14 yo son called me a b***h

[abovethewaves]

This stung! I think I’m a good mom. Not perfect. We get along 75% of the time, which I think is good for the teen years. However, I have a 26 year old son and he never called me names. We got along perfectly and still do. My 14 yo has a completely different personality than I do and we see things very differently, which leads to conflict. I let a lot of things go and don’t take them personally because I know his hormones are going nuts. But for some reason when he calls me names it just hurts. I react badly to this and we end up not talking for a day or two. What’s a reasonable way to handle this? Am I just too uptight thinking name calling is unacceptable?

Edit: The reason for the argument was stupid. He likes to tell me how to drive even though he’s always on his phone when I’m driving and literally couldn’t even tell you how to navigate to our house. He accused me of cutting off a car. Which I did not do. Which he didn’t even see because he was on his phone.

 

[pastorben]

@abovethewaves My son and I had a disagreement yesterday. He has been falling behind in school work, making excuses, not telling the truth. I called him on the ever changing story. He ended up angry, saying “Fuck You”

I absolutely don’t think swearing at your parent is an appropriate response. I disengaged and left the conversation. In the moment, I didn’t see any point in addressing it and further escalating. I think it’s better to disengage and discuss when things are cool.

 

[julia13]

@pastorben This is absolutely the right answer...a teenager saying fuck you, or you're a bitch is the exact same energy as a 3ry old calling you a poopyhead and saying I hate you, you're a mean mom.

Which means... don't lose your shit at the kid, dont escalate the situation like everyone is saying here..and talk to them later about why it isn't okay to use those words.

All this 'take their phone away..they are grounded' garbage..just shows them that you are triggered by mean word...boo hoo. What a silly thing to give up your control over.

 

[pastorben]

@julia13 I think so. Disengaging sends the message you won’t listen to abusive words. Gives the opportunity for both parties to evaluate their approach and have a do over if needed.

If it’s a pattern of behaviour, might be time to rethink approach and see if something else might be going on.

 

[jenydias]

@abovethewaves There's a lot of anger from other parents here, saying they would never tolerate or accept that, and then threats of physical violence toward the child, not cool.

Having said that, your son is in hormonal hell, angry at everything, and you for some reason. He decided to try his luck at speaking to you disrespectfully, put a toe in the water so to speak. As one of the other parents on here said you have to get over the being sad bit and parent him more strongly.

I went through hell earlier this year due to my son acting out. Our whole family did, and I had to learn to put my big girl pants on and be a whole lot tougher. I hadn't planned on doing that, I was quite content just pootling along, my other kid didn't require me turning into Darth Vader or whatever. It was difficult for me, but I forced myself to be a bit tougher and a bit meaner, and it has benefited my son and me.

You have to practice being tougher and he will kick back against it for sure, but you need to keep the upper hand, and yes, take the phone away from him. If he 'inconveniences' you by making you feel sad because he uses abusive words towards you, well you damn well inconvenience him. It's the only way. Remember he is testing the limits here, so you show him them. Good Luck.

 

[sparrowfeet]

@abovethewaves Oooof. That’s a hard one. I try to remember that teens are like big toddlers — they have a whole lot going on and they don’t regulate well. I am not excusing the behavior, but it is helpful to contextualize.

So, I’d warn against the domination style of parenting (believing he is just testing you and cracking down harder on him.) For a first time, I’d wait until things calm down and then discuss it and give him a chance to apologize. Think about what a reasonable consequence would be if he were to do it again, and let him know that it isn’t acceptable, and X will happen if it happens again. The goal though is for him to acknowledge that it was wrong, and to apologize, and do better.

My son cusses a lot when he gets angry — no name calling, but it was still upsetting. Recently I noticed on some reality show that most young adults’ language with their peers is very rough. I think teens sometimes have trouble shifting between ‘discourse communities.’ (Like, knowing when it is ok to curse.) It is our job to help them with that. I have not been perfect in this regard, and my son’s peer group (athletes and nerds both) cuss a lot. So.. I guess I’m saying that it probably feels very personal, but it may not be that personal.

But sorry - that would hurt for sure.

 

[cgk2005]

@abovethewaves I get the sting and hurt you feel. Try and remember that they haven't reached the maturity to verbalize better and are feeling a lot of emotions that are hard to process. (((HUGS)))