Tldr: 5 year old has previously behaved fine at half day pre-k, but now at full day kindergarten is not listening and being defiant. Simply talking to him about the behavior and encouraging him to listen hasn't worked. Any ideas for the next step/other things to try?
My 5 year old stepson started kindergarten this year and we're getting a lot of feedback about him misbehaving. At each house (ours and his mom's) we talk to him, remind him that he needs to listen to his teacher, and just generally let him know he needs to behave. He says he understands, but we just got another bad report - one day last week he was moved to red on the behavior chart (the worst behavior) for running in the halls and not listening to multiple teachers. I feel like we need to start doing more than just talking to him, but I honestly don't know what to do. When he doesn't listen at our house we'll point out that he's not listening and that alone sometimes fixes it. If it doesn't, we'll warn that he'll lose screen time if it continues, and that almost always works. We don't ever really have to "discipline" him and I don't know how to - or if that's even what we should do in this situation! If anyone has any suggestions I'd really appreciate it!
Some background info:
- He went to pre-k at this school so he's familiar with the environment and the rules of school. We didn't get reports like this in pre-k, but pre-k was a half day and this is a full day program
He seems to like his teacher. He says she's nice and seems happy when he talks about her.
At our house we have a new baby. The baby is 4 months old. The 5 year old was excited throughout my pregnancy and is always really happy to see the baby. We try really hard to not deny 5 year old attention based on the baby - occasionally he'll have to wait while we change a diaper or feed the baby, but honestly he's getting more of my attention right now since I'm on maternity leave. He's also getting more time with dad because dad has started waking him up and taking him to school in the morning (it used to be me). Regardless of amount of attention, there's obviously been a lot of change. He seems happy about it all, but change is stressful in general.
He's at our house half of the week and at his mom's house half of the week. There have been negative behavior reports during both parts of the week (ie if he starts the day at our house, or if he starts the day at mom's house).
His teacher asked for classroom volunteers. I offered, in part because I want to see the structure of their day and what type of work he's being assigned in class to see if that could be a contributing factor. I also wonder if having a "parent" at school could motivate better behavior (hopefully even on days I'm not there). His teacher said she'd put me on the list and let me know when they were ready (which was a little frustrating since she asked for volunteers, I assumed she was ready lol).
The base homework that is sent home is way too easy for him (ex count to 10). But it does always offer modifications (ex if that's too easy, count higher). So I'm not sure what his class work is like. If he's being asked to learn to count to 10, then I'm sure he's bored. But his teacher seems mindful of the students being at varying levels, so hopefully he's being challenged. I asked him the other day if the work is easy or hard and he said hard. But he has a language delay, so we don't always get a lot of information from him.
Please don't come at me for being just his stepmom I've been in his life since he was 2 and us adults co-parent very well together; I won't be overstepping by brainstorming ways to help him through this or implementing changes at our house.
@pmxcsed Could he be having trouble transitioning from a half day to a whole day? When kids are under a lot of pressure in one area, they often regress in another area. I have a 13yo and a 2yo and both of them start displaying behaviors they stopped at an earlier age when they're stressed or sick, etc. Perhaps your son is having issues with impulse control because he's having to go from 4 hours of structure to 7 or 8 (not sure how long kindergarten is).
If that's the case, I've had success by giving extra support at home while not tolerating the bad behavior. Maybe he could use some one on one time, or he gets to pick a game the whole family plays, etc. Also encouraging him to express himself as much as it's an option. If he can't talk about it, maybe he can express what's going on inside through art or music or making up a story. Whatever gets his creative juices going.
I'm sorry if you get grief for being a stepmom. I'm stepmom to my 13yo, and I'm not a mother figure, but I'm a trusted adult and I'm close family. People who have no idea what it's like can be really harsh and judgmental. Keyboard warriors lol, or people who aren't happy with themselves and need someone else to take it out on. If everyone's happy with the arrangement you and your family have, that's wonderful. More adults to give your son love and attention.
@leahfeamw Thank you for your thoughtful answer When he was in pre-k he also went to daycare. So daycare, bus to pre-k, bus back to daycare until it was time to come home. He's used to long days out of the house, but daycare was definitely less structured than school is. Also, he now has homework which requires him to focus for about an hour at home (he could finish it in probably 15 minutes, but he acts silly to avoid doing it and it ends up taking close to an hour). So the amount of time he has to focus per day is at least doubled, which would be a hard adjustment!
I love the idea of doing something creative to help him express what's going on at school. I bet I could get him to play school with me at home and that would probably give me insight!
@pmxcsed What?!?! Homework in kindergarten besides reading is ridiculous. There are studies on it. I'm guessing that his school is a more structured and demanding than he's used to. Volunteering in the classroom is a great way to get more info on this though. Playing school is a really great idea also.
Does he get enough physical activity throughout the day? When my stepdaughter was that age it was so much easier to get her to do anything resembling responsibility if she was worn out. We went on a lot of family walks and did a lot of creative things to get her energy out
@leahfeamw His teacher says the homework isn't supposed to be overwhelming, but there's a LOT of it for a 5 year old! Counting, touch counting, writing his name multiple times, sight words, letter names and sounds, and a worksheet per night.
I'm not sure how much activity he gets at school. I need to ask his teacher about that. At home, we have him after school 2 days a week. One of those days he honestly doesn't get much/any physical activity. The other day he gets a decent amount - although I've noticed the worst behavior happens the day after he gets a lot of activity Maybe I need to pay closer attention to bedtime on those days because I know that's an area we can improve on!
