2 siblings vs only child learning a second language

[christianguy2121]

Both my partner and I are Vietnamese who live in the US. We both speak English and Vietnamese fluently and we want to have two children who can speak and write both languages.

Our question is: which is more difficult to raise as bilingual, 2 siblings or only child. After meeting our friends’ 2 children, we have been pondering ourselves ever since.

Our friends are Vietnamese Americans like us (born and raised in Vietnam). They have 7 and 9 years old kids. The older sibling used to speak English and Vietnamese fluently but as soon as the younger sibling entered elementary school, they both talk almost exclusively in English with each other. Their Vietnamese are deteriorating because there is now an English speaking group in the family.

So it seems we can easily force an only child to speak Vietnamese exclusively at home. However, if there are two siblings, they are very likely to speak English with each other while still speaking some Vietnamese to the parents. Any tip or trick to raise 2 siblings learning 2 languages (Vietnamese and English)?

 

[godmadegorillas]

@christianguy2121 You can't dictate what language the kids speak to each other. I know many families with multiple children, mine included, where the kids speak the minority language but they don't speak it to each other 100% of the time. And I think that's okay.
I also have a friend who began speaking to her sister in the minority language when she was a teenager since it became a "secret language" that nobody around them could speak, so you never know. I think you can have the peace of mind knowing that you're doing your best but ultimately it's up to the kids to decide how and when they will use it.

 

[relle25]

@christianguy2121 It's really a crapshoot. We have three kids, our older kids are in preschool and elementary school and despite their fluency in the community language and their everyday immersion in it, they generally still speak to each other in our (my husband's and I) native languages at home like 90 percent of the time. At some point it could still change, but I think generally speaking, your best bet to success to having kids be multilingual is keeping it as consistent as possible, keeping it fun (doing things in the minority language/s like watching movies, listening to music, finding peers who are fellow speakers, etc) and immersion whenever possible via relatives, schools, babysitters, visiting the countries that speak the minority language/s, etc. Even if at some point the kids prefer to speak the community language to each other, it doesn't mean that they are going to lose the minority language, especially if they end up with some immersive experiences in the future.

Motivation certainly helps though as well as parents' attitudes. If the kids sense that the parents don't find their native languages important, or if the parents convey a sense of embarrassment or reticence about speaking the minority languages in public, kids will often pick up on that.

But if you're consistent, I don't think it's necessarily something to stress about or even be able to predict. Lots of my multilingual friends raising kids have experiences similar to mine as well where the kids still speak the minority languages to each other most of the time at home, so it is not a given that the kids will revert all the time to the community language as well.

 

[johnnyhudson]

@christianguy2121 You got to adjust your attitude.

we want to have two children who can speak and write both languages

That is not the right way to frame the issue. You want two kids and you want to teach them both languages. What they do with that knowledge is up to them. Forcing them to speak a certain language won't give you the results you desire, it will grow resentment. You can encourage them to speak a certain language to each other, but by no means should it be mandatory.

My MIL grew up in an household where she was forced to use the minority language until about 15 exclusively. She rebelled HARD and had a pretty rocky relationship with her parents and the one sister who was totally into the language shenanigans. It's not a good sign to be die hard on these issues. Gentle encouragement, making them see how useful it is too have two languages, lots of positive exposure and making it a fun experience will be much better for your parenting journey than forcing them.

 

[jamesmason10]

@christianguy2121 I have an only child and still can't force her to speak to me in my language. Once they get into the real world you can't control all their influences.

 

[barsomo]

@christianguy2121 You cannot and absolutely shouldn’t force your kids to speak a language and you will have no say in which language they speak between themselves. You can only choose what you speak to them and if you want them to be bilingual, it’s probably best to exclusively speak Vietnamese at home and leave English to the community/school. That way you are giving them the maximum exposure to the minority language. Even if you do all that, there’s no guarantee that they’ll turn out bilingual. Likewise, just because your friends kids Vietnamese is deteriorating, it doesn’t mean the same will happen to your kids.

I would imagine that if a minority languages is spoken at home exclusively, it will be beneficial to raise two kids in that environment because they have each other to talk to. On the other hand, it’s normal for siblings to speak the community language between themselves because their peers at daycare and school speak it too and it’s their language of play.

 

[aldredian]

@christianguy2121 This article actually covers the scenario of two kids and kids trying to switch on you.

https://chalkacademy.com/encourage-minority-language-trilingual-family/

I think it just comes down to how you enforce it.

I have an only child and because Dad doesn't speak Mandarin, he's speaking more English at home and his Mandarin is deteriorating. So we plan a lot of Mandarin play dates for him. He plays in Mandarin with this friend and they're used to playing with eacother in Mandarin but recently, they're starting to switch so one of us Mandarin speaking parents will head over and start engaging with them to get them to switch back.

It's just nudging and more nudging to keep them from switching. They're still young though (3.5) so .... we probably can't do much once they both start school. Sometimes, an older boy who's at school does join our playgroup and he generally also play with the kids in Mandarin. I feel like it needs us parents there. Essentially, I'd play with the kids and ask them questions. Or join in their game and because I interact with them in Mandarin they switch. So I feel that's probably what we'll have to keep doing which is interact with the kids in Mandarin on play dates. Once they're in high school, I doubt we can influence as much but by then, they're unlikely to forget the language.

As for myself, raised in Australia since I was 6. My parents banned English at home. It's just not allowed at home. So we've always spoke Mandarin to our parents and never switched.

And then my dad tells my older brother to not talk to me unless I speak Mandarin. My brother (11 at the time) obliged. And our parents were pretty strict on it so my brother and I continued speaking Mandarin.

It's only when I was in high school that we started to code switch a bit but even then, I'd say we're mostly speaking Mandarin because we're used to it.

I'd say the biggest driver to keep up the language is to build a relationship and good memories using the language.

My mum taught me to read and then just stocked the house filled with books I like to read. They let me read mangas since I was interested in it and that's a natural motivator for me to keep using the language. And then at home, as a family, we'd binge watch Chinese TV shows all the time. Probably my fondest memories. So again, lots of reasons to keep using the language. I was allowed to watch cartoons in Chinese as well so more reasons to keep using it. And then the TV shows we'd watch is all period dramas so complicated language as well which really helped with my vocabulary.

So yeah. Find family activities to do together in Vietnamese and give your kids a reason to keep using it. Go back to Vietnam often. My parents took us back to Taiwan every summer holiday where I had no choice but to speak Mandarin with my grandparents and cousins.

 

[pterinochilus]

@christianguy2121 Kids will speak the language of their school peers to each other.

My sibling and I are fluent in our heritage language. Our parents raised us in it. We speak out to our own kids. But we speak English to each other. We could be speaking in Thai, and we do if we need to snark in secret, but usually it's American English.

OP, what language do you usually speak with your spouse?

 

[christianguy2121]

@pterinochilus Vietnamese, since it is our mother tongue and first language.

 

[zhuru523]

@christianguy2121 if it helps, I grew up with siblings and we spoke in Chinese and English (although moreso English when we were younger) together. However, when it came to our parents we spoke only Chinese. Now we’re all bilingual.

What this means is that it’s okay for the siblings to speak in English, as long as your children have already established a Vietnamese connection with their parents. It felt, and still feels weird to speak English with my dad even though he speaks it. So I only ever spoke Chinese with my parents.