6 weeks post graduation checking back in

mb72384

New member
Thought I would update with a slightly different perspective than what I seem to see here and on r/daddit.

Let me preface by saying that I love my son and would do anything for him, there is no question of that.

I am fortunate enough to have had almost the entire 6 weeks off through parental leave, pto, and unpaid leave. Initially I was planning on a sort of hybrid/part time schedule at 3 or 4 weeks for returning to work and helping my wife with the baby. That has gone out the window.

The first 2 weeks out of the hospital weren't horrible,, baby slept 3-4 hours at a time and the biggest struggle was keeping up with washing pump parts (he refused to fully latch) and finding a routine. During weeks 2-5 we had various family visit, some helped, some did not (this is relevant because guests are exhausting, do not recommend any for the first month unless they are up at night with you). But around week 5 the baby decided he could nurse and we have transitioned to near pure breastfeeding (which is a lot less work for everyone). Around the same time we went from 2-4 hour stretches of sleep (which is exhausting) to 30-45 minute blocks, and near constant fussing at night.

Let me tell you, the sleep deprivation is MASSIVELY underrepresented. I feel hoodwinked by all the positive vibes new parents like to repeat. The last 2 weeks have been constant hell for everyone.

We have done everything right by doctors (which warned us of weeks 4-7), family advice, internet, books, you name it. But the harsh reality is that this hell is normal, expected, and unavoidable for the majority of babies (if you have a unicorn, congrats). The only solace I take is that by 3 months things USUALLY get better, according to everything I am reading.

So why the update? Hopefully this can be a reality check for expecting first time father's that an infant isn't all rainbows and smiles. In fact it is more likely to be screaming cries at 4am for absolutely no reason you can determine, followed by days of total mental and physical exhaustion and inability to focus or do anything beyond survive.

At week 6.

I return to work tomorrow and will probably sleep in a separate room tonight (which I hate doing), but I will be unable to do my job otherwise.

I know I am fortunate, a lot of y'all don't get any time off at all, and I have no idea how you manage.

But this is not fun, easy, or beautiful.

It sucks.
 
@mb72384 Congrats, Dad, on making it this far, the fourth trimester is no joke. I just wanted to pop in and advocate for mom real quick. If you’re going back to work and she is staying up all night with baby (since you are sleeping in another room to get a restful night) and then she is also staying home with the baby during the day (this is an assumption, since you didn’t say), she is going to be feeling major exhaustion which may lead to PPD and resentment. The sleep deprivation you are feeling now is going to double for her. Unless you are working with heavy machinery or something like, you should consider how both of you are working full time jobs and both of you need rest. What worked for us was splitting nights so both got portions of rest at night. (Shift a, 9-2 am; shift b, 2-8 am). You can still do this even when your partner is EBF, but I would recommend pumping an extra bottle for your shift or supplementing with formula during those hours. Sending best wishes to your family!
 
@mb72384 I felt the same way and told our doula pretty much the same thing. She reminded me that several of the handouts she gave us talked about sleep deprivation and how to handle it.

What she said to me was “no matter how much you tell someone you can’t really know until you experience it.”

If you peruse daddit and predaddit you will find post after post of people in exactly your situation. You just can’t know until you go through it. Welcome to the other side. It does get better.
 
@mb72384 You should consider blocking the night time duties out. Wife can sleep a chunk like 8pm-12am while you watch baby and then she does it while you sleep before work. No one should be getting a full 8hrs right now. If you get less sleep, you'll do your job a bit worse, but if she gets less sleep, the child's wellbeing is potentially at risk.

You guys will adapt and eventually feel so much better. As a mom who had little support from my husband, it took me until 6 months before I felt comfortable leaving the house with baby for a longer period and finally feeling like I had enough sleep to enjoy the day. Hang in there!
 
@libs This is the way. We did shifts from the get go and it's how we survived. I had 8 weeks off because I live in California. But even now after being back to work for 8 months, I do every thing I can to mitigate the sleep deprivation for my wife. I know you're in hell and I'm not here to sugar coat but you gotta keep the team work aspect in your head. Your wife is about to be more isolated with less chances to sneak breaks than you are. You gotta keep taking care of each other or resentment will start to take root.
 
@mb72384 My wife is outa town so I’m the sole caregiver this weekend. Our 16mo girl decided to have a terrible night sleep last night (she’s getting sick and misses mom). I got maybe 4 hours of sleep total, and today I have a cranky overtired girl to handle while I’m exhausted.

Funny thing is, back when she was a couple months old I was celebrating getting 4 hours of sleep at night.

Sleep deprivation absolutely totally sucks, especially throwing work into the mix. But it’s all relative and I promise you’ll start celebrating the incremental improvements soon!
 
@mb72384 We’re nearing the end of month 13 and it’s still hell. He barely sleeps more than 2-3 hours at a time, doesn’t really swallow hardly any solids yet so still attached to the boob a lot. Is very high needs and has separation anxiety…

I never ever imagined it could be this hard, but you have to play the cards you’re dealt! He is still an absolute joy the majority of the time
 
@mb72384 If your wife still pumps, you don’t have to wash stuff every time! Put it in a bag in the fridge and save it for the next pump. Wash once a day instead. It’ll save your sanity.
 
@andrewdave354 Parenting is based on balancing risk and reward so you should just know in order to balance the risks and rewards that the CDC recommends against this, especially for newborns or babies with compromised immune systems. I definitely do the “fridge hack” now but decided to wait until mine was around 5 months
 
@mb72384 No one has sugar-coated the sleep deprivation for me lol. I've been through it before with Insomia and working night shifts. To the point I had violent thoughts about what I would do to a ice cream man.

I'm kinda ready for it. Idk if my wife is
 
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