5 yr old threatened to move to dad’s place

[samiammk]

I was being annoyed about him not touching his lunch that I packed for school (again). And he said I was being mean. I raised my voice and said ‘what?’ . He was silent and I mentioned that he’s not touching his Halloween candy until he starts eating his lunch. He calmly said ‘if you are going to be like this, I am moving to dad’s house’.
Part of me is furious - this attitude needs to be shut down now before it gets worse.
Part of me thinks I am overreacting.
Part of me wants to give up and send him.
I am already fighting his dad on most things, it’s exhausting.
I need some parenting advice on navigating this.

Extra note : Dad is a narcissist and has a DVRO. Kid started school this year.

 

[halterfr33]

@samiammk

was being annoyed about him not touching his lunch that I packed for school (again). And he said I was being mean.

I'd use that opportunity to find out more about why they aren't touching the lunch. Like do we need to change up the options, are they just not that hungry so I should be putting less energy into packing lunches, do we need to have them take more responsibility for packing their lunches so they have more control and interest in their lunch...

He was silent and I mentioned that he’s not touching his Halloween candy until he starts eating his lunch.

I try not to create that sort of relationship with treats - as a punishment or treat. They're allowed a set amount of candy. Them not eating lunch doesn't mean more or less candy, regardless how hungry they are.

I prefer natural consequences, which in this case would be being hungry, rather than taking away candy.

He calmly said ‘if you are going to be like this, I am moving to dad’s house’.

I'd just try to express curiosity and validation around the threat. When you say like this, what do you mean? How are things different with dad? Do you understand why I'm concerned about you not eating lunch? What do you think you would do if you were the mom instead? Etc etc

Honestly, most of the time they calm down while answering the questions and I learn something interesting about the way their mind works.

Part of me is furious - this attitude needs to be shut down now before it gets worse.

I don't perceive children expressing upset as attitude. I think me feeling threatened by their upset is a bigger problem. I find your little one was pretty well spoken and tried to communicate his upset in the best way they could. They weren't disrespectful, there was no hitting or throwing things .

My bias, though, is that I always want there to be as much support and space for expressing upset feelings as we do for "positive" feelings. If I weren't happy with the way I was being treated by a partner, I might wish I could go somewhere else in the moment, too. I might not express that because I'm old enough to know I'd just be being reactive in the moment but a 5yo hasn't achieved that level of emotional processing.

Part of me wants to give up and send him. I am already fighting his dad on most things, it’s exhausting.

Most of us have been there. You're a little overwhelmed, but this too shall pass. Maybe you need a timeout? Lol. If I feel like I'm not regulated enough to respond in a controlled way, I tell my LO straight up that I'm too upset to respondly calmly right now so I need a timeout and some privacy.

Sometimes I'll come back later to address the issue if necessary when I'm calmer. Some times by the time I cool down I feel there's no need to because I was making it a bigger issue in my head than it really was.

 

[samiammk]

@halterfr33 This sounds fantastic. You are a good parent.
I worry about tantrums and meltdowns, for natural consequences. At the end of a working day, I am at the end of the rope as well.
I definitely need a timeout. Thanks for this.

 

[nyr94]

@samiammk My kid tried that 3 years ago. The first time I cried for days. The second time, I said, "ok. I can call your dad and we can look at changing your schools,..." I went through the whole list of everything that would change. They didn't really want to live with their dad. I never heard about it again. I'm not saying this works for every child, but it worked for mine.

 

[samiammk]

@nyr94 In the middle of questioning my parenting, you made me LOL. Thank you

 

[jada11]

@samiammk It wouldn't be a bad idea to examine how you're treating your child and how you word things. "If you're going to be like this, then..." is phrasing he picked up from one or both of his parents. He sees it as appropriate to hurt someone's feelings when they hurt his, and that's how your punishments are coming across to him. I'm not saying he should never face consequences for bad behavior, but not eating lunch isn't a bad behavior, and taking away Halloween candy isn't coming across as a consequence. You can have punishments/consequences without being "mean".

But also: it's a 5 year old lashing out and trying to get a reaction. They don't get to decide the custody schedule: that is between you, your co-parent, and the courts.

 

[emmadaniel]

@samiammk He's just saying something hurtful. I'd be honest and say "you're really angry that I won't let you have that candy. I just need to know you're eating a balanced diet. What's the reason you didn't like your lunch today?"

If he didn't ask for what was in his lunchbox then I'd try to get him to eat some of it and give him something else on top that he wants and is healthy. If he did ask for it then I'd hold firm that we eat treats as part of a balanced diet and it isn't balanced if he hasn't eaten anything else.

I think that's ok because it's not a punishment but it is just teaching them that you have to balance treats with other things in your diet.

You could also say "it's ok to be mad because you really wanted those sweets, but saying that hurt my feelings."

 

[simonwise]

@samiammk The things I screamed a half century ago when I was 5 would shock the modern ear.

I was never a bad kid, never a hateful kid and I loved my family.

I have no idea why I was so angry that I turned dark red from screaming, everything was relatively storm free in the seas I always tried to capsize my boat.

Now my child is different, she's an emotional hustler (well she tries, she straegizes like a 5 year old), the way I look at it, she's 5...she's trying to learn what her pwers are and I don't take it personally. I am not hurt when she prefers mom nor proud when she chooses me because we are all just gonna continue doing our best.

So should you. Don't be too hurt, your child is a child.

 

[sarah_egan]

@samiammk I threatened to run away when I was 5 years old. (I’m in my 30s now) My mom packed my school bag with some clothes and snacks and put me out the door. I sat on the stairs and cried lol.

Mom says we lived in an apartment building where each floor was locked including the door to exit to the street so there was no way I could actually leave and she watched me from the door peephole so I was safe but she taught me a lesson. I never did it again.

Not saying to follow this. Just comedic relief.

 

[toysernis1]

@samiammk I’d get you in therapy & kiddo.

 

[matthewof1989]

@samiammk General parenting advice - don’t get into food wars. Period. There is precious little a 5 year old can control in his life. Every major and minor decision is pretty much already made for him. Where to live, what to wear, what to watch, who to play with. One thing they have control over is what they put into their body. That can make it a powerful point of conflict.

And it’s one battle where you will always lose. Even if you make them eat the broccoli or finish the milk, you lose. Because you have taught them they don’t have the right to make decisions about their own body. Even if they don’t develop an eating disorder, even if they don’t overeat as adults out of guilt, or develop food aversions, they still get the message that other people have the right to control their body against their wishes. And maybe even that they have the right to control other people’s bodies.

Offer healthy food to your child. Try to offer choices when it’s practical (often it isn’t). If they chose not to eat, accept their choice and let it go. It’s not about you. No five year old starves themselves to death. They will eat at the next mealtime. It will be fine. Pick your battles.

It sounds like the whole exchange was about control. You want to control your child’s diet, with good intentions poorly communicated. In response he used language meant to reassert control over his life. Narcissists are extremely controlling so it’s natural that he has learned to emulate this. I suggest getting some books on the topic if you can’t get a good therapist. Work on identifying controlling/manipulative statements and how to diffuse them with kindness instead of anger (hard to do, which is why it’s a good idea to have a few strategies planned ahead). You’ve got this.