12.5 yo won’t stay home with me

[sidewalkchalk]

Should I force my 12.5F to spend days with me that legally belong to me? Her other parent and I share custody, but for several weeks now she’s spending more and more time with her grandmother, in the same city where we live. We took a vacation together for a week and she wanted me to drop her off with her grandmother and she’s been there a week. She just left other parents care & is back with grandmother. This happened last summer too because there are two kids her age who live next door to her grandma. I miss her but she doesn’t respond to my texts and the only time she texts me is to ask me to buy something for her. I realize the communication issues are typical for her age group, but it really hurts that she prefers her grandmothers company to mine. She actually calls her grandmothers home “my home” she does this also with our home & her other parent’s home. I think part off her staying away is because she has chores here (load dishwasher & take recycle bin to the street) and also because she easily manipulates grandmother to take her shopping etc everyday. I also have to work M-F and don’t have that kind of availability. Our relationship is otherwise good, so it’s hard dealing with her absence. I’m loathe to force her to be home because I expect an attitude that is no fun being around. So I feel stuck in a difficult spot.

 

[monstershouter]

@sidewalkchalk No 12 year old is old enough to dictate the terms of their living arrangements. You're her parent - set and enforce rules, gently but consistently. One of those rules is how much time she spends with each of you.

 

[sidewalkchalk]

@monstershouter Thanks. I agree. But also want her to spend time with friends and grandparents. I’ll be better about reinforcing rules.

 

[livingontheedge]

@sidewalkchalk It’s normal for kids of this age to be more interesting in hanging out with friends. Would it be possible for you to find some friends for her where you live? I would suggest finding a local activity where you could both possibly meet new people. Maybe a karate class , library group or something of the sort. I would also suggest to have a serious conversation with other parent and grandmother about how to best help her stay on track with her visits. I’m assuming her other parent dropped her off at grandmas (if so you may want to find out why - especially if she was suppose to be with you). Could you possibly talk to grandmother about giving her some chores when she is at her house as well.

You also mention that when you text her she doesn’t respond if your paying her cell phone bill now would be the time to use that to your advantage. And if not and she doesn’t answer your text , call her grandmothers house.

Could you possible leave her at grandmas while you work then since you live in the same town pick here up and afterward. It would give her time to spend with her friends and her grandmother . Then you could still spend time with her after work and in the morning. Just set firm pick up time if you go this route. With consequences if she gives you a hard time.

Children this age sometimes push parents away to develop their own identity but make no mistake this is usually the time they need their parents love and support the most. Good luck

 

[indian72]

@sidewalkchalk Can you find a compromise where she spends one or two nights with her grandmother? Having kids her age next door is possibly the main draw for her being there, at that age they only want to spend time with other people there age. Also maybe have a word with grandma and ask her not to spoil her as it’s making it difficult for you.