Advice request from fellow dads of ones with O.D.D. and A.D.D

[bishopstrong]

-Quick background-

Son(9y) has those diagnosis and very high functioning autism, his mom has primary custody, was separated from son for 6yrs because personal/legal/pandemic reasons, have lots of catching up to do, and I am a.d.d. so I understand lots of (but not all) a.d.d. issues.

-the rest-

My son is great in that he'll listen and we work together to manage his impulses, when he's feeling restless he just monkeys on me and I coach him through being conscientious, he has a decent variety of "safe foods" so he's getting in his calories, we do stuff like together like brushing teeth because he doesn't like being alone, and he enjoys my presence and finds comfort in our cuddles.

But I struggle with him telling me what he wants or will respond "no" to everything until he's thought about it. Gonna work with him to say things like "I need to think about it" or express how he feels about something. When he's overwhelmed/confused (which is kinda frequent) he only responds with "...I don't know...", "NO!", or just shuts down.

Does this get better as our relationship improves? If he opens up I'm very confident in helping him navigate his emotions.

What things helped you help your kiddo with the "no" impulse of O.D.D.? Less open ended questions and more "either/or" questions?

(Thanks and blessings.)

 

[revderb]

@bishopstrong Preface: i thought this would be a quick response and i kind of ran off with it, so take it for whatever you want.

I was diagnosed with adhd, no formal odd, but I meet the requirements. I can relate to the overwhelmed part and can offer some insight to my POV as an adult now who has to self manage.

“Shutting down” for me isn’t withdrawing from an interaction, it’s legitimately “the application[my brain] has crashed”. Think of my brain like a pyramid of filing boxes storing details about everything and you’ve just asked for a file out of a box in the bottom row. I go into suspense mode and re-shuffle the whole damn pyramid because i’m going to re-align the relationships between my “want box” and my “recent memory/context cache box” because I know i’m going to need those for the follow up interactions. If you hit me with too much at once and the system crashes out because i get stuck in a sorting loop.

Whether you ask me something big with lots of moving boxes (if you could move anywhere where would it be?) or something small (do i want to check the mail with you?) i will get annoyed at the person for initiating another re-sort, because it’s exhausting.

I saw this week, I get the same irrationally irritated feeling now by my 2yo running up and saying “play” as I did when I was young and I was asked to do something by a parent/teacher - fuck you, i’m doing something, i don’t have the energy to resort these goddamn boxes for you! Is my go-to feeling.

I (recently) learned to get this together 2 ways:
1. Less options. I am a 38 yo toddler - if I have infinite options, i will crash. I too need to be asked “do you want to do A or B this weekend?”. If people just ask “what do you want to do” there’s too many options, so I will either not pick at all in time, because i never stop assessing, or i pick the first thing that pops into my head to short circuit that. If I can, now I push the request back instead if outright rejecting it: “i can’t decide, so give me 2 choices and i’ll pick, otherwise just pick for me”. Ironically, i’m ok with people deciding for me because it removes the burden or resorting stuff in my brain.
2. I figured out I go “one speed”. Sometimes my kid wants to go however fast his speed is and it’s not whatever mine is, so he urges me to match him - ironically when i’m playing hockey i keep trying to get people playing less-intense to match me just like my kid. I learned it’s ok to just go a different speed. Before my kid, someone telling me (metaphorically) hurry up or slow down was met with huge defiance, because i can’t change whatever my speed is and i never payed attention to how we’re all slightly going at difference paces - and it’s ok. Now that I see it in my kid i’ve understood everyone has their own pace/speed and they don’t need to match. Now when i get urges to speed up or slow down, i don’t see them as hostile requests, so i can much more easily sort the boxes i need to.

If your kid is dealing with something similar, aligning yourself with his POV is a great way to mitigate it. When he starts getting flustered intercept snd say “it’s ok, we’ll get there eventually”. In my mind, it’s me against everyone, so when you tell me you’re on my side instead of just giving me an order, it defuses the hostility. In time, he’ll hopefully be able to remind himself when he feels those urges to speed up or slow down.