@pmxcsed Listening (aka obeying) doesn’t come naturally to a child. Just like adults, kids need to find meaning behind things they are asked to blindly follow.
To elicit better behaviour, I used to ask my kids to “help” me instead. Ask him to help his teacher by keeping quiet and not distract her from teaching. Suggest his teacher some ways to keep him busy if he’s getting bored. Does he have a quiet corner to retreat with a book? A fidget toy?
Also, I’d look into how much time outside he gets. How much recess do they have at school? Can he walk to school, or at least to the bus stop? I’d also skip homework and have him play outside for an hour after school each day.
@katrina2017 I love the idea of framing it as helping! I think he would respond really well to that. He loves to help at home! And I think you're right that he needs to understand why he's being asked to obey. At home when I ask him to do/not do something I almost always explain why as I'm asking. If he pushes back, I explain why when I ask again. I guess I never considered that other adults (ie his teacher) may not do that
With the most recent incident of running in the halls they had him see the behavioral specialist at school (which I didn't know was a thing!) and she gave him a stress ball to use in class. His behavior for the day improved after that. I'm going to follow up with his teacher and see if that's a tool he can keep using - I think a way to get energy out will be really helpful for him.
I'm not sure how much outside time they get at school; that's a good question. As far as outside time at home, we have him one weekend day and two days after school. One of those after school days I make sure to either go to grandma's house where he plays with his cousins, or go to the park. On school days with his mom, he goes to an after school program and he told me they play on the playground (although I'm not sure if it's every day, or for how long). I think adding in more intentional outdoor time on the other days we have him is a good idea. When I go back to work after maternity leave it will be more difficult, but my partner and I have discussed that we need to redo our backyard so the kids can play back there. So even if I can't take him to the park after school when I'm back at work, he should be able to play outside while I cook or something.
@iccs I wish Although we all coparent well, I obviously don't get the final say in things. I suggested a different school to begin with, but this was the one his mom chose.
I think he would excel in an environment with fewer students (there are 30 kids in his kindergarten class!) where the teacher could give more one on one attention. He really is a bright kid, but does have trouble focusing. Which I think is normal for a 5 year old, and I wish the early childhood education system took that into account. But when there are so many students of course the teacher doesn't have time to provide a ton of individual attention. I also think he'd do better in a more active environment, as you suggest. For example, at home when we work on sight words I create games where he can jump on the words or hit the words with a fly swatter. He has a much easier time engaging with those than when we do flash cards. But again, I understand why things like that aren't an option for his teacher
I agree, I don't necessarily want to "discipline" him, but at the same time I don't want him to be seen/treated as the "bad kid" at school because I know from personal experience that if I feel like the teacher doesn't like me, I'm less likely to engage. I'm hoping to find ways to motivate/help him to meet the expectations, without punishing him for what's normal 5 year old behavior. I'm not sure that's possible, but it's what I'm trying for
Unfortunately our school district is one of the worst in the country Seeing it first hand definitely has me already researching alternative options for my baby
I’m so sorry for you guys, and for all of those kids.
What a challenging situation.
You are doing so much for him by trying to understand & help him self regulate his behavior.
So many parents do zero (because of lack of awareness, lack of time, lack of resources, or just they don’t care to try). Those are the kids who really struggle.
As long as your son has his caring village of parents, he’s going to be ok.
@vanillaface Our state is ranked in the 40s, and our district is middle of the pack within our state. It's really disheartening, but since moving isn't an option at this point all I can do is (1) look for alternatives for baby and (2) help the 5 year old adapt as well as he can, while continuing to work on academics at home to give a boost It's really sad because I truly believe most of our teachers are dedicated, but our district is really poorly run. This teacher, for example, seems very nice, she's experienced, she's communicative, and she seems to love teaching kindergarten. But when she has more students and less resources than she should, there's only so much I can expect from her
I think you're right about him coming out ok with our support I just hope we can approach things in ways that best help him
@hendrixibanez Yeah that’s a big change plus the new baby. It sounds like OP is doing everything right, but he’s dealing with a lot of change. TBH calling in a behavioral specialist after running in the halls ones seems like this school has a low tolerance for kids misbehaving. I also HATE the idea of that red green behavior chart - essentially publicly shaming kids who are having a hard time with the new routine. I don’t think that’s a great approach.
@mooneyto Thank you And I completely agree about the behavior chart - he's the type to get embarrassed REALLY easily, and when he's embarrassed he shuts down (I think in part because of the language delay - he doesn't have the words to express what he's feeling, so he just withdraws). I can see how someone who doesn't know him well may see that withdrawal as a refusal to engage/apologize/whatever. I hadn't thought about that before, but I think I should mention that to his teacher!
I've been in his life since he was 2 and us adults co-parent very well together; I won't be overstepping by brainstorming ways to help him through this or implementing changes at our house.
When he was in pre-k he also went to daycare. So daycare, bus to pre-k, bus back to daycare until it was time to come home. He's used to long days out of the house, but daycare was definitely less structured than school is. Also, he now has homework which requires him to focus for about an hour at home (he could finish it in probably 15 minutes, but he acts silly to avoid doing it and it ends up taking close to an hour). So the amount of time he has to focus per day is at least doubled, which would be a hard adjustment! 
Maybe I need to pay closer attention to bedtime on those days because I know that's an area we can improve on!
Although we all coparent well, I obviously don't get the final say in things. I suggested a different school to begin with, but this was the one his mom chose. 