option.

 

[patrickmpalm]

@plentyofpaper I'm starting to believe this as well.

 

[katrina2017]

@leras That’s true. If you look at r/Mommit or r/toddlers you’ll see posts about moms or dads asking for the pros and cons of having a second and sometimes you can see in what they are writing that they had a rough time the first time around but “I always envisioned having two” or “but X person I know is an only and really wished they had siblings”. The societal pressure to have more than one is real !

 

[marjmorris]

@katrina2017 Here's a sneak peek of /r/Mommit using the top posts of the year!

#1: Shoutout to a MIL who respects our boundaries, helps A TON with her granddaughter, and reassured me when I’m doubting myself. | 265 comments

#2: Dear baby sock companies, we are fed up. Enough. Sincerely, all moms. | 221 comments

#3: Came home to this. How long do you guys think I have and what should I do with all this free time? | 336 comments

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[jhen]

@leras Congratulations on Butters. I hope to welcome another baby home next year. Her name will be Sophie and she will be a wire fox terrier.

 

[biblequestions]

@leras My cat’s name is Butters, what a fantastic name!

 

[leras]

@biblequestions My friend calls him “the most exotic butters” from FNAF because he’s a savannah cat but he’s named after butters from South Park.

 

[biblequestions]

@leras So is ours

 

[sas31]

@debbs3692 Same situation here, my only is 2 and everyone is announcing their second pregnancy right now. I am kinda a low self esteem person anyways so yeah my mind definitely goes to “why is it so much easier for other people?” when I literally cannot fathom having another right now (or ever, really). Idk. I try not to over think it and just be confident with my choice, knowing I’m doing what’s best for me and my child. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make my mind wander to places where I feel unfit.

 

[sas757]

@sas31 I feel the exact same way!! My son turns 2 In a month and I can’t imagine going through all the sleepless nights again

 

[sas31]

@sas757 Truthfully I think some people just have easy babies. My friend has a 1 year old and she’s never complained about sleepless nights. Her baby has slept through the night since like 4 weeks old. My 2 year old still has random wake ups and when she’s sick it’s hell my brother also has a super easy baby who rarely cries and sleeps well. Idk. My girl is amazing but she’s not easy haha.

 

[hisnameisjesus]

@sas31 My son was and is relatively easy. I still don’t want another kid

 

[samalematina]

@sas31 Same here! Why does it seem so much easier for all these other people? I personally could not handle a second, it would be way too much for me. I see parents with multiples 2-4 and they seem to be coping alright. But then I see ones with more than one really struggling and I think thank god that’s not me.

 

[reporter94]

@debbs3692 Yes. I did feel that way, that I was defective because I couldn’t fathom having another. But what I have come to realize is that 1. The women I knew had support. My husband was working out of town 4-6 days a week every week. I was handling everything. I had no ability to tap out. Because even with a village, that village has their own lives. They are there when baby is teething at 2:00 am. And they aren’t there when mom gets the stomach flu. And 2. Some of them really were on the fence about having more but were so conditioned to believe that they had to have another that they just did it, whether they really wanted to or not.

Parenthood was not what I expected. But it has been fulfilling. You still have a little one I am guessing. My son is almost 11, and things are so fun. Your choice is valid, and your friends with two will likely be silently jealous of the fun you’re having when they’re in the trenches with their second one and you’re firmly through them.

 

[jemmace]

@reporter94 Yes, thank you! My husband traveled 14 times in a year when my baby was about 2. I have no family nearby. It.was.hell. I don’t have the support for more. The pandemic was easier for me because he was home. A global disaster was easier than doing all of that.

 

[nate2546]

@debbs3692 My daughter is 2 so I’m in the same boat. I have absolutely no desire to have another and often wonder if these people just got lucky (I had a super colicky / high needs baby) or something is wrong with me/how I’m not as good as others at handling motherhood. We have the money, space, support from grandparents and everything you could need to have more than one kid but I cannot fathom being able to mentally handle it. I finally feel more like myself and I can’t imagine ever doing all of that all over again.

 

[bareezwood]

@nate2546 Hi! Have you ever thought that perhaps, instead of something being wrong with you, maybe you know, and are being honest about, your limits (and maybe even your wants and needs)?

My daughter is 3. Unlike you, my daughter was a very easy going babe. Like you, we also have the means, space, and familial/community support. Even so, we don’t want a second child. We were 99% positive we would be OAD prior to conception.
Before having a child I was, mentally and emotionally, one of the healthiest people that I had ever met. About 6 weeks postpartum I was a mess. Cue insane postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD (didn’t know that was a thing), and a pumping aversion (also didn’t know that was a thing) that made me feel like I was being violated, making me furiously angry. Loving my daughter was expected, but loving her so much that I can barely breathe because how-can-I-make-sure-she-is-safe-for-the-rest-of-her-life was not (I’m on anti-anxiety meds now, and am probably as good as I can be, but I will never be who I was, and I miss that woman).
I would be a shell of a human if we had a second child. I cannot love another person the way I love her and still be there for my daughter, my husband, and most importantly, myself. I deserve to be happy and healthy, I deserve to be occasionally selfish, I deserve to be present and enjoy my life. I am a wonderful mom, and I think one of the reasons why I am a really great parent is because I know, and advocate for, my limits.
I think a lot of people don’t really know who they are or what they want or what they can reasonably handle, but I don’t think you are one of those people. I think you made a decision that works for you, and I think that makes you a great mother.

 

[evilbeans]

@debbs3692 I wouldn't look down on yourself for feeling maxed out with one while others are having multiple kids.

First of all, most parents of multiples are stressed the heck out, but would never admit it publicly. Many of us on this sub originally thought we'd have more than one, but we stopped when faced with the actual realities of parenthood.

Second, not all children are equally time and energy consuming. Some are hard as babies, but get easier as toddlers. Our son was an easy baby, but a much more challenging toddler and preschooler. Some kids have chronic conditions that take more resources to address. You can't compare your family to any other.

Third, I believe a lot of couples who decide to become parents view 2-3 children as the default. I'm certain a lot of parents who have two or more do so because of societal or family pressure and expectations. They may not even think of being OAD by choice as an option.

Stand proud in your decision. You are giving your child your best version of yourself.