3 y/o biting himself

[pastorgreg113]

Hi all, over the last month or so our almost 3 year old has been biting himself during tantrums. When he first did it, mom and I reacted by changing the context of the situation, picking him up and telling him not to hurt himself, caressing and behaving calmly, so I think he learned that the self harm is an escape. He has a meltdown, screams, bites himself and looks at us and says "i'm biting myself!!" while tears roll down his face.

This is a really scary start for us. I lost an uncle to self harm. We are very gentile people and though there is sometimes tension at home, never have we been aggressive, violent, or anything of that nature. How do we address this? I don't think avoiding the meltdown is a solution... Today it was because he had sand on his feet. We were at the beach. His right arm is full of bite marks and it's getting pretty scary Help!

 

[notloveisnotjesus]

@pastorgreg113 Tossing it out there only because you said one meltdown was because he had sand on is feet:

My son has a sensory processing… it’s not a disorder, but they call him “sensory seeking”. Which basically means he needs more than what people would call normal. More noise, more tactile input, more everything… until he doesn’t and then it’s meltdown territory.

We got a referral to OT (occupational therapy) and omg was it a godsend. I had always thought that when kids are hyped up and need to calm down, the parent needs to model calm energy and calm the child down. Nuh-uh for sensory seekers. That drives their little brains nuts and they need more.

In OT, we learned how to stimulate for energy, and how to stimulate for calm. And, wow! It was like night and day.

So! If this sounds like it might be your kiddo, as your PCP for an OT referral. Idk about your area, but it took about six months for us to get on the schedule. So it takes a while.

 

[marie1227]

@notloveisnotjesus Could you possibly share one of the ideas that worked, especially if your LO had issues falling asleep when lights were dimmed and TV was turned off at night?

 

[notloveisnotjesus]

@marie1227 So what we were told is that a tired child sleeps.

What he needed was significantly more physical sensory inputs than what we were giving him. We basically turned big room in our basement into a gymnasium: got a single trampoline, a sensory swing, tumble mats, and giant foam building blocks. We were extremely lucky. These things are generally incredibly expensive, and we got the trampoline from a friend, and the foam blocks from a preschool that was replacing theirs. The tumble mats were only $30 on Amazon, but that swing was insanely expensive, and we bought that new (but the swing was one of the only things that could calm him down without my actual physical presence).

Anyway, we also built a few sensory bins, got some sensory games, and turned a corner of our basement into a school, since he also had a fine motor delay.

We, literally, run him like a working-type dog (that’s sort of an inside joke between my husband and I and his therapist): highly structured, physical activities that fills his cup so he doesn’t have the energy to get into trouble, cycled with physically calming stimulus: the swing is one, a compression vest is another, a (supervised!) weighted blanket is another (he started OT too young for a weighted blanket). He likes being squished and compressed to calm down.

After that he’s ready for focused, calm work. So, we do a 1/2 hour of stimulation, 10/15 min of calming before going to a restaurant, for example. Or to a grandparent’s who gets overwhelmed with kid-noise. That will last for about 45min to an hour before he starts getting antsy and sensory-seeking, and we have to think about cycling through again. Good thing is, we can “top off” with, like, a run around the block, a quick “squeeze” snuggle and maybe get another half hour of calm.

Generally learning this about our kid and putting him to bed “tired” knocked a lot of the stalling behavior out. Buuuut, for bedtime, to reinforce the squishy-calm sensation, we got a compression sheet, too. Basically, a stretchy sock that goes around their mattress and squishes him down a little bit.

Only problem with that is it knocks him out so thoroughly he doesn’t wake up to pee anymore and we’ve regressed a bit in potty training. It’s an okay trade-off for me, though.

 

[pastorgreg113]

@notloveisnotjesus Wow this is him 100%. We just got out of the electronics store where he pressed literally every button he could. Microwaves, washing machines, fridges, etc. Anything he can reach is his domain. As soon as he's bored, (and for too long) he starts to get it elsewhere. The spice rack, cleaning cabinets, hanging laundry, etc. At home it's like keeping a wild animal, heh. He's incredibly smart, speaks 3 languages, counting and loves to translate things for us but he is an absolute devil and requires 100% attention every waking moment so that his interest is directed in a healthy, constructive way. At night he turns like a tornado in bed until he is physically exhausted. My nuts are perpetually sore from kicks, he turns like 20 times in each direction for an hour while grumbling nonsense before falling asleep. Bedtime is never less than an hour from lights off to sleep and we read to him for just as long to try calm him down first.

We're at least a month away before being able to get him in OT, is there any chance you can direct us to a resource to get my started? Whether it's a YouTube video, audiobook,etc? This is a totally new domain for me and I have to admit it wasn't until I write this message that I even knew what OT is. .

Thanks for your input! And to everyone else here too.

