3.5 y/o daughter said she doesn't like herself

[imperfectdesciple]

Unprompted to her mother. She said she doesn't like herself because she (as in my daughter) cries a lot.

It hit me pretty hard when I heard that. I know kids say all sorts of things and can forget some of them quickly. But some things they don't. I've read some horror stories on here even if how things can end up, some that may have been avoidable and same not. Just want to do everything I can.

I've read all sorts of books, we do our best at respectful parenting, giving her independence, knowing our boundaries but having fun where we can. Nothing currently seems out of the ordinary in our routine or at daycare or any other interactions. I tried to pick her brain about it and she reiterated it. I try not to just tell her how to feel but was kinda unsure on how to best handle it. She's a shy (yet loud) and particular girl that's slowly coming out of her shell with a laugh that'll make you melt.

Again, I know kids this age say all sorts of things, so I'm not sure what I'm looking for. It just has me looking towards the future a lot. Wise sage advice on how to best teach kids self love and to grow their confidence as they get older I guess. Just looking for a helpful mindset or some words to live by when approaching these kinds of situations.

 

[tapselbor]

@imperfectdesciple I suggest not letting it get in your head. It's possible she's trying to understand why she still has baby needs yet is also becoming a big girl. Maybe just hear her out and reassure her. I've got a feeling you've already been off to a good start with her.

 

[ngannguyenqh]

@tapselbor Agree with this. Who knows what she’s really trying to express with her young vocabulary. It may be as simple as not liking the way she feels, because she’s not verbally sophisticated enough to distinguish between her feelings and herself.

Also keep in mind that it’s normal to feel frustrated with things about ourselves. You could consider saying something like, “That sounds really hard. Sometimes I get upset with myself about my feelings, too. But I try to remind myself that all feelings are allowed, even upset or sad ones, and that upset and sad feelings don’t last forever. And you should know that I love you all the time, even if you’re sad or upset.”

 

[imperfectdesciple]

@tapselbor Yea I was trying to stop myself from reading into it too much but it just had me thinking of the next 15 years and how I feel ill equipped to prepare her. I think your take is nice and succinct and sounds right. Thanks

 

[johnlarsensmith]

@imperfectdesciple My son (5 years old) went through a few-week phase where he would say similar things, typically in response to a mistake he made, or me or my wife correcting an unwanted behavior.

When he said those things, I tried not to make a big deal out of it, because I think he was mainly looking for my reaction. I would respond with, "Well, I love you. Why don't you like yourself right now?" And he would either shrug his shoulders or say, "I just don't."

I would then remind him that many people have those feelings sometimes and that we are often harder on ourselves than we should be. I've told him that I have those thoughts sometimes, too. But when I feel that way, I think of all the people in my life that I love and know love me. I also told him that he doesn't have to go through those sad feelings alone and that any time he has those thoughts or feelings to let me know so we can either talk about it or just hug it out for a little bit.

I also made more of an effort to give him praise and positive affirmations throughout the day.

After a few weeks of that being a somewhat regular occurrence, he stopped saying it, and hasn't said it since. (It's been a few months now.)

Just keep talking/normalizing their feelings and teaching them more tools and words to work through those big emotions.

It is such a hard thing to hear, though. Good luck, brother!

 

[bryanj]

@imperfectdesciple Kids have a hard time expressing themselves. Hell, adults have a hard time expressing themselves - imagine how much harder it is when you have 1/10 the experience and vocabulary.

There are lots of ways to read a statement like that. It's totally normal for someone to be introspective and not like certain things about how they behave, that's a thing everyone does. Your kid's brain only just developed that ability and she's figuring out what it means.

It's a great opportunity to have a conversation with her about her feelings and how she's interpreting them. You don't even really need to give advice or try to help her at this stage, just getting her used to having conversations about how she feels and what other people feel is a great first step.

In that situation with my kid for example, I might have said something like "Oh no, that doesn't sound like a fun feeling! Did something happen to make you feel that way?" - and then really listen to what her answer is and ask some follow up questions about what happened, her state of mind, and ask her if she would want to do anything differently next time and if there's anything you can do to help.

A kid that young is probably going to lose interest in that conversation pretty fast and that's ok, but just getting them used to the idea that their feelings and thoughts are interesting to you, and they're something you would want to hear about, is a great first step.

 

[imperfectdesciple]

@bryanj I think I did take it too much at face value for her actually saying she didn't like herself and that she's likely just frustrated about certain feelings she can't manage. We do regularly talk about feelings and her frustrations and she always asks me if I'm frustrated when I let out a sigh so she can recognize a good range of emotions.

But my followup questions aren't great when it's more introspective than just crying over literal spilled milk. I'll keep your questions in mind, especially talking about what we can do next time and what would help. And the losing interest comment is very true. Ive since tried to talk her ear off about bad feelings and bad days and how we all go through them and yada yada and she was done with it after the first sentence.

 

[bryanj]

@imperfectdesciple Sounds like you're already doing a great job! The main thing she's going to take away from those types of conversation is "dad likes to talk to me about how I'm feeling" and that's already great, lots of kids never get that. A lot of her introspective feelings are going to make absolutely no sense, just like when they have a tantrum because a toy they liked yesterday is suddenly the wrong colour or whatever. But they don't have to make sense when they're little, that's just how small kids are.

For context, my kid developed a huge problem around age 3 with any activity where they couldn't get the outcome they wanted. They would have huge tantrums because their drawing didn't look how they wanted it, or they didn't have the right Lego bricks to make a perfect house, or whatever. Sometimes they expressed it as being angry at the drawing, and sometimes as being angry at themselves for not being good enough to get the result they wanted, which was totally heartbreaking too!

We had this type of conversation with the kid for years about these feelings, and it didn't really improve anything except they didn't have so many tantrums about it. It took until they were 5 or 6 for this perfectionist streak to die down and they love drawing and writing and all that now. So I guess the other thing to say is that your kid has plenty of time to master those negative feelings, and you'll have plenty of opportunities to talk about it. It's not a problem you can solve right now, or something you need to.

 

[mark1974]

@imperfectdesciple Get the book " I like myself"

I read it to my son every day and honestly, it's works as affirmations for myself as well. I've been feeling better since I started reading it

 

[imperfectdesciple]

@mark1974 Just ordered and should come tomorrow. Top of the reading list