Hi, just reminiscing and wondering what was up with me as a kid. At the time, what I did seemed logical but it was unusual lol.
Maybe not long after I started kindergarten, I went on vacation. When I came back, I believed I couldn't remember anything that happened in kindergarten before the vacation. Then, I had this random train thought - but it felt right: "I seem like the kind of person that doesn't talk in kindergarten -> therefore, it seems likely I didn't talk in kindergarten before -> I will 'continue' not talking (because it would be weird if I didn't 'continue')". But apparently, I DID talk in kindergarten before. My family and teachers started asking why I suddenly stopped talking at school; I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth. Nonetheless, I continued not talking in primary school until I decided to switch schools. I guess I continued in those first few years of primary because it felt comfortable to rest my jaw, for people to cater to me, etc. Eventually, professionals tried to test me but I spoke to them loll soo ... I guess it was chalked up to a kid with a choice. Anyway I just find it so strange I couldn't remember any kindergarten experience before the vacation and then I just had that thought out of nowhere???
Subsequently, I grew up with anxiety issues: mostly hypochondriac (now not so much because no mad puberty hormones, decreased resting heart rate, and different eating habits), some social for what people think of me in everyday life, and some general (e.g. schoolwork). I am NOT one of those people who care much for public speaking - sometimes I get a little nervous like most people and I think it can be enjoyable. However, I suck at conversations if I don't practice speaking to myself in the mirror (just something I recently found that works). My brain always freezes when I have to reply to non-family (I feel like I'm not thinking of anything) or it's too slow e.g. I cannot tell what's going on when I follow ballet instructions. Although, there was a cringey time when I would have extremely long one-sided text conversations with my friends about myself or my family (am I a narc?). There was also a hormonal time when I would always get mad at my family acting like careless tourists in public, and when I blamed everyone in my head for my loneliness, sadness and anorexia. Anyways, I practice mindfulness sometimes and so I am aware my feelings = my responsibilities.
Maybe not long after I started kindergarten, I went on vacation. When I came back, I believed I couldn't remember anything that happened in kindergarten before the vacation. Then, I had this random train thought - but it felt right: "I seem like the kind of person that doesn't talk in kindergarten -> therefore, it seems likely I didn't talk in kindergarten before -> I will 'continue' not talking (because it would be weird if I didn't 'continue')". But apparently, I DID talk in kindergarten before. My family and teachers started asking why I suddenly stopped talking at school; I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth. Nonetheless, I continued not talking in primary school until I decided to switch schools. I guess I continued in those first few years of primary because it felt comfortable to rest my jaw, for people to cater to me, etc. Eventually, professionals tried to test me but I spoke to them loll soo ... I guess it was chalked up to a kid with a choice. Anyway I just find it so strange I couldn't remember any kindergarten experience before the vacation and then I just had that thought out of nowhere???
Subsequently, I grew up with anxiety issues: mostly hypochondriac (now not so much because no mad puberty hormones, decreased resting heart rate, and different eating habits), some social for what people think of me in everyday life, and some general (e.g. schoolwork). I am NOT one of those people who care much for public speaking - sometimes I get a little nervous like most people and I think it can be enjoyable. However, I suck at conversations if I don't practice speaking to myself in the mirror (just something I recently found that works). My brain always freezes when I have to reply to non-family (I feel like I'm not thinking of anything) or it's too slow e.g. I cannot tell what's going on when I follow ballet instructions. Although, there was a cringey time when I would have extremely long one-sided text conversations with my friends about myself or my family (am I a narc?). There was also a hormonal time when I would always get mad at my family acting like careless tourists in public, and when I blamed everyone in my head for my loneliness, sadness and anorexia. Anyways, I practice mindfulness sometimes and so I am aware my feelings = my responsibilities.