A matter of when not if…

@leah_talbot We are a fellow IVF family so we also thought a lot about when to try again with our frozen embryos. One thing I would suggest is to check with your RE about any testing that might need to be re done and what their scheduling currently looks like. We had been hoping for a 2 ish year age gap and ended up with a 2.5 year gap mostly due to scheduling stuff for our FET.

I will say with that gap I've found that our girls do play together a lot. They share a room and toys as well. It was hard though during that first year or so. 2.5 was a hard age in terms of clinginess for our oldest and adjusting was tough but she was also old enough to want to hold and talk to her baby sister a lot. I will add however that I think kids can have special bonds no matter the gap. Our kids have a two year old cousin and my 7 year old has a very close bond with him. She is one of his favorite people to play with and s does on him a ton. It's freaking adorable.
 
@oneiric1975 Ah yes! The dreaded doctor’s schedule. How could I forget?! Truly, thank you for bringing that up. It a a great point and something we need to factor into the equation.
 
@leah_talbot Mine are 3 years (37 months) and 16 months, so a 20.5 month gap. There were/are hard moments, but honestly it’s so much fun. They’re now at an age where they play together and they ADORE each other. We actually just found out our recent transfer worked (all IVF babies too) so we will have a 23 ish month gap between #2 and #3 and I’m excited because of how great (though pure chaos most of the time)
 
@leah_talbot It's such a personal decision, but to me, 2 year age gap always sounded really exhausting. I have a two year old now and I'm so glad I can fully concentrate on her. I think in a year's time she will be so much more understanding, helpful and independent. We haven't (yet) hit the terrible twos and that's another thing that I rather do with all my attention rather than having a newborn too. I actually think it's easier to be age specific at that age when you can give them your full attention, and it's more age appropriate at 3 years to expect a little bit more. Not much, but at least they can get a snack and go to the toilet....

I don't think you ever get any guarantees whether siblings will play with each other, and the age gap will be less influential than their personalities and your parenting. For what it's worth I'm very close to my 3 year younger brother but equally so to my 8 year younger brother and in fact we all played together. I wasn't a second mum to my youngest brother, I'm sorry you felt that way but that's something you can avoid through your parenting. What you can't guarantee is that your kids will get on, they might not.

Regarding toys, I think you are overthinking it. Most open play toys are actually more suited for kids with different ages - electronic / plasticy toys have only a limited life span but wooden blocks, wooden animals, doll houses etc are all played with by children of all ages

Childcare bills are another huge reason for us, a 3 year age gap would avoid a double childcare bill (we're on the UK). We were really lucky with our first born, good sleeper/ eater so we fully expect the second to be harder. So we're planning for an extensive period of parental leave that we can together at the same time, so that we can do shifts at night etc. That will be easier financially if we don't have a double childcare bill.

Again, a very personal decision but maybe my thoughts help you!
 
@leah_talbot I don't think there is a perfect age gap, it really depends on your kids and how their personalities get on.

I have a 2.5 year gap between my two and it's been great, they are 5 and 3 now. It wasn't too overwhelming at the start and now they play together. Win win!
 
@leah_talbot I(nonbinary) am 2 ish years older than my sister and 4 years older than my brother. I will say that I think our individual interests kept us separate more than our ages did. We all played together pretty well and were close and then as we got older we drifted together and apart based on what kind of hobbies/interests we had.

My husband and his brother are almost 1 year apart and growing up they practically hated and tried to get rid of each other at any moment. Now they are great friends and pretty close as adults.

Hubby and I were planning to try again when our first baby (1) turns 3-4 years old just for a medium ish age gap but also so its easier to explain/talk to baby1 about a new sibling and how things will happen. But that might all be going down the drain now barring my health issues depending on what we find out.
 
@leah_talbot I know this post is a little old, but I thought I'd throw my two cents out there since I have a different opinion: I'm a big fan of the 2 year age gap! My boys are 2 years apart, and while the first 2 or 3 years were hard, it was so worth it. They have really different personalities, but they compliment each other well, and while they fight like any other siblings, it's something we expect and let them work through. They have similar interests, they share a room, they even share many of the same friends since they are so close in age. I can take them to the same movie, birthday party, activities, etc. I can tell them to go play in the backyard so Mom and Dad can enjoy a glass of wine in peace and quiet! Traveling with them has gotten so much easier, and they don't need us to entertain them all the time because they entertain each other. It also helps us keep them off screens.

I say if you can manage being stressed out for the first couple of years or so, go for it! It pays off in the future. I know this is not everyone's experience, of course, but it's worked out well for us and lots of other families we know.
 
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