Wife suddenly wants me to work part time - I disagree (T-minus 2 months)

[sumune37]

First time dad to be. Wife is 32 wks pregnant and we're thrilled and excited and couldn't want this more.

I always assumed we would do daycare. Since COVID occurred my wife insisted she wouldn't be OK with daycare and we'd need to find a nanny at least until pre-k. We thought maybe we can limit the days we need care somehow.

Amazingly I was able to get a schedule adjustment approved to compress my schedule and be home Fridays. It is truly amazing because I know that others have been denied this sort of flexibility in recent past.

My wife has no such flexibility afforded to her,though she does have the option to work 4 days if one of those days is a weekend day (currently she's M-F.
She always says she wishes she had part time options and if she could leave her job she would etc etc. I personally I am grateful to get 1 day a week approved but I don't share that sentiment.

My wife makes ~$100k+bonuses+stock, I make ~$94K+Top Tier Benefits+Pension. Both of us have been fortunate and have been promoted relatively quickly and the outlook on that upward movement is good for both of us.

Now we're 2 months out. We call a nanny agency today to get the ball rolling on this and upon finding out it will cost us $6,000 just to use the agency services to hire a nanny, and that it will on average cost us ~$40k a year for a nanny she's questioning everything.

Repeating that if she had part time options she would do it in a heartbeat and she wishes we could afford for her to just stop working for a year and if she could she would etc. Still daycare is not an option for her. No mention of working 4 days by working 1 weekend day.

Then she says, can you drop down to part time? Now I was FLOORED that my 4 day work week was approved. My position is a full time position not to mention I just took on a ton of new responsibilities and expect to be promoted again soon. Also I know for a fact others have been flat denied schedule flexibility in the same position..which is classified as full-time with no flex options.
I told her that my position is full time and I don't think that's an option to just do that. I also don't want to just sacrefice my career for 2 years.

She tells me I just won't do it because of my pride.

WTF?

 

[morio123]

@sumune37 I’d encourage you and your wife to focus on covering shorter term childcare needs, and not worry about pre-k yet.

It’s totally normal for your wife to be behaving this way - literally every hormone in her body is telling her to.

How much time is she taking off at birth? Do you have any leave and/or vacation time to take once she has to go back? Can either or both of you take a few months of unpaid leave?

For whatever days you’re both working, you’re going to need childcare. That’s okay. You can cobble it together with babysitters, family, working weird hours or you can go with daycare or a nanny.

By the time your baby is 6 months, they will be able to be vaccinated for COVID-19, given Moderna’s press release today.

I’d caution the condensed schedule. 10+ hours away from home when there’s a baby will be tough. You’ll be tired from working a longer day, and you’ll likely need to jump in parenting immediately. Then, once your kid gets onto a normal routine and asleep at 7-730pm nightly, you won’t see them. So I would only do it temporarily.

 

[sumune37]

@morio123 We're each taking off 20 weeks after the baby arrives; one month home together followed by alternating months off until around December so the baby will be ~6 months old when we need to shift to child care.

I am doing a combination of compressed schedule and voluntary work reduction to work 36 hours a week 4 days a week to allow better scheduling to share home duties and stuff. Also I work from home 2-3 days a week though it's not a guarantee that that is permanent it seems likely to stay.

The main issue is that she is against daycare and now is balking at the cost of a nanny and pushing me to try to work part time when I don't think is allowed NOR do I want to do that.

Thank you for the feedback though it's helpful to think about her current state of mind and I understand why she feels it... Just don't love her suddenly trying to guilt me into a major career and life adjustment because she doesn't want outside child care.

 

[callingantioch]

@sumune37 Not sure how your state is but might want to look into it further..

In California, women can get up to 2 months off before baby comes, but standard is 1 month of disability followed by 6 weeks or 8 weeks of c section. She then gets 8 or 8 weeks Paid family Leave for bonding and the dad gets 6?;

So 6+8+6 that's 4 months before using any leave...

The price of childcare seems very expensive for a nanny might want to look at somewhere you can drop the child off or a baby that takes care of 2 children. I'm doing the same thing right now, baby is due August and child care in my area is $1300 monthly.. which if I make my taxable income go down through 401K,. Anything under 125k gets refunded at a 50% rate through federal tax credits. I think it gets phased out at 200K so something to take into consideration.

I get it, it can be tough and that's my concern with my wifes career too. She's worked so hard in school to throw it away and step away for too long but seeing that childcare number can be a little insane. My opinion and what I friek about the most is the first year while their fragile and then the next 4 until you can pawn them off at school lol.

Also, why not get a nanny for 6 months-1 year until the child is in a less fragile status ? By then the child is past that danger zone, and maybe she'll be more open to the idea of community child care

 

[jamiee]

@callingantioch OP didn't even mention they were in the US so that's a lot of US-centric stuff that may not apply to him.

 

[morio123]

@sumune37 You guys sound like you have a great plan. Try to focus on that. What you’re pulling off at work sounds ideal.

I remember feeling similarly, like I’d never want my kid in daycare. My feelings changed quickly. Being home everyday with your kid is hard. I’ve done two multi month stints and I know I couldn’t do it indefinitely.

Most people don’t have (and can’t afford) a nanny. In your area do people share them? I’d also consider getting on a couple waiting lists for daycare centers and/or in-home care, to keep your options open. Maybe at 6 months old you’re just looking for a babysitter, whereas at 15-18 months your wife will be ready to entertain daycare.