Hi! First time posting. I’m actually my brothers older sister (19) but my parents are pretty absent when it comes to him and school a lot of it falls on my plate. I need advice on what to do. He has been getting straight F’s in school since 5th grade, always has excuses as to why, never listens, he always thinks he’s right (very entitled), and he is always the victim. This is how he is when it comes to school. My parents have tried and tried in the past but they said they gave up because he is so exhausting. He is the type of kid you take away his toy and he doesn’t care he finds something else- or my parents felt bad and would give it back to him 1 day later. Anyway, i have been trying to be very stern with my brother on school making schedules, taking away his video games all of the big stuff. Last semester he was doing poorly and managed to go from straight F’s to D’s and C’s and at this point i’ll take what i can get. But it’s early in the semester and i’m trying to get him to do better. He’s been doing well but every time i look away for one second there are 2 missing assignments in each class and bad test scores in other classes. Today i told him to start school homework at 2:45 and he got so upset because last semester he had to start at 3. I stayed stern on 2:45 but it caused an even bigger blow up. He continued to say “You suck, you always take away things” and he starts to mock me with facial expressions and words. (And that really really gets to me when he does that, brings out the worse in me) And it just gets worse and worse and i told him “ why are you so upset about losing 15 minutes? You’ll start school sooner but finish faster.” And he goes on and on about how he proved himself to start at 3 and i told him he really had no grounds to be deserving of extra hang out time and he says “Yes i have no life no decisions no grounds.” I stayed stern on 2:45 to start school work. Was this a smart or bad decision? Should i have left it alone and said fine to starting at 3? I just need some advice. The whole argument seemed very childish and juvenile but that comes from us still being siblings even though I have taken over the parent position in the school department. Any advice please.
16 year old brother and school
- Thread starter cody778
- Start date
-
- Tags
- parenting teens
lightofaquarius
New member
@cody778 You are taking on so much and that is very impressive. As a Mom of teens and a teacher, there will be a point where he has to decide what he wants in life and make it happen. If school isn't for him, then maybe he needs an alternative school that will teach him a trade. Maybe the school has a special program to help students who are not motivated and aren't succeeding in the regular classroom. Honestly, I would call the school and see if you can set up an appointment with his counselors. Explain the situation just like you did here and ask if there are any alternative programs that would be better suited for your brother. Ultimately, it is his life and he has to be the one to make the choice.
@lightofaquarius Very true he always goes on about how school is “stupid” and that all anyone cares about is tests and grades. He takes interests in only certain subject like Drama and History but everything else he belittles. But he always says he wants to graduate high school, so that’s where my confusion is with him. He made the choice he wants to finish high school, so why doesn’t he self start why does he dismiss assignments?
lightofaquarius
New member
tboymessiah
New member
@cody778 I raised my 2 years younger bro, too. You must let him fail and take on life for himself, especially as a teen. Technically it is Not your job, it’s your parents- even if they are not doing it. I believe you love him, but you could very well burn-out. It sneaks up- the stress of this responsibility before it’s time in your life. Please, take care of yourself. Have a peer-to-peer convo with him, not to get him to where you want him, but to help you respect his personhood and decision-making. Years pass- it will turn out ok. Sending energy for your mental health.
@tboymessiah 100% agree with this. OP has taken too much on herself and when brother fails, OP may blame herself. This situation is not sustainable long term.
@tboymessiah Came here to say this. My three brothers were 7-11 years younger than me so I was always in charge until I decided I didn't want to be the parent anymore and moved out.
OP obviously cares about her brother very much but this is NOT HER JOB. The parents shouldn't be allowing OP to take on this kind of responsibility because it's only going to cause resentment between OP and her parents and OP and her brother.
OP, You are NOT the parent. Please take a step back, look after yourself, and work on disentangling yourself from the parental role you've taken on because in my experience, you won't be able to have a happy and healthy relationship with your brother until you two act like SIBLINGS again.
OP obviously cares about her brother very much but this is NOT HER JOB. The parents shouldn't be allowing OP to take on this kind of responsibility because it's only going to cause resentment between OP and her parents and OP and her brother.
OP, You are NOT the parent. Please take a step back, look after yourself, and work on disentangling yourself from the parental role you've taken on because in my experience, you won't be able to have a happy and healthy relationship with your brother until you two act like SIBLINGS again.
hisangelonearth
New member
@cody778 I’m wondering if this in not a school issue at all. Could you go to family counseling with him? Even if it’s just the two of you? My experience is that if I can calm down and explain why I am making decisions my son responds better.
And, in really looking at my family dynamic, husband and I are divorcing. And there’s a lot of confusion within the family.
Again, this is me. But thought it might be helpful to you.
And, in really looking at my family dynamic, husband and I are divorcing. And there’s a lot of confusion within the family.
Again, this is me. But thought it might be helpful to you.
I hope you don't burn yourself out. ❤jamieredheaduk
New member
@cody778 I can tell you my experience parenting and as an older sister in charge ( all boys boys boys ) that you have to 1 choose your battles- you walk a find line between sibling friend and caretaker .you will find that little things like 15 minutes matter less then being consistent - this is key ( this is so much stress for you it's hard to do this for ourselves but you are also his power of example) finally try to have fun too. Inject some humor or take a walk together here and there . Boys can't / don't think quite the same ( look it's true not less just different in general ) their brains continue to develop until their mid 20's they need ( what to us is obvious ) but they need direction - can't say clean your room you have to say make bed, toss trash , clear floor area ( put clothes here )
Your doing great ! You may also agree on a reward for even better grades or certain chores - doesn't have to be financial just personal and symbolic
Ps as far as alternative GED it is a sort of different degree and it is very academic I had one kid who dropped out and getting his GED was a horror show for him - that's not to say there aren't alternatives it's just that going it alone can be basically impossible ( he could check it out Online to see the requirements to get a sense of how oh h he is to be doing it piecemeal with his peers )
Your doing great ! You may also agree on a reward for even better grades or certain chores - doesn't have to be financial just personal and symbolic
Ps as far as alternative GED it is a sort of different degree and it is very academic I had one kid who dropped out and getting his GED was a horror show for him - that's not to say there aren't alternatives it's just that going it alone can be basically impossible ( he could check it out Online to see the requirements to get a sense of how oh h he is to be doing it piecemeal with his peers )
@cody778 wanna say you’re efforts feel like they come from a loving place and your story is touching. you’re not alone and there are many people in your similar situation. i will slightly agree what others said he will need to find his own path. there is not much more important than that in becoming an adult. something you may be able to help find him is a good male role model. i believe your brother knows what he should or should not do, and he is smarter than most people in his life believe and really looking for someone he can look up to who cares about his feelings and not just his success. i wish you both the best