@veganhippie My partner and I are 32, and thought we would have trouble conceiving. We were NTNP and we literally got pregnant so fast. Not saying that happens for everyone but I read a lot of stories of infertility and assumed it would affect us without evidence that would be the case.
As for future kids, I don’t know what the future holds for me but I don’t think I needed to be as concerned about fertility as I was to start with. I can see myself having the time/energy to squeeze two more kids in, if things go that way. But I think two is probably best for us.
@veganhippie I've had three babies starting at 30. There's a 2.5 year gap then an almost 3 year gap between kids. Planning to try for number 4 when number three is 18 months then I'm done. The goal is to be out of the baby stage by the time I'm 40.
Here's what I can tell you from my experience:
1) it's possible if get pregnant quick. That's not really in your control so it can really stress you if it's taking longer than you want.
2) each pregnancy is harder than the last. I don't know if that's age or just how pregnancies go. But each one has had more joint pain and muscle fatigue than the one before it. I work hard to stay fit and imagine it would be worse if you didn't.
3) it's a grind. You will almost never have a moment when someone doesn't want something from you (even if your partner is involved and even if you teach them age appropriate independence) that's not going to stop when you are pregnant or have a new born. Everytime it starts to slacken off (e.g. everyone is toilet trained and can make their own snacks) you're gonna start all over again with another baby.
4) life doesn't stop. At the start of covid we had to decide if we were going to stick to our plan or postpone for a global pandemic. If we delayed it would mean we'd be having at least one less kid. Your best laid plans will get rail roaded by life so planning it out to the nth degree isn't realistic and will just add stress.
@booboo Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m confused by what you were trying to say with the first sentence though. Are you saying “it’s possible to get pregnant quick”?
@veganhippie If you get pregnant quick. It's considered statistically normal to take up to 12 months to get pregnant. Most doctors won't be interested in fertility options for you if you haven't tried for at least 12 months. Though some countries suggest seeing a specialist after 6 months if you are over 35.
So if you DO have fertility issues it's going to take you at least 1 year of trying plus the time it takes to get into a specialist, get testing done then (hopefully) find an effective treatment.
There not any garenteed way to know if you will have fertility issues (you can get something that will indicate but it's not 100% accurate) until you actually start trying. So even if you are confident you won't have issue you might and you need to be mentally prepared for what that could mean. I longest I've tried for any of my pregnancies was 2 months. My sister tried for 10 years and couldn't get pregnant. Even with medical assistance. You just don't know how it's going to be for you.
@booboo Yes even though we have no actual worries about our fertility for now, we’re definitely trying to mentally prepare the best way we can in case we do have fertility issues. Like you said, there’s no way to really know for sure until we try, and most of it is not in our control, so I’m trying not too think about it too much for right now though.
@veganhippie We technically started in our 20’s so not exactly what you’re asking, but had our first at 28, second a few weeks before turning 30 and third at 31. So oldest was 3.5 when the youngest was born. My main point is that 8-10 years is plenty of time to have 3-4 kids if you end up wanting that. I know 2 under 2 isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but we’ve loved it! We’re strongly considering a 4th but unsure at the moment. I will say I think I’d do a slightly longer age gap for our last, but no more than 2.5 years between #3 and #4
I see a comment above about financial impacts. Obviously more kids is more expensive but even with our close spacing we’re only going to have to pay for daycare for 3 kids at once for 4 months then it goes back down to only 2 at a time because our oldest starts pre-k
@veganhippie Ours is actually not through the school system it’s mostly through daycares. It’s through the state though, that all kids can go to free pre-k. There is a small fee for after care if you need full day coverage (pre-k only goes till 2:30) but it’s very little compared to daycare cost
@veganhippie You definitely need to just plan as you go. I wanted 2 my entire life. Now we have one and I’m about 99% sure I’m done. I love him more than anything and wouldn’t trade it for the entire world, but man is it harder than you could ever imagine.
We’d love to have four or five kids total, but like you, we’re taking it one at a time.
We unfortunately had a pregnancy loss last November when we were NTNP. I don’t want to scare you, just share my reality that my journey hasn’t been at all what I expected, hoped, or wanted. You’re very right to not worry about things you can’t control but also prepare your heart for all the possibilities. I wish I had.
We’re since WTT again while we grieve and heal and I learn to track my cycles (and moving house this month, finishing my masters in April, things like that). I turn 30 in May, and we plan to try again in June. I have no reason to think at this point that I’ll have any issues with my future pregnancies. Statistically, recurrent MC is much more rare. The current plan is to start trying at 30 and have as many kids as my body will let me until I’m 40. We’re also okay with adopting. In total honesty, I’m basically hoping to be pregnant or breastfeeding for the next decade straight
@tamlamc I’m sorry about your loss! Yeah, we’re definitely trying to prepare as much as we can. No one can really be fully prepared, but the more prepared, the better haha. We’re also ok with adopting! Yeah being pregnant/breastfeeding for 8-10 years is going to be wild, but I’m just going to make sure to give myself grace and be open to anything. Like for example if breastfeeding doesn’t work out and I have to use formula, I don’t mind, and then I’ll reevaluate with each baby. Good luck and lots of baby dust to you guys!
@veganhippie Yesssss we can make all the plans we want and that’s great but we also have to be flexible with whatever the journey brings! thank you so much.
@veganhippie I would just say to plan as you go, you might completely change your mind. Personally, 4 pregnancies/kids plus grad school in 10 years sounds like a lot physically and mentally. I’m currently pregnant with my first and can’t imagine doing this 3 more times. I know lots do, but my point is until you experience it you might not know what you want.
@veganhippie Your 30's is still very, very young. There is no data to support your 30s being more or less like to conceive than your 20s. So you definitely don't have to worry about that.
@veganhippie Had my first at 33 (pregnant at 32). We plan to start TTC for number two this summer. We definitely want 2, but want to leave time for a 3rd just in case
@veganhippie it’s definitely possible for plenty of people! If you get pregnant within 6 months, pregnant for 9, wait the recommended 18 months, thats 2y9m per cycle. 9.5 years from TTC start to birth of a 4th kid. obviously that’s going to depend on your fertility and when you are actually ready to try for each child. You can consider starting earlier if you are ready earlier but your timeline, on paper, is fine.
cw grad, loss
my husband and I wanted to have 3 in six years and be done by thirty. we ended up having multiple miscarriages and needing ivf to have our daughter, and she will be the only baby I have in my twenties. we are WTT for a second but I’ll be 30 by the time we are ready. and I’m absolutely thrilled to have one baby. We’d like one more but if we only get one, we are still so blessed. I’m only saying this because I really wanted 3 and was also planning on timelines and such but now that she’s here I’m so much more comfortable going with the flow. It’s different I think once you are in it and out of the waiting years
@veganhippie Planning to have as many as possible starting at 30, not respecting recommendations about spacing, not concerned about childcare expenses. If that means less than 3, so be it.
Yeah, we’re definitely trying to prepare as much as we can. No one can really be fully prepared, but the more prepared, the better haha. We’re also ok with adopting! Yeah being pregnant/breastfeeding for 8-10 years is going to be wild, but I’m just going to make sure to give myself grace and be open to anything. Like for example if breastfeeding doesn’t work out and I have to use formula, I don’t mind, and then I’ll reevaluate with each baby. Good luck and lots of baby dust to you guys!
thank you so much.