12.5 yo won’t stay home with me

[sidewalkchalk]

Should I force my 12.5F to spend days with me that legally belong to me? Her other parent and I share custody, but for several weeks now she’s spending more and more time with her grandmother, in the same city where we live. We took a vacation together for a week and she wanted me to drop her off with her grandmother and she’s been there a week. She just left other parents care & is back with grandmother. This happened last summer too because there are two kids her age who live next door to her grandma. I miss her but she doesn’t respond to my texts and the only time she texts me is to ask me to buy something for her. I realize the communication issues are typical for her age group, but it really hurts that she prefers her grandmothers company to mine. She actually calls her grandmothers home “my home” she does this also with our home & her other parent’s home. I think part off her staying away is because she has chores here (load dishwasher & take recycle bin to the street) and also because she easily manipulates grandmother to take her shopping etc everyday. I also have to work M-F and don’t have that kind of availability. Our relationship is otherwise good, so it’s hard dealing with her absence. I’m loathe to force her to be home because I expect an attitude that is no fun being around. So I feel stuck in a difficult spot.

 

[monstershouter]

@sidewalkchalk No 12 year old is old enough to dictate the terms of their living arrangements. You're her parent - set and enforce rules, gently but consistently. One of those rules is how much time she spends with each of you.

 

[sidewalkchalk]

@monstershouter Thanks. I agree. But also want her to spend time with friends and grandparents. I’ll be better about reinforcing rules.

 

[livingontheedge]

@sidewalkchalk It’s normal for kids of this age to be more interesting in hanging out with friends. Would it be possible for you to find some friends for her where you live? I would suggest finding a local activity where you could both possibly meet new people. Maybe a karate class , library group or something of the sort. I would also suggest to have a serious conversation with other parent and grandmother about how to best help her stay on track with her visits. I’m assuming her other parent dropped her off at grandmas (if so you may want to find out why - especially if she was suppose to be with you). Could you possibly talk to grandmother about giving her some chores when she is at her house as well.

You also mention that when you text her she doesn’t respond if your paying her cell phone bill now would be the time to use that to your advantage. And if not and she doesn’t answer your text , call her grandmothers house.

Could you possible leave her at grandmas while you work then since you live in the same town pick here up and afterward. It would give her time to spend with her friends and her grandmother . Then you could still spend time with her after work and in the morning. Just set firm pick up time if you go this route. With consequences if she gives you a hard time.

Children this age sometimes push parents away to develop their own identity but make no mistake this is usually the time they need their parents love and support the most. Good luck

 

[indian72]

@sidewalkchalk Can you find a compromise where she spends one or two nights with her grandmother? Having kids her age next door is possibly the main draw for her being there, at that age they only want to spend time with other people there age. Also maybe have a word with grandma and ask her not to spoil her as it’s making it difficult for you.

 

[sidewalkchalk]

@indian72 That’s usually the way it works during the school year. And basically what I said to her in the past. But what happens is she’s there and I get a text about spending another night and then another. And it snowballs. The grandma is a retired widow who makes herself completely available to my child, which is super, but has created this issue. I’ll talk with her about not being so accommodating. Ty.

 

[edisaved64]

@sidewalkchalk No if she likes them more dont take them away ask respectfully

 

[sidewalkchalk]

@edisaved64 Ty

 

[hisangelonearth]

@sidewalkchalk Is the time she spends with Gramma your time only, our also the other parent's? It's unclear if you live in the same city or not.

This could be totally benign (what 12 year old doesn't prefer attention and friends?). It's OK to sit down and set up ground rules that work for all. For example, she can spend days (when you are at work), but you will be picking her up for dinner, for example. Tell her that she can sleep over 1 night per week, and ask (e.g. maybe Fridays are when the neighbour's kids are able to hang out later).

It's easy to give in to avoid making waves, but you don't want to lose the lines of communication thst you have with your kid.

 

[sidewalkchalk]

@hisangelonearth Grandma and I live in the same city. Her other parent lives in an adjacent town. It varies. Sometimes the other parent lets her spend one of their assigned days with grandma. But she’s spending all of my assigned days with grandma. Thanks. Yes I agree that keeping lines of communication open is key.