10 y/o Daughter Doesn’t Want to Visit Father

[tek454btu]

My ex and I broke up about 3 years ago. He was never an involved parent and his time and money have always been his, even when we were together.

My 17 year old hasn’t spoken to him in over 2 years because he did some significant damage to her mental health by being an overbearing, overly dramatic narcissist.

Our 10 year old lives with me full time. He pays child support every month without fail but that’s the extent of his contributions. He rarely texts her and requests a visit perhaps once every 4 or 5 weeks. His visits are usually a Saturday pickup around noon and a Sunday drop off by one pm.

She HATES going. She says he lays in his bed and watches tv the whole time she’s there…in another room. He is snappy with her when she asks for things, and he sleeps until 11 am or noon on the Sunday every single time.

A lot of tears and anxious belly aches come around even just a text from him. She told me this morning that she wishes he would just forget about her and leave her alone because she hates him

I believe he loves her, but he doesn’t love anybody more than he loves himself. I’ve attempted to discuss this with him and he always says he will change but of course, that lasts one visit and then back to normal. She begs me not to say more because then he talks to her about it and ends up making her feel bad because his feelings are hurt that she doesn’t want to go.

I’ve tried telling her that father loves her and she needs to spend time with him, but her anxiety over this is nearly crippling her at this point and I don’t know what to do.

 

[matteoiv]

@tek454btu I read something last night that made me pause and think for a good ten minutes. I’m currently reading a book about covert narcissism and (to paraphrase) it said that since narcissists are incapable of empathy, they can’t truly love anyone including their own children.

If he really is a narc, he’s only seeing your daughter to look good in front of others. Not because he actually wants to spend any time with her. If I were you, I’d stop sending her and tell him to take you back to court. I seriously doubt that he will. He will blame you for not getting to see his kid anymore, but your daughter will be free from his abuse.

He’s making your daughter feel bad for telling you about his own bad behavior. That is not acceptable.

 

[dawei7]

@tek454btu I wouldn't condition her to accept that behavior from him as love. It sound enabling and could affect how she picks partners as an adult.

I would also get her into counseling so you have an unbiased 3rd party documenting her anxiety and stomach issues. If there isn't a court order forcing her to go I would rethink making her go.

 

[tek454btu]

@dawei7 That hits home. I think even 3 years later, I’m still conditioned to avoid his backlash myself. You’re 100% correct

 

[dawei7]

@tek454btu She can always be busy with plans especially if he requests last minute. Healthy time boundary setting. If he cannot respect her enough to plan out things ahead of time ... She's busy and she shouldn't be forced to give up experiences/memories to be ignored for 24 hours.
There's also the meal suggestion someone else commented.
"I'm sorry she has x but has time for a quick lunch."
Sports/band/birthday/event you already paid for etc

 

[isaiah9six]

@tek454btu What would your daughter think about going out for a meal with him vs a sleepover? On his end, it makes him "look" good because he's seeing her and taking her out. For your daughter, she gets the benefit of not spending more than a few hours with him, but also he actually does have to kinda pay attention to her?

Not sure how your ex would respond to that and how to present it to him without him getting mad, but maybe worth a shot?

 

[chaosensues]

@tek454btu Don’t make her go if she doesn’t want to.
My child stopped wanted to see her dad a few years ago at 13. She got sick every time it was his weekend so I wouldn’t send her because he didn’t know how to deal with sickness. Turns out she admitted some abuse and how he acts when he’s drunk so I stopped sending her. When he asked about it frankly told him she doesn’t feel comfortable around him and he drinks too much and she doesn’t like it. He never questioned it and knows it’s the truth and she hasn’t spent time with him in 2 years. He doesn’t push it. He knows if it went to court she would tell a judge or social worker everything and he prefers alcohol to his child.
There is a reason your child doesn’t want to go. Please listen.

 

[kabob]

@tek454btu Let her decide whether she wants to go next time. Let her tell him. More importantly, let her decide for herself if her father loves her instead of telling her he does. Encourage her to keep her own candle lit. Don't let him snuff it out.

It's ok to let someone go if they choose not to make room for you in their life. She needs to know that it's ok to feel that way.