 

[notloveisnotjesus]

@pastorgreg113 Oh, man! I’m not an expert and every kid is different in what they need! I never did go into YouTube, mostly because once we got in front of the therapist, it worked so well and so fast I didn’t need other ideas.

Ok, there might be one thing that might help.

My son (idk about yours) loooooooves to help. When the OT recommended the physical tasks to tire him out, she specified things like pushing and pulling tasks. It took a while to build our “gym”, so I started by pulling out the vacuum, then have him pull all the cushions from the couch. I’d vacuum the dirt from underneath the cushions (eventually he insisted on doing this), and then he’d have to put all the cushions back into place, properly! No edges dangling over! Pillows back in their spots, blankets folded and put in their spots. Even with the gym, this is transitioned to one of his chores that he earns Switch time for (he gets 15 min a day of Minecraft if he does his chores). He doesn’t get the time right away; he gets it when I need him to be engrossed in something… usually right before dinner time because he gets hangry once he smells food and would be on my butt whining for a snack as I’m pull dinner out of the oven.

Anyway at the beginning, he’d be tuckered. Then we’d “squeeze-snuggle.” He’d sit on lap, back to front, and I’d wrap my arms around his torso, maybe toss a leg over his legs, mostly it was just a pillow or a blanket over his legs that I’d tuck under my own. I’d read to him, or we’d talk about our day, or he’d tell me a story.

Oh! I did learn this Squeezing technique later that I mix in with squeeze-snuggles… let me see if I can find a link… boo! I couldn’t! Basically, it was an extremities massage, where you take both hands and compress the upper arm, going down about a hand-length, switching to the opposite arm, then doing the legs one at a time, upper to lower. It’s important that you take a wide enough grasp; you don’t want to accidentally pinch. And you don’t want to strangle their limb, just squeeze it evenly throughout the whole circumference. Work high to low; you want excess energy to leave the body, not get drawn back up into their core. Don’t compress the torso or head/neck. Just the arms and legs. It’s okay to avoid hot spots, like ticklish zones or cuts/scrapes. And if you’re in public and feel weird about squeezing your kid’s upper thigh, starting lower where you’re comfortable is okay.

He prefers the sensory swing, so if I wander in and out of present and past tense, it’s because that’s his primary calming method. In public, we default to the vest. So I don’t often squeeze snuggle or do the squeeze massage anymore. Actually, my husband still does the squeeze massage. I think my son prefers it with him since his hands are bigger and he squeezes firmer. I think he gets asked more.

I did find this one, which describes my son’s therapy perfectly.

There are other things I found. I’d get a wild hair to “rearrange furniture” and need his help to push the couch around. When we take in groceries, oh, I need a strong kid to carry this gallon of milk. (Sometimes I swear the cultural meme of “women need men to lift and carry heavy stuff” starts as boys when mothers make work just to tire them out!)

Some of his other chores are also push/pull tasks. He takes the garbage to the cans on Mondays. On Tuesdays he pulls the cans back from the road to the garage. Wednesdays is grocery day. Thursdays he cleans the couch. Fridays he cleans his room for the weekend. These generally don’t end in calming inputs anymore. Eventually you try to stretch out the time. We do have gym time, but a lot of that is self-directed now, esp since he has access. He will voluntarily build with blocks or push against the wall (that’s another easy push-pull: put handprints on the wall that match his size/stance, and have him push the wall for a minute), and swing in his swing when he needs it.

When he’s disorganized, I do usually have to sit with him and direct him. He gets… recalcitrant… when his mood shifts, so I usually have to do some heavy tap-dancing to get him to cooperate with the process.

Anyway, the heavy lifting “chores” might be a good way to test the waters w/o learning anything that needs to be unlearned? Just, like with all chores for kids, don’t get wrapped up in them doing it well. Or alone. Or without making a bigger mess than what you had before they started. Lol

 

[pastorgreg113]

@notloveisnotjesus Holy crap. Thank you for taking the time to write this. Haha, yeah we found out at a super young age that the best way to keep him out of trouble is with a job. At 2 years old he was carrying a 4l bottle of water for us back from the supermarket, hehe. But around the house is hard, especially cleaning. We can't give him big tasks or he can't finish it. We can get him to do interesting things like building stuff (just today a bug trap for the cricket hiding in momma's room) but cleaning up is a huge battle. He has a big box of Lego and instead of playing with it from the box, he dumps the whole thing on the floor, and never can we convince him to put it back in. We also reward with some TV time. How old is yours? Sure seems like ours have a lot in common. After watching kid after kid sit still during daily activities while ours runs into traffic with zero recall is so frustrating. I'm ADHD, likely inherited but my mom said I was a calm kid, and my sister, the scholarly one, was much harder.

 

[notloveisnotjesus]

@pastorgreg113 5, but he was 4 -young 4- when we started OT.

I found the trouble with real chores is it turns into a battle of wills. I need the mess cleaned up, he’s overwhelmed with how big the mess is (think about how overwhelmed you get at a big mess, and you’re not a toddler), I need to not pick up the cursed Lego for the fiftieth time this week. Bam! Power struggle. Fight to the death, who’s gunna win?!?!

Even the chores my son does… they’re “chores”. I could do them in an eighth if the time with half of the mess. But, I spend 15/20 min a day standing next to him, telling him the next step in the process, ready with the hand vacuum to suck up any cat fur that got dumped out of the rubbish when he went to tie the bag.

For the real messes, some unsolicited advice - only put out what you can stand to clean up yourself. I once made the mistake of pulling out my husband’s childhood Brio train set… in its entirety… without putting anything else away. It was a disaster that by the end of it, everyone in the house had cried over. Including the cat, I’m pretty sure.

Anyway, my son will only play with two “things”. Everything is an airplane. Train track is an airplane. So, I’d reduce the quantity to a manageable amount, and rotate through things more frequently.

I'm ADHD

Me, too! My 10yo is too, and I’m pretty sure my 5 yo will be Dx when he’s old enough. Check my post history, I just posted my detail of my routines and how I accommodate being someone with ADHD raising kids with ADHD on a sub for women with ADHD (the post wasn’t about that; it was a comment, but you know how it goes when you get derailed, lol).

And sorta on that note, I got a bunch of clear bins for their toys, labeled them with what’s in them, and I keep them in the attic. Every month, I cycle through two or three. They only get as many bins as they can keep cleaned up. I have a list and if they want to swap, they can… if they exchange it for a bin in their room.

Honestly, they actually like it. It cuts down on overwhelm, it helps them keep a clean(er) room, and because I’m not stingy with swapping, they feel like a new bin is kinda of a new toy. Instant dopamine rush. My daughter is borderline growing out of Barbie’s, so she keeps them up in the attic, until a particular friend who loves Barbie’s comes over. She swaps and they go nuts.

Anyway, a suggestion!

And I find the more you can convince them that it’s actually their idea, the more cooperative they are (in that other post, see how I convince my son to lay out his clothing for the next day.)

 

[pastorgreg113]

@notloveisnotjesus Holy. Shit. I love you. Haha, can't follow up yet but can't wait to go through your comment history. Thanks again. this is such great info and immediately I can see ways it which it will not only help him but me too.

 

[carla25]

@pastorgreg113 Speak to his pediatrician for tips and tricks. I'm sure it's more.common than we think it is.

In the meantime you can try redirecting his energy. Have him bite a carrot or a stuffed animal. You can also just reassure him that you love him. Offer him the snuggle BEFORE he bites. When he looks like he is going to.

Toddlers throw tantrums because they lack the language to understand and communicate their emotions. It is not going to be like your uncle, although I understand that it's traumatic for you.

If your child is on the later side of 3 you can always offer to come up with an action plan with him. Ask him what a few things are that he would like to happen when he is upset. After the tantrum review the plan and see if you guys each held up your side of the bargain. (IE he'd like to sit in your lap and kick his legs out over the edge. Did you offer your lap? Did you need a key word like "Lap Kicks!!" For either you to use to offer the lap or him to use to request it).

Language and emotions are hard and this intersection is the hardest. You got this though

 

[lukemac17]

@pastorgreg113 I would not count this in the same category as SI self harm, if that helps to calm your fears. It is serving a very different purpose and does not mean your child is depressed. That said, I’m sure he could hurt himself and I don’t want to minimize that. If it becomes very severe, you may want to seek behavioral intervention (tbh this is beyond the scope of the average pediatrician). But I would assess the preceding events to determine what could be bringing it on and see if you can do anything proactive, as well as what you are doing in response that could be inadvertently rewarding it. This is not to say that you should ignore it. The general recommendation for something like this is to not have a big reaction to this because that can be reinforcing. Do what you need to do to keep him safe without a lot of visible emotions. It also needs to be taught that biting is not a way to escape the situation. I’ve literally seen kids who pull out their ventilator tubes as a means of escape. Be prepared for the extinction burst (a behavior getting worse before it gets better). Get some sensory chewy toys as a safe replacement.

ETA: I would also examine potential sensory processing triggers given what you said about sand on his feet.

 

[continualseeker]

@pastorgreg113 I would probably use the methods in this free parenting course. This is a version of the most effective parent training for solving behavior problems according to numerous randomized controlled trials. But if I felt the self-harm was serious enough, then I would consult my pediatrician. If the pediatrician did not do a referral or suggest an alternative effective method, then I would use the course methods.

The early videos in the course might solve the problem, but you might have to get to the video entitled "Simulations" which teaches the "Tantrum Game" that may be necessary for harmful tantrums that cannot be ignored. It's more reliable to not skip ahead since you need to master the base methods for the Tantrum Game.