4 year old will not go to sleep and I am losing my mind

[jonderdonk4]

My 4 year old has regularly been staying up until 9:30pm lately and I am going insane.

I am a SAHP to 4yo and 2yo. The 4yo is in preschool three mornings a week which theoretically should tire him out! We also go outside as often as possible (we live in a cold climate).

Schedule as follows:
Up about 7:30am
Quiet time 1pm - 2pm (doesn’t nap)
Dinner 5pm
Bath, pjs, snacks, books from 6:30pm to 7:45pm
7:45pm bed

4yo will come out of his room, cry, scream, run around, turn his light on and play, do anything but go to sleep!

We’ve tried bringing him wordlessly back to bed, laying down for 5 minutes with him, a “pass” he gets to use once, nothing is effective long term!

Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you survive? I just need a break.

 

[brideforchrist]

@jonderdonk4 You’re asking your child to sleep from 7:45pm to 7:30am, which is almost 12 hours. Some kids are just lower sleep needs. My 3.5 year old only sleeps 10 hours a day, which it sounds like yours is doing too. She usually sleeps from 8pm to 6am… so yeah, the early mornings suck. But I’ve come to just accept it. It’s within the normal range of total sleep for her age.

I have no advice on how to get your kid to sleep more, but if you want them to go to bed earlier I’d recommend waking them up earlier.

 

[jonderdonk4]

@brideforchrist Was your child always low sleep needs? He was a super great sleeper until very recently

 

[brideforchrist]

@jonderdonk4 She was always low sleep needs, yeah. Didn’t sleep through the night consistently until she was 14 months old and naps were hard.

But kids grow and change. At 4 years old I think 10 hours is pretty normal.

 

[clashley]

@jonderdonk4 You need to push everything back or plan to get up earlier because he doesn’t need 12 hours of sleep. It sucks because as a SAHP we want some time to ourselves but it is what it is. You can’t force him to sleep more than what he actually needs.

 

[evahlynn]

@jonderdonk4 You’re asking for almost 12 hours of sleep, and not all children sleep 12 hours. Mine seem to max out at about 10.5 hours, which is normal albeit on the low end. Lights out is around 8:30, 3 year old is out within minutes but my almost 6 year old typically falls asleep around 9-9:15. They wake up between 7-7:30. 3 year old doesn’t usually nap but if she does, it comes out of her night sleep and she wakes up at 6:30. Bedtime was not always this late, but we pushed it back whenever they stopped falling asleep at the earlier time.

 

[missingrocky]

@evahlynn We do a 9 pm bedtime for our 5 year old too and we are a very well rested family! My 5 yo son sleeps 9 - 7:30 and my baby daughter sleeps midnight - 8 am. I'm almost embarrassed about how much sleep I get compared to the other parents I know. Later bedtimes FTW.

 

[jonderdonk4]

@evahlynn I think this is probably the solution. Thank you!

 

[bobbysunny]

@jonderdonk4 I would go the opposite way and push bedtime later (like 9pm) and work backwards. Find another physical activity at that book slot and do books last

 

[feelinglostagain]

@jonderdonk4 Def should try a later bedtime in general and I run my kid around from 7-8 pm to wear his ass out we wrestle and everything. Then a few books and wind down. He's only 20 m and goes to bed at 830 and wakes around 745. I'm sure he just isn't tired yet

 

[ifthepuzzlefits]

@jonderdonk4 An hour and 15 minutes is a long time for books. Is it possible he’s getting bored and working himself up instead of calming down? Maybe he needs physical activity before books

 

[jonderdonk4]

@ifthepuzzlefits Yes we will work on getting more physical activity in after dinner

 

[hayden91]

@jonderdonk4 My guy is 3.75 and has about 10.5-11 hour sleep needs night. Bedtime is around 7 (is usually asleep by 730) and is usually awake by 630. We have an OK to wake clock that turns from blue to yellow at 7am signalling he can come out of his room. Before that, he has to stay in and play quietly (similar to quiet time). Usually no naps here, except for the occasional 20 min one, and I wake him at 215.

If your guy is naturally waking at 730, you might need to accept the later bedtime for that 10.5 to 11 hour window (which is normal for his age). Or adjust his morning to accommodate the earlier bedtime.

 

[gladysrivera]

@jonderdonk4 Some kids are just lower sleep needs. My daughter is 20 month old and has literally never gone to bed that early. We recently dropped her nap to get her to go to bed between 9-9:30, and she is up between 7-8. With a nap she wouldn’t go to bed until 10-11.

 

[missingrocky]

@jonderdonk4 We do bedtime at 9pm for our five year old and that's been the case for about 18 months. He wakes up at 7:30 am. I'd rather he goes to bed later and get up later than be one of these kids that gets up at 6 every day. Plus, when I used to try to get him to sleep earlier it just felt futile and I hated spending hours trying to get him to sleep. Home feels so much more harmonious once we settled on the later bedtime. It chimes well with my 15 week old too, who sleeps midnight - 8am. So I'm getting midnight - 7:30 to sleep myself. I am definitely the most well rested parent I know and I'm sure it's because of the later bedtime we do for our son, compared to others.

 

[honesthearts]

@jonderdonk4 My boy is 4 and he sleeps from 9-7:30 or 8. Also we play and do physical activities after dinner and only get ready for bed around 8:30 (8 if I’m giving him a bath), then I read him a story and he is out by 9. He needs more physical activity instead of 1.15 hrs of books, maybe reduce to 30 min, he needs to tire himself out more

 

[jasonspence]

@jonderdonk4 My sister had this with her 4 year old and eventually filled his room with toys, told him he couldn’t leave the room but could stay up and play or read if he’s not tired. He now does that and then at some point gets tired and gets into bed and falls asleep. All without bothering my sister downstairs. Could you do that?

 

[ghex]

@jonderdonk4 Have you tried letting him stay up in his room and read books by himself with little book light?

Have you tried doing bedtime a little earlier? Maybe he’s getting overly tired?

A reward for staying in bed?

 

[peggyleggy]

@jonderdonk4 My 3 year old sleeps 8 pm to 6:30 am with a hour nap. We have a Toniebox in his bed for him to listen to while he falls asleep.

I get a break because my husband does bedtime. At 7 pm, we put our baby to bed and 3 year old says goodnight to mommy.

Do you think all the structure and rules you have around bedtime is stressing your not-tired kid making it harder for them to relax?

 

[wilsonpj]

@jonderdonk4 My boys' bedtime at 4ish was ~8pm. And they got up around 5-6am. I read till they fell asleep - usually took around 15-30+ minutes, give or take, but they were always up by 5-6am. With the sun. Or, before it, in the winter. Thankfully by 4 they knew how to use the TV and were capable of getting up and getting pop tarts etc